On Tuesday morning we were awakened to our phone ringing a little before 7:00 a.m. to Sarah’s screams of panic saying, “Rowen is not breathing, and we called 911.” Since I was recovering from ankle surgery, and still in a boot, I told Angela she needed to go, and not wait on me. As I got my clothes and walking boot on, I called my brother and ask him to pray because I think we may have lost Rowen. He prayed with me on the phone and assured me he would be at my house as soon as possible that day. My brother Randy lives 5 hours away and we are very close. I needed him to be with me and my family that day. He arrived later that afternoon.

            After getting dressed I drove to my daughter’s house only to find an empty house with everyone gone. Angela had texted me to let me know the hospital they were at, so I drove there totally in a fog praying fervently the entire time. I called my father and asked him to pray. Once I arrived at the ER I was ushered into a small room with Angela, Sarah and Evan who were all weeping. I hugged them all, but did not know what to say, I wanted so much as a father to fix everything and make everything right. I did not want to believe what was happening and refused to believe that Rowen was in the presence of Jesus. I began to make phone calls to family and my ministry staff team while Angela, Sarah and Evan were taken back to the room where Rowen was in a bed. I was then taken back to the room where Rowen was and when I opened the door I remember seeing a lifeless little boy with my only daughter weeping, holding is hand and stroking his curly blonde hair. It was more than I could physically handle, but I knew I had to be strong for Angela, Sarah and Evan. As I walked over to hug them, I began to cry and pray.

            Over the next several hours at the hospital many of our church family began to stream in to pray and to grieve with us. There were so many people that the hospital prepared the chapel for us all to gather in, and even provided food for everyone to snack on while we all waited for the Child Protective Services officers to interview Sarah and Evan and for the Medical Examiner to come and pick up Rowen’s body. As we waited for what seemed like an entire day, I began to pace and pray for Jesus to raise up Rowen’s body like he did Lazarus. I believed Jesus could, and I prayed with all the faith I knew to pray. It never happened. Jesus assured me he had raised Rowen just like Lazarus and Rowen is now in my presence and I am holding him, just like I will hold you and your family for all eternity. I am so thankful for the soft touch and assurance that the Holy Spirit gives during times like these.

            The days immediately following were some of the most difficult we have ever lived through. I got very little sleep from having nightmares, waking up to our daughter sobbing in the other bedroom and having such a difficult time making sense of our new reality. The day of the burial and celebration of Rowen’s life was tragic, but not without hope. The Bible reminds us in 1 Thessalonians 4:13, “but we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope”. The celebration of Rowen’s life was not an expression of hopelessness, but one of hope in Jesus as we worshiped Jesus who was holding Rowen in his hands as we were left here to grieve and worship and celebrate the amazing gift Rowen was to us for the 919 days.

            As I began to process the loss of Rowen, along with the intense pain of Sarah, Evan and Angela, I realized soon that my only hope was Jesus. I was given some amazing advice from a dear friend that encouraged me as a husband and father, “to walk with my family through this grief at the same pace they were walking. It is natural for us as men to want to move through grief as fast as possible and bury feelings and move on. Don’t do this.” I was hopeless to fix them and by focusing on walking at their pace through grief, God was able to bring healing to me and our relationship deepened through this time. Another piece of advice I received from another friend who had experienced child loss through suicide was, “do not stop talking about Rowen”. I really encouraged our family in this, and I am grateful that our family freely talks about Rowen and his life and the ways he impacted us in so many ways.

            Over the next several months Angela and I attended a Griefshare support group, and I went through 8 weeks of counseling. God used both things to remind me of truth, remind me of who he has been in my life, who he is and who He will always be moving forward. I knew my family needed me. They needed me to be present with them in their grief. I learned to listen and walk at their pace through the grief recovery. I am learning that nothing happens in our life that God cannot turn for His glory and His purposes. I am so very thankful for my family and the love that we share and the openness we have to grieve together through the immense pain and suffering it has been for almost 5 years since our precious Rowen went to live eternally with Jesus.

The truth God has used in my life to bring hope, bring healing and give strength to live each day is the truth found in Romans 8:28, personalized version, “And I know that that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those called according to his purpose.” Also, Genesis 50:20 paraphrased, “what Satan meant to destroy our family, God means for good to use our lives to bring hope to many families.”

I do not understand the full purpose of Rowen entering the presence of Jesus at such a young age. I still struggle and have many questions, but one thing I do know, the pain that my family and I have experienced for almost 5 years is not without purpose. My faith and my hope is God will turn our pain into His purpose to bring glory to Him.