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The Gift of Myrrh

This is our fifth Christmas without Zoe. We never had a chance to celebrate a single Christmas with her, but the heartache of her not being present is still there. Five Christmases without our first daughter. Five seasons of celebrating Christ’s birth without being able to share that with the baby girl that was born to us. Sometimes it feels heavy, sometimes it’s just a fact of the new normal we live in, but either way it’s hard. 

When someone you love passes away, the holidays can be tough. Maybe it’s the thought of holiday traditions without someone who was such a big part of those traditions. Maybe it’s the feeling of loss knowing that you won’t be able to pass those traditions on to the child that is no longer physically present. Perhaps it is the dull ache that is felt knowing that someone is missing. Maybe it’s all of those reasons. Maybe it’s something else.

It doesn’t really matter why those holidays are specifically tough, the truth is they are tough. 

Knowing this, we wanted to share with you some reflections on this Christmas season that we sense God has been impressing upon our hearts. We wanted to take a time to remember the why about Jesus’s birth, while focusing on some of the what to it. 

Let’s look at the gifts that were brought to Jesus after his birth.

We Three Kings of Orient are,

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

The Bible doesn’t show us the names or the actual number of the wisemen that came to visit Jesus, but we do know that they came and they came bearing gifts. ‘Three Kings of Orient’ is a great song that talks about the significance of those gifts that were given. 

Gold is the first gift:

Born a King on Bethlehem plain,

Gold I bring to crown Him again,

 King for ever,

Ceasing never

Over us all to reign.

Throughout the ancient world, in the Bible and outside, we see that gold was a gift given to kings. It was a signifier of wealth and prestige. However, it was also used in the Jewish tabernacle/temple worship. In fact, the gold overlays that we see given in both the tabernacle and temple instructions show that the presence of God (Holy of Holies) was full of gold. 

The gold didn’t just represent that the child born was a king, but also it was indicative of the return of the presence of God to the earth, but this time accessible in the form of a man. The son of God born as man, in flesh, God with us. We celebrate because the king was born, but we also celebrate because we have access to this king.

Frankincense is the next gift:

Frankincense to offer have I,

Incense owns a Deity nigh:

Prayer and praising

All men raising,

Worship Him God on High.

Frankincense is an aromatic resin that is still used to this day. It also was associated with royalty and deity. It would not have been present in a common household. While there is a close connection with royalty, it was also connected to deity. Exodus 30 gives us a picture of how frankincense was used in worship. In fact its use, in mixture with other elements, was burned as a holy incense to God. It was to be viewed as holy, set apart, not to be used in any other way. Again, it was also closely connected to the presence of God in the tabernacle/temple. 

It was a gift showing the deity of Christ, but also an allusion to his priesthood. A priesthood that gives us access to the Father. God’s priestly role on earth, Jesus as our intercessor. Jesus who is worthy of our worship.

Finally we come to myrrh:

Myrrh is mine; its bitter perfume

Breathes a life of gathering gloom;—

Sorrowing, sighing,

Bleeding, dying,

Sealed in the stone-cold tomb.

Myrrh is similar to frankincense, in that it comes from a tree as well. It is also used in burning incense, but it’s also use as a spice for embalming purposes. It was expensive as well, again signifying the importance of the child that had been born. Exodus 30 also mentions myrrh as a spice used for incense in worship. Clearly signifying, again, the presence of God through worship. However, it was not just used in worship.

Myrrh was commonly used as part of the preparation of a body for burial. It was part of the embalming process in Egyptian burial, but it was also used to prepare a body to be entombed.

The myrrh foreshadowed the reason Jesus came. He came because he was to die. He came because he was going to defeat death. He came because he was the perfect sacrifice, the King of Kings, God-become man, present on earth to die for us. 

As much as we celebrate the joy and the expectation of the birth of our savior, we need to hold in tension that his birth was so that he could suffer and die. Myrrh is symbolic of that suffering.

