by Many years ago, my husband and I decided that we were ready to become parents. We were filled with so much hope, excitement, and love for a future with children. When we started that process, we never expected for it to be as difficult as it was. Months of trying to get pregnant turned into years of trying to get pregnant. Then miraculously, after two and a half years of infertility, we became pregnant! Nine months later, we welcomed our daughter, Lauren, into the world! It was one of the best days of our lives!
When Lauren turned two, we couldn’t get rid of this feeling that our family felt incomplete. That desire to raise another child slowly consumed our hearts. So, we made the decision to start trying for baby number. Unfortunately, months of trying to get pregnant quickly turned into years again. Then one day, out of the blue, the world of infertility came crashing down on us as we began to finally get some answers. It wasn’t good news. We were told by our OBGYN that we would never be able to get pregnant again…ever. When we heard this news, our world shattered. This was not our plan for our family. Our goals and dreams and plans for becoming parents did not seem to line up with God’s plans for us. We began to grieve the life we were never going to have.
We didn’t like or understand God’s plans for us, but we tried the best we could to trust Him. It took us quite a while to grieve our hopes and dreams of having two children biologically. But in January of 2018, we made a conscious decision to be grateful. We realized that God had blessed us with one amazing, little girl. We realized that we would never be a family of four, but we were a family of three, and for that we were thankful. We decided that it was time for us to find joy again in life. We were just starting to heal and beginning to really enjoy life again when the unimaginable happened.
On the evening of March 19th, 2018, my parents agreed to pick Lauren up from preschool and let her spend the night with them at their house. She was so excited! Little did we know, at that time, that she would never step foot back into our house again.
In the early afternoon on Tuesday, March 20th, 2018, I drove to my parent’s house to pick up Lauren. As I swung open the door, I heard the pitter-patter of little feet pounding on the floor as Lauren ran over to see me. She immediately jumped into my arms, and yelled, “Mommy! I love you, Mommy!!” Her hug and her love felt so amazing! She talked about how she missed me and how she was so glad I was there to get her. Of course, I didn’t realize that this moment would be the very last interaction I would ever have with her. And I definitely didn’t expect it to be the last time I would ever hear her say, “I love you”.
Shortly after I arrived, Lauren asked me if she could go outside and play on the swing set while I talked to my mom. She loved to play outside at grandma and grandpa’s house. It was one of her favorite places. Before I knew it, she was out the door and climbing around all over the place.
My mom and I sat in her kitchen, smiling with joy, while we kept a close eye on her. Lauren’s imagination was in overdrive that afternoon as she talked to the birds in the trees. She was doing what she loved. She was playing, and she was having a blast. She was in love!
What happened next all feels like a huge blur. It is the part of our story that is still hard for us to talk about. While playing and climbing on the swing set, Lauren got herself caught. She ended up accidentally hanging herself. My mom and I immediately rushed out to get her. A moment later, when we got to her, the tears began to flow as we held her lifeless and unresponsive body in our arms.
We immediately started CPR and called 911. As we waited for the paramedics and police to arrive, I remember frantically praying to God to save my little girl, all while having a sense that this wasn’t going to turn out the way I wanted it to. I just kept praying and praying and praying. I kept thinking, “Surely God won’t allow anything bad to happen to her.” A few minutes later the paramedic, police, and fire departments all arrived. I remember them pushing me out of the way so they could take over. I tried to stand up and I couldn’t even stand. I collapsed into a heap on the grass. I knew this was bad, really bad. The tears started flowing even more as I cried uncontrollably. I only looked up because a policeman asked me if he could talk to me. The only words that I could manage to get out of my mouth at that moment were, “Is she going to be alright?” His lack of response only confirmed what my gut was telling me.
