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My Story of Hope- Jessica (My Brother Morgan)

Jessica and her brother Morgan

It was a rainy, cold day on Friday, November 12, 2004. A blue star hung from our window in the front of the house to show the neighbors my brother, Morgan was off at war. I passed that star many times and never really stopped to look at it. I had just walked into the house from working when I saw my mom bringing in groceries. She excitedly told me about the Hickory Farms gift set she bought Morgan to send him for Thanksgiving. She told me it would be great for my boyfriend too, since he was also in Iraq. 

A few minutes later the phone rang. She paused before picking it up, I could see from the caller ID that it was my dad. They were divorced and now that all the kids were grown there was not much left for them to call each other about. Expect for one thing…Morgan. She knew when she answered the phone what he would say but I did not. I watched as she collapsed to the couch catching herself on the coffee table and moaning in a way I had never heard. I sat on the stairs across from her and watched as she struggled to hold the phone out to me. My life had just changed with one phone call. 

Jessica and her brother Morgan

I stood and grabbed the phone my dad told me that Morgan had been killed and I needed to take care of my mother. The weight of that responsibility sat heavily on my shoulders as I began to cry and grieve myself. I was the last child of her five to still be at home. I was the only one close enough to be able to care for my mom. 

The next few days came and went as we drove from Virginia to Indiana to Tennessee. We had memorial services for him and many people we had not seen in a long time came by to pay their respects to the fallen hero. We finally made it to Tennessee where we would wait for Morgan to arrive and do the funeral and burial. 

My parents picked Tennessee because my grandparents lived there and it was Morgan’s favorite place to go. He and my grandfather were best friends and they would hike the mountains there frequently. When I walked into my grandparent’s house, my grandfather stood up to greet me but quickly fell back onto the couch. I had never seen a broken man until that day, he was broken. My grandmother quickly came over to me with her apron on. She cried while hugging me saying, “I just can’t believe it.” Then she rushed right back into the kitchen.  I was surprised to see her so, calm and focused. 

Once the burial was over and it was time for all of us to go back to our lives I realized how hard that would really be. My mother, like my grandmother actually seemed okay. Not happy but okay. I had been so distracted trying to care and tend to my mom that I forgot about me. My boyfriend (whom I would later marry) would call me and ask how I was doing. I was too afraid to tell him the truth because he was still in Iraq. I did not want him to worry about me or think I was a depressing girlfriend to be around. 

When I went back to college classes for the first time, I sat alone in the cafeteria and watched as everyone went about their business. In that moment I wanted to scream at them, “Do you not know what just happened?! My brother died!” But I did not say anything. As the months went on I tried to find a way to bring every conversation I had with people to Morgan. It started to get weird. So then I flipped to the other side. I would not talk about him at all with anyone except close family members. I did that for a few years. I kept praying how to handle my grief with others. People do not like to talk about grief. When I did talk about it they just would not know what to say. God kept comforting my heart and telling me it was okay. I trusted that God had a plan and that He was there for me. 

God blessed me with grandparents that were completely devoted to Him. Every summer my siblings and I would visit them and they would make sure we were in Vacation Bible School and in church every Sunday. I can still hear my grandmother’s voice singing hymns and I carry those songs in my heart. Almost 16 years later I can see how He was training me for this battle of grief. He placed people in my life to go through this journey with me. Whenever I strayed He was there waiting for me to come back to Him. The weapons He equipped me with when I was young are what He wanted me to use today. 

Psalm 144:1 Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle…

Jessica, her husband Adam, and daughters.