Jesus’s birth is about his death. I know that might sound like a contradiction, but it’s true. Without the birth, we don’t have the death. Without his death, we don’t have life; we don’t have the hope that we do have.

As I think about the fifth Christmas without Zoe, I can choose to mourn the loss of what could have been, the loss of the dreams that should have been, and I can choose to worship. I don’t have to do either one or the other, I can do both.

When we worship in the midst of mourning, it doesn’t take away from the grief and pain, but rather it gives it meaning. We enter into that suffering and receive that myrrh with Him. We join in with his suffering and we worship.

We have a choice because over 2,000 years ago, Jesus entered the world he created as a baby. He came because he was to suffer and die. He came because that was the way for us to be reunited with him. He came because, in coming, he conquered death and offers us life. Our loved ones are experiencing that life as we will one day experience. But we can have life now, because of that birth.

So as you think of this Christmas, without the people who are no longer here, think of the hope that we have. We will one day be reunited with them, because of the birth we now celebrate!

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The Calm in the Storm

One thing I’ve learned first hand, and observed over the past few years in connecting with other parents who have lost a child is this:

A content heart amidst a storm is a powerful thing!

Often times we live in the ‘if only’ scenarios:

If only I could stay at home with my kids…

If only we made more money…

If only I could get pregnant…

If only my baby would sleep through the night…

If only my kids were all in school…

If only I could send my kids to a different school…

If only I could live somewhere else…

If only my child would not have died…

If only… then I’ll be content. 

We’ve all been there, we’ve all had those thoughts. But what I’ve come to realize is that God calls us to be content (a state of peaceful satisfaction) amidst the storms.

While it may not be easy, one thing is certain, if you can find contentment in your current storm, you can break fear of the future; as Proverbs 31:25 says, “she can laugh at the days to come…”

Sometimes God allows storms as a way to show His power. He allows storms to show His glory and his peace. He allows storms because He wants to show us there is a better way to live. He even allows storms to protect us.

Are you in a season of waiting, a season of grief, in the middle of a storm?

I’d encourage you to pray for one thing… Lord teach my heart to be content.

One of the quickest ways to a content heart is setting healthy boundaries and guarding our hearts.

A content heart is a guarded heart.

Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

We are told to guard our hearts, because everything we do and say is an overflow of what is in our hearts. Take some time and ask yourself these questions…

  1. Who do I need to guard my heart from (friends, family, neighbors)?
  2. What things do I need to guard my heart from (Facebook, Instagram, other social media, T.V. shows, magazines, etc.)? How do those things make me feel about myself?
  3. Who and What do I need to surround myself with? Who and what will speak life? Encourage my heart? Believe in me? Inspire me? Challenge me? Bring out the best in me?

The key to a content heart is a guarded heart. The key to a guarded heart is who and what you allow into your life.

Now this may seem harsh (or even insensitive) to those who are not encouraging or supporting you, but let the Lord deal with them. Often times in deep grief, the energy that we may have had to filter out the negativity is gone, that energy is required to survive the day to day. So what may have possibly seemed ‘selfish’ in the past is actually now ‘self care’. Those who love you and want what is best for you will realize this and maybe even learn to establish boundaries for themselves.

Don’t be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing. Be saturated in prayer throughout the day, offering your faith-filled requests before God with overflowing gratitude. Tell him every detail of your life, then God’s wonderful peace that transcends human understanding, will make the answers known to you through Jesus Christ.

So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts of every glorious work of God, praising him always. Follow the example of all that we have imparted to you and the God of peace will be with you in all things.