The paramedics rushed her to the emergency room. My husband met us at the hospital. When we arrived, there were close to 50 medical people in the area. Every one of them was frantically working to save our little girl. We could see the looks on their faces; our hearts already knew that she was with Jesus. Eventually, the doctors walked out of the emergency room with a look on their face. We were bracing for the words that we knew were coming; the words that would forever change our lives. “I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Clark. We have done everything that we can to save Lauren. There is nothing else that we can do. As a team, we have made the decision to stop working on her. Her time of death is 2:24 pm.”
We later learned that she most likely died as soon as the accident occur. The doctors told us that it was most likely instantaneous. The paramedics and doctors worked on her for 42 minutes, even though they knew she was gone, in hopes of a miracle. But that day there was no miracle. God did not answer our prayers. Our only child, Lauren, died at the age of five and a half. One moment she was smiling here on earth, and the next moment she was smiling in the arms of God. She walked through the gates of Heaven while doing one of her absolute favorite things…playing
That afternoon our world came to a screeching halt. The “it would never happen to us” happened to us. In those moments after, our lives truly came crashing down. Our hearts shattered into a zillion, little pieces. Our faith crumbled right in front of us. In that moment, nothing in life made any sense. After years upon years of infertility, and no ability to have more children, losing Lauren felt so unfair. Sitting in the hospital room that evening, we were mad. We were so angry. I wish I could tell you that we got down on our knees and prayed or that we had a moment of peace that surpasses all understanding. But we didn’t. Instead we screamed at God. We yelled at him. Our only child was gone, and there was no hope for having any more children. God could have saved Lauren that day, but he didn’t. And for that, we were ready to turn our backs on him.
Thankfully, we never did. Our community of friends, church members, and family members gathered around us to celebrate sweet Lauren and her life. They stood with us when we barely had enough strength to stand. They rallied around us as we walked through the darkest days of our lives. Night and day, they loved us and supported us as we tried to make sense of the impossible. They spoke the truth to us of what the Bible says, even if we didn’t want to hear it. They refused to let us fail. They refused to let us fall. They refused to let us walk away from our faith. Because of our community, we never lost our faith. It crumbled. But with time, prayer, and lots of love, we were able to start rebuilding it.
In the months after Lauren passed away, we struggled with the impossible task that most grieving parents have to face. We had to create Lauren’s tombstone. As we designed the tombstone, it was important for us to have a Bible verse on it. We struggled to find the “right” Bible verse that described our sweet, little girl in the midst of this horrible situation.
After searching for what seemed like forever, we found it. Ephesians 5:2 – “Live a life filled with love.” That was it! That was Lauren! In her short five and a half years, Lauren loved so well, and she loved so unconditionally! She loved others, she loved God, and she loved life! She truly lived a life filled with love! Little did we know at the time, that this verse would become one part of the foundation we would stand upon as we grieved the loss of Lauren. It quickly became the inspiration we needed to see beyond the grief and begin to live life again.
We started praying and asking God to show us how to love others just like Lauren did. She showed us what it meant to truly love unconditionally. She loved people but even more she loved to make people feel special. She loved to make people laugh. She loved life and taught us the value of what is truly important in life. She loved her goals and dreams and never gave up on them. She loved God and embodied what true child-like faith looked like. She loved her family and friends and reminded us daily that they are the most important. We were inspired and determined to love others the way that she did; the way that God wants us to love others. We prayed that we could begin to live a life filled with love again. We prayed and asked that God would show us how we could help Him turn these ashes into beauty. We prayed for healing. And we prayed for God’s love to shine.