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10 Things Kids Need After Losing A Sibling

10 Things Kids Need After Losing A Sibling

  1. Kids need the grief process normalized; it does not be a secret or strange to feel sad. Let them know it is normal to have tear-filled eyes ready to overflow in a moments notice. It’s also normal to not cry too! Everyone grieves differently; that is ok!
  2. Kids need to know that death is a part of life. Click HERE to read about how to talk to your child about death and dying. There are also tons of great books to read with your kids to help you discuss death in a kid-friendly yet hopeful way. Click HERE to find those resources.
  3. Kids need adults to be honest. Losing a loved one can be scary and raise many questions for kids. Allow them to ask questions and answer them truthfully. If you don’t know the answer to a question, then let them know you don’t know. It’s more important to be honest with them at that point in time, than to make up an answer they later find out is not true.  It is much better for kids to hear honest answers from their parents than from overheard conversations, their friends, the news, or others. Show your child that YOU are the safe person to go to with their fears. Some details do not need to be told to them, however, as they get older and want to know more, you do need to be honest with your children.
  4. Kids need adults to answer their questions. (As mentioned above) it is very critical that children ask questions, as this can help with both trust and irrational fear. Your children need to be able to trust that you will be honest with them. They also need to be able to ask questions to help guide their concern or fear about dying and death- as related to themselves or another loved one.
  5. Kids need adults not to delay telling them about a death. While this may not seem like a big deal, it is a very big deal to a child. They need to be some of the first ones to know when a sibling passes away. It is critical that they hear it from their parents as not to feel like their are secrets being kept from them. It can be very hurtful and extra alarming for a child to find out about losing a sibling from someone other than their parents.
  6. Kids need adults to recognize their fears and validate them. Listen to your child’s fears and let them know that you understand why or how they feel that way. Let them know it is ‘normal’ to feel afraid at times, but also challenge them to do hard things and help them to celebrate those moments. As children watch their parents do hard things and acknowledge them, it will also help their child to feel safer to challenge themselves as well. Example: If your child’s fear is to swim after losing a sibling to a drowning, explain to them that you completely understand how it could be scary for them, but that swimming doesn’t need to be scary. Validate them, reassure them, and then help them conquer their fear. 
  7. Kids need to see adults grieve. Let your kids know that they will see you cry but that you will be ok. Let them know that you cry because your heart is sad and missing their sibling. Preparing them to see you sad or upset can take the fear out of seeing their parent crying. Seeing their parent cry and grieve reassures them that they are not alone in their feelings of sadness/grief.
  8. Kids need a supportive environment where they can be themselves to honestly express their grief feelings and experiences without being judged or told they should change. Think about where you have the best conversations with your child- over a meal, in the car, while playing a game, etc. Creating that supportive environment allows them to open up and share what is on their hearts.
  9. Kids need guidance in how to cherish the memories they had with their sibling. Together as a family decide what days you will now declare ‘family days’ for your family- their birthday, Heaven Day, due date, etc. Guard those days as a family and plan something FUN and special for your family to do on those difficult and painful days. Include your children in these days and the planning of them. Ask your child what they would like to keep or make to remember their sibling some ideas might include- a blanket of their siblings clothing, a teddy bear make out of their clothing or baby blanket, hanging a favorite picture of them in their bedroom, sleeping with on of their toys or stuffed animals, wearing a necklace with their picture, etc. Click HERE to find printable (at the bottom of the page) that you can complete with your child and send up on balloons or leave at the cemetery.
  10. Kids need to go back into routine as quickly as possible. Kids thrive with routine and schedule. Routine provides them with a sense of security and normalcy. These are two things that lost almost instantly when a child loses a sibling. Strive to keep your child on the same schedule/routine as before the loss of their sibling. Bedtimes, mealtimes, snack times, play times- these can go a long way in helping repair your child’s loss of security and normalcy amidst a loss.

Note to Parents- Helping your children through the loss of a sibling may feel impossible when you are walking in the grief of losing your child yourself. However, it all begins with a shift in perspective. Your other children will be a GIFT in helping you through this deep grief! They are exactly what God wants to use to show you that you CAN get up each day and keep going even when it seems impossible. If you challenge yourself to view them this way, it will feel less annoying or nagging when they need you or your attention when you just want to sit and stare out the window. Challenge yourself to be grateful for the little joys they bring to your day, the ways they encourage your heart, and how lucky you are to have other children to cuddle during this time. 