Philippians 4:4-9

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10 Things Kids Need After Losing A Sibling

10 Things Kids Need After Losing A Sibling

  1. Kids need the grief process normalized; it does not be a secret or strange to feel sad. Let them know it is normal to have tear-filled eyes ready to overflow in a moments notice. It’s also normal to not cry too! Everyone grieves differently; that is ok!
  2. Kids need to know that death is a part of life. Click HERE to read about how to talk to your child about death and dying. There are also tons of great books to read with your kids to help you discuss death in a kid-friendly yet hopeful way. Click HERE to find those resources.
  3. Kids need adults to be honest. Losing a loved one can be scary and raise many questions for kids. Allow them to ask questions and answer them truthfully. If you don’t know the answer to a question, then let them know you don’t know. It’s more important to be honest with them at that point in time, than to make up an answer they later find out is not true.  It is much better for kids to hear honest answers from their parents than from overheard conversations, their friends, the news, or others. Show your child that YOU are the safe person to go to with their fears. Some details do not need to be told to them, however, as they get older and want to know more, you do need to be honest with your children.
  4. Kids need adults to answer their questions. (As mentioned above) it is very critical that children ask questions, as this can help with both trust and irrational fear. Your children need to be able to trust that you will be honest with them. They also need to be able to ask questions to help guide their concern or fear about dying and death- as related to themselves or another loved one.
  5. Kids need adults not to delay telling them about a death. While this may not seem like a big deal, it is a very big deal to a child. They need to be some of the first ones to know when a sibling passes away. It is critical that they hear it from their parents as not to feel like their are secrets being kept from them. It can be very hurtful and extra alarming for a child to find out about losing a sibling from someone other than their parents.
  6. Kids need adults to recognize their fears and validate them. Listen to your child’s fears and let them know that you understand why or how they feel that way. Let them know it is ‘normal’ to feel afraid at times, but also challenge them to do hard things and help them to celebrate those moments. As children watch their parents do hard things and acknowledge them, it will also help their child to feel safer to challenge themselves as well. Example: If your child’s fear is to swim after losing a sibling to a drowning, explain to them that you completely understand how it could be scary for them, but that swimming doesn’t need to be scary. Validate them, reassure them, and then help them conquer their fear. 
  7. Kids need to see adults grieve. Let your kids know that they will see you cry but that you will be ok. Let them know that you cry because your heart is sad and missing their sibling. Preparing them to see you sad or upset can take the fear out of seeing their parent crying. Seeing their parent cry and grieve reassures them that they are not alone in their feelings of sadness/grief.
  8. Kids need a supportive environment where they can be themselves to honestly express their grief feelings and experiences without being judged or told they should change. Think about where you have the best conversations with your child- over a meal, in the car, while playing a game, etc. Creating that supportive environment allows them to open up and share what is on their hearts.
  9. Kids need guidance in how to cherish the memories they had with their sibling. Together as a family decide what days you will now declare ‘family days’ for your family- their birthday, Heaven Day, due date, etc. Guard those days as a family and plan something FUN and special for your family to do on those difficult and painful days. Include your children in these days and the planning of them. Ask your child what they would like to keep or make to remember their sibling some ideas might include- a blanket of their siblings clothing, a teddy bear make out of their clothing or baby blanket, hanging a favorite picture of them in their bedroom, sleeping with on of their toys or stuffed animals, wearing a necklace with their picture, etc. Click HERE to find printable (at the bottom of the page) that you can complete with your child and send up on balloons or leave at the cemetery.
  10. Kids need to go back into routine as quickly as possible. Kids thrive with routine and schedule. Routine provides them with a sense of security and normalcy. These are two things that lost almost instantly when a child loses a sibling. Strive to keep your child on the same schedule/routine as before the loss of their sibling. Bedtimes, mealtimes, snack times, play times- these can go a long way in helping repair your child’s loss of security and normalcy amidst a loss.

Note to Parents- Helping your children through the loss of a sibling may feel impossible when you are walking in the grief of losing your child yourself. However, it all begins with a shift in perspective. Your other children will be a GIFT in helping you through this deep grief! They are exactly what God wants to use to show you that you CAN get up each day and keep going even when it seems impossible. If you challenge yourself to view them this way, it will feel less annoying or nagging when they need you or your attention when you just want to sit and stare out the window. Challenge yourself to be grateful for the little joys they bring to your day, the ways they encourage your heart, and how lucky you are to have other children to cuddle during this time. 