It didn’t take long for God to begin to answer these prayers. God had bigger and better plans to love people than we could’ve ever imagined. We created a group called, “Lauren’s Love”. Our goal and mission with the “Lauren’s Love” group is pretty simple. It is to trust God and spread love, kindness, and joy to others, just like Lauren did. Through Lauren’s Love, and with God’s love, we have been able to share a lot of love and kindness to people over the past two and a half years. We collected and donated 180 toys and sent them to two local organizations who were in desperate need of toys. We sent over 150 shoeboxes to children in need across the world through Operation Christmas Child. We were able to raise money and set up a scholarship fund at her preschool, so children in need are able to attend the preschool that she loved so much. We adopted and supported two local families at Christmas time by collecting much needed items and toys for them. We raised money that allowed children to attend summer camp and participate in swim lessons at our local YMCA where Lauren swam and camped all the time. We made the decision to allow Lauren to be an organ donor and helped give the gift of life to several children around the country. And we created a rock painting group that paints and leaves rocks for people to find that have encouraging and loving notes on them. So far thousands of rocks of encouragement and love have been found in all 50 states and over 25 countries. In wanting to share Lauren’s Love with others, God helped us do many amazing things!
Along our journey of loving others with Lauren’s Love, something else began to happen. We finally started the process of really healing. We finally allowed ourselves to really grieve. We began the process of growing and rebuilding. We realized that helping others and loving others, helped us heal, grieve, and rebuild from the pain of losing Lauren. Lauren’s Love helped us see past the grief and allowed us to begin to live a life filled with love again. With the help and support of our community, the love of God, and the ability to love others through Lauren’s Love, we are beginning to find joy again in our lives!
Recently, God did something else amazing and loving for us. He blessed us with the greatest gift; one that we weren’t sure we would ever have again after Lauren died. In January of 2020, we adopted our daughter, Molly! Today, she is a beautiful, healthy, happy, and loving 7-month-old! For the past two years, we have prayed and hoped that we would have the ability to be parents and love another child again. We knew in our hearts that we still had so much love to give. We also knew that if it was God’s will for us to be parents again, we were going to have to adopt. We knew that if we were going to be parents again, we were going to have to be patient and wait until it was the right time; until it was God’s time for us to adopt. The wait was agonizing, but a year-and-a-half ago, God started to lay the idea of adoption on our hearts. There were many ups and downs throughout our adoption journey. It was not an easy road to walk, but with faith and trust, God led us to our sweet and precious girl! God turned the ashes of Lauren’s death into true beauty; in a way that only He could. We are so grateful and thankful for Molly; God’s precious gift to us!
Throughout the past 2 ½ years, we have realized that the more we focused on the “how,” the less the “why” seemed to matter. Like any grieving parent, it was easy for us to be filled with anger and ask the question of “why?”. But we have also learned to ask another important question. And that is the question of “how?”. By asking “how”, God is showing us His love and promises. By asking “how”, God is helping us spread Lauren’s love and His love to so many people. By asking “how”, God is turning the ashes of this tragedy into true beauty. By asking “how”, God is showing us that He is sovereign all the time. And by asking “how”, we are learning how to once again live a life filled with love.
The path we have walked over the past two years has been brutal and filled with a lot of sorrow. But it has also shown us how beautiful life is, and that God doesn’t want us stuck in our grief. As we have begun to live life again, we have learned so much.
- We have learned that tragedy and suffering will occur, but God will redeem it and use it to help ourselves and others, if we allow Him to.
- While walking this difficult journey, we have seen God’s love for us, for our daughters, and for others shown over and over again.
- We have seen others spread love and grow closer in their relationship with Jesus because of this tragedy.
- We have learned that we have to rely on God, and his love, in order to get through the tough times.
- We have learned that He is always with us, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
- We have learned that God is always good, and that He is sovereign, and that He has more love and grace for us than we can ever imagine.
- We have learned that we all have the ability to love others unconditionally, no matter how old we are.
- And we have learned that He wants us to live life, and that life is better when it is filled with love.
It is all the result of one little girl who chose to love so well and implanted herself into the hearts of so many. Lauren truly was a special girl. She had an amazing ability to love people and create meaningful relationships. Just one conversation with Lauren, and you were hooked on her with her contagious spirit, love, and passion for others. She truly made everyone feel like the most important and special person to her. Her passing has left a massive hole in all of our hearts; one that will never be whole again. But every day we force ourselves to keep moving forward as we love life, love God, and love others because that’s what Lauren would want. That’s how Lauren would live life.