SCARS

When my son, Nick, was diagnosed with cancer just 3 weeks before his 15th birthday, he needed to have a double hickman central line surgically implanted into a large vein in the middle of his chest.

The line was partially under the skin of Nick’s chest but about 12 inches of it hung on the outside.  Three times a day, every single day, I gave him antibiotics through that line. Every other day I had to take off all the bandages, clean the skin around the line, and replace the old bandages with fresh, clean ones.  The exposed part of the line was then wound up and taped to Nick’s chest under a neat little square of bandage.

In the months to come Nick would also receive blood, platelets, chemotherapy, and fluids through that central line.  It is also the place where he would have blood drawn about every other day.  The central line prevented him from having to be stuck by needles numerous times a day for months on end.

After 6 months, when Nick had finished treatment and was in remission, the central line was pulled…yes, pulled out…and we were sent home.

Nick was doing well. We were so happy to be moving back to our home in Ohio after living for so long at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee where he was treated.

THE ONLY TATTOOS I HAVE ARE SCARS

For 2 ½ months in the summer of 2006, while he was in remission and before he relapsed, Nick enjoyed spending time with his brother and sister and his friends. One day, during those months, he was invited to go swimming.  I sat by the side of the pool that day and watched as Nick dived, swam, and played around in the pool with his shirt on.

A bit later I asked him privately why he didn’t take his shirt off to swim.  He told me that he felt weird because of the big scar right in the center of his chest.  One of our St. Jude friends recently talked about her central line scar and described it, very accurately, as looking like a bullet wound to the chest.

I told Nick that his scar was a badge of honor that marked what he had just been through and that he should never be embarrassed about that.  He didn’t respond but I assume that he was thinking about what I had said because about 5 minutes later he stood up, flung off his shirt, and ran off to cannonball into the pool, making quite a splash!

THE WOUND IS WHERE THE LIGHT SHINES THROUGH

After Nick died, I wanted to know everything I could about where he is, what he’s doing, what it’s like there, what he’s like.  Every good parent wants to know these things about their living children, so why would I stop wondering about these things after my son left for Heaven? My questions sent me on a journey that I am so grateful for because I now live with an eternal perspective that I never would have discovered otherwise.

One of the things that I wondered was if Nick will still have his scar when I see him again.  The automatic, churchy answer is to say “No one will have scars because they have been completely healed.”  That’s a great thought, but is it the truth?

As I searched for the real answer, I found this clue…

In the book of John, there is this great story that took place after Jesus died and then was resurrected.  There was a period of 40 days when He walked around showing Himself to people so that there would be eyewitness accounts that He was still alive.

One day Jesus visited His friends and they were so excited about it that they ran to tell others.

“We have seen the Lord!”

One man, named Thomas, didn’t believe it because he had not seen Jesus with his own eyes.  He told his friends…

“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

He was asking to see Jesus’ scars because they were the identifying marks that made Jesus who He is.

A week later, Jesus showed up again. This time Thomas was in the room.  Jesus walked over and said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

Jesus still has scars!

This was a revolutionary thought to me.  Will we carry the significant scars from this life into the next?  If so, why?

No one chooses to have scars.  They are usually the result of an accident or a surgery.  But think about it…each scar is a part of what make you uniquely who you are. Each scar has its own story to tell.  But while the story usually has to do with illness or injury it is possible to use our scars to make a better story.

I am confident that when I see Nick again we will look at the scar in the middle of his chest and tell stories of our time in Memphis together.  We will marvel at how that scar prepared the way for a shift in the culture at a very well known hospital and set it on a course that would make it the leader in reaching bereaved parents around the globe with support and hope.  That scar represents the beginning of teaching doctors, nurses, psychosocial team members and other support staff around the world how to better help families when they get bad news, when a child is at the end of life, and beyond.

There is a great line from a song that my son, Josh, shared with me during a time when I felt so overburdened by the weight of sickness and death.

“Your scars shine like dark stars.  Yeah, your wounds are where the light shines through.”

Your scars are different than mine.  Different than Nick’s.  Some are visible.  Some are hidden on the inside.  But each carries a story.  Let the light shine through your visible and invisible scars. Find a greater story to live because of them.