After looking at the list of 10 Things Kids Need After Losing a Sibling, be honest with yourself. Which ones can you not offer right now? Which ones feel impossible? Then make a list of those things and ASK FOR HELP! There are most likely people calling, texting, and stopping by to ask how they can help. Let them help you and your kids! For example: Maybe your life feels like a giant tornado and everything is spinning around right now. That is probably how your kids feel too. Let someone help your kids begin establishing a ‘new routine’. Maybe it’s asking grandparents to take them to ice cream and let the kids ask questions or answer questions about how they are feeling. Accept help; and let others love on your kids; but make sure you are taking time to do the same! They NEED you, and need to know ‘things will be ok, and we will keep going’. They are looking for your lead…

Note to Grandparents & Friends: It is good to ask ‘How Can I Help?’ but also ask, ‘Can I _____ for you?’ Sometimes the parents are going to feel so overwhelmed that they don’t even know where to begin asking for help. Do not assume they want their kids to go somewhere; always ask.

Here are ways you can be a blessing to the other children and give them special attention:

  • play a game
  • take them for ice cream
  • color with them
  • go to the park
  • let them initiate discussion on their sibling who passed away
  • take them shopping for an outfit for the funeral
  • help them make someone special for their sibling who passed away
  • take them out to lunch
  • take them bowling
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Talking About Death & Dying with Kids

I had really never talked about death/dying with our 3 and 5 year old much before their sister passed away. An occasional reference to Heaven, was really all that had come up in conversation. For young kids, it seemed like a topic that ‘we’ll get to when they’re older’. However, it doesn’t always work out that way. For many families, death comes knocking on when you least expect it, and that can be a scary thing to think about.

Two weeks before Zoe passed away, our boys had been talking about Heaven in Sunday School. I remember driving home from church with Zoe in the car with us, as our boys proceeded to tell us all about Heaven. They described learning about how there were rooms that God was preparing for us in a big big house. That when our rooms were ready we got to go to His big big house. How we all had ‘jobs’ to do here on earth, and when our jobs here were finished then we got to go see Jesus.

Ten days later, they would encounter Heaven in a very personal way.

As our boys sat in our living room, alongside two of our pastors, we had to remind them of what they had just learned about Heaven, and how it now directly related to our family.

‘Remember how you learned about how God is preparing rooms for us in Heaven, well today Zoe’s room was ready. She got to go see Jesus today. Her ‘job’ here was done.’

Their eyes got teary, all of our hearts sank, and our new reality began…

However, for our family, Heaven took on a whole new meaning in our hearts. Unfortunately, before losing Zoe, we were all very comfortable with our lives here, together; maybe even a little too comfortable. This Earth was clearly our home. Now having our sister/daughter in Heaven made us all yearn for Heaven in a whole new way. We had countless conversations about what Heaven would be like, would Zoe stay little, could she see us, could she fly, did she have dinosaurs (remember we had two little boys) as pets, did she still have to wear a diaper, and many more.

On Zoe’s first birthday, we began a fun tradition of talking about what we imagined her birthday to be like in Heaven. Now clearly we don’t know if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, but for our little boys it connected them with their sister in such a special way. They would talk about what colors she’d pick, what theme she would like, what type of cake she would want, who would go to her party, what foods she would eat, etc. Then we would make a similar cake/cupcakes and send up ‘birthday cards/notes’ to her on balloons.

We began to realize that when we focused on the Hope of Heaven as a family, the sting of death became less breath-taking.

Fast forward four years later, and our boys are still talking about Heaven with the same vigor and passion they did when Zoe first left. After a conversation I had recently, I was reminded that not everyone talks about Heaven and dying with their kids as openly as we do. I do not fault them for that, as I realize there can be a lot of fear that can accompany such discussion. However, as we approach the subject of death and dying with the Hope of Heaven fear can be erased!

Heaven is an integral part of what Christians believe. It’s our future! As Christ-followers, it’s to be our permanent home! Randy Alcorn in his book Heaven for Kids, discusses the topic of moving to a new city. When we are going to move, what is the first thing we do? We research. We go online and look for what our new city will be like. We read to find out where we might want to live, etc. We spend time learning about our new home; and our excitement builds and builds. While we may be sad to leave our old home, friends, town, etc, the Hope of our New Home is so great that the fears begin to dissipate. Satan wants Heaven to be scary and seem down right boring, but as we read what scripture promises us about our New Home, we begin to become excited and want to invite everyone we know to move there with us! It’s going to be the greatest place to live!

So how do we help our kids when death knocks on our family’s door whether it be a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, or a friend? We give them the GIFT OF HOPE… Hope of Heaven. We teach them about what awaits them when their ‘room is ready’ and their ‘job here on earth is complete’.

Click HERE to find a list of books to keep the conversation of Heaven going in your home! 

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Trusting His Timing

I wrote this Sunday, August 8, 2014, a little less than 4 months after we lost Zoe. I believe the sermon that day was titled Trust His Timing. I was going to post it to our family blog, but never did. As I reflect back on it, I feel even more confident now about how I felt then.

This Sunday, while going through the gospel of Luke, our pastor was teaching from chapter 8. The passage was a familiar one, the healing of Jairus’s daughter.

(Photo Credit)

 

After reading the passage be began with an illustration about a pastor who was in Turkey for a conference. He received a call about his teenage daughter being in a terrible accident and was left on life support. After changing his flight, he was left in the airport for 5 hours awaiting his flight home. While reading his Bible, he came across the story of Jairus’s daughter, but from the Gospel of Mark (chapter 5). Upon reaching verse 23, he struggled to make it through the verse.

He pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.”

He could empathize with the earnestness with which Jairus pleaded. For him, there was comfort in knowing that he could relate to Jairus’s desperate heart.

Our pastor left the illustration without sharing with us whether or not his daughter lived; I was left the impression that she did survive.

The story of this pastor visiting Turkey and Jairus’s story immediately affected Mackenzie and I in perhaps a different way than other people in the congregation.

We too have felt the desperation that Jairus felt. Similar to our story, his daughter died as well. However, for us, Zoe was not raised to life. The healing Zoe received was different than what we would have asked for. I can see Jesus picking Zoe up in his arms during that nap, and gently whispering, “My precious child, wake up.”

For both Jairus and for our family, healing occurred; however it looked very different. Both required  faith and trust in Jesus’s. One ended with the results as prayed for, ours did not. I can’t tell you why God chose us to receive the gift of Zoe’s life and death, but I can tell you that He is using it for his glory as we trust His timing.

God has not asked me to understand why He has chosen to show His power and glory through Zoe’s death. I can, however choose to either receive it or reject it.

We have chosen to receive it. We hurt. The pain is real, but we now know what it means to have God come and enter into our pain with us. He is there in those days when we feel like we don’t know how to do anything without losing it. He is there when we have fun and laugh with the boys. He is there when we are supported by family, friends, and strangers. He is there when we feel like we have not rely on each other. He is there.

________________________

We trust in God’s timing, not because we understand it, but because He is there with us. Looking back at those words and the journey we have been on since Zoe’s death, I see that God has used her death to grow our trust in him, to show us love and support of people who were there for us in our grief and continue to be, and to draw others closer to Him. He has also shown us how He is using Zoe’s death to walk with other through their grief and loss. I still can’t tell you why God chose us for this terrible gift, but I can tell you what He is doing through it.

Trust His timing and keep moving forward. He will, in time, show you what He is doing. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it!