After looking at the list of 10 Things Kids Need After Losing a Sibling, be honest with yourself. Which ones can you not offer right now? Which ones feel impossible? Then make a list of those things and ASK FOR HELP! There are most likely people calling, texting, and stopping by to ask how they can help. Let them help you and your kids! For example: Maybe your life feels like a giant tornado and everything is spinning around right now. That is probably how your kids feel too. Let someone help your kids begin establishing a ‘new routine’. Maybe it’s asking grandparents to take them to ice cream and let the kids ask questions or answer questions about how they are feeling. Accept help; and let others love on your kids; but make sure you are taking time to do the same! They NEED you, and need to know ‘things will be ok, and we will keep going’. They are looking for your lead…

Note to Grandparents & Friends: It is good to ask ‘How Can I Help?’ but also ask, ‘Can I _____ for you?’ Sometimes the parents are going to feel so overwhelmed that they don’t even know where to begin asking for help. Do not assume they want their kids to go somewhere; always ask.

Here are ways you can be a blessing to the other children and give them special attention:

  • play a game
  • take them for ice cream
  • color with them
  • go to the park
  • let them initiate discussion on their sibling who passed away
  • take them shopping for an outfit for the funeral
  • help them make someone special for their sibling who passed away
  • take them out to lunch
  • take them bowling
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Talking About Death & Dying with Kids

I had really never talked about death/dying with our 3 and 5 year old much before their sister passed away. An occasional reference to Heaven, was really all that had come up in conversation. For young kids, it seemed like a topic that ‘we’ll get to when they’re older’. However, it doesn’t always work out that way. For many families, death comes knocking on when you least expect it, and that can be a scary thing to think about.

Two weeks before Zoe passed away, our boys had been talking about Heaven in Sunday School. I remember driving home from church with Zoe in the car with us, as our boys proceeded to tell us all about Heaven. They described learning about how there were rooms that God was preparing for us in a big big house. That when our rooms were ready we got to go to His big big house. How we all had ‘jobs’ to do here on earth, and when our jobs here were finished then we got to go see Jesus.

Ten days later, they would encounter Heaven in a very personal way.

As our boys sat in our living room, alongside two of our pastors, we had to remind them of what they had just learned about Heaven, and how it now directly related to our family.

‘Remember how you learned about how God is preparing rooms for us in Heaven, well today Zoe’s room was ready. She got to go see Jesus today. Her ‘job’ here was done.’

Their eyes got teary, all of our hearts sank, and our new reality began…

However, for our family, Heaven took on a whole new meaning in our hearts. Unfortunately, before losing Zoe, we were all very comfortable with our lives here, together; maybe even a little too comfortable. This Earth was clearly our home. Now having our sister/daughter in Heaven made us all yearn for Heaven in a whole new way. We had countless conversations about what Heaven would be like, would Zoe stay little, could she see us, could she fly, did she have dinosaurs (remember we had two little boys) as pets, did she still have to wear a diaper, and many more.

On Zoe’s first birthday, we began a fun tradition of talking about what we imagined her birthday to be like in Heaven. Now clearly we don’t know if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, but for our little boys it connected them with their sister in such a special way. They would talk about what colors she’d pick, what theme she would like, what type of cake she would want, who would go to her party, what foods she would eat, etc. Then we would make a similar cake/cupcakes and send up ‘birthday cards/notes’ to her on balloons.

We began to realize that when we focused on the Hope of Heaven as a family, the sting of death became less breath-taking.

Fast forward four years later, and our boys are still talking about Heaven with the same vigor and passion they did when Zoe first left. After a conversation I had recently, I was reminded that not everyone talks about Heaven and dying with their kids as openly as we do. I do not fault them for that, as I realize there can be a lot of fear that can accompany such discussion. However, as we approach the subject of death and dying with the Hope of Heaven fear can be erased!

Heaven is an integral part of what Christians believe. It’s our future! As Christ-followers, it’s to be our permanent home! Randy Alcorn in his book Heaven for Kids, discusses the topic of moving to a new city. When we are going to move, what is the first thing we do? We research. We go online and look for what our new city will be like. We read to find out where we might want to live, etc. We spend time learning about our new home; and our excitement builds and builds. While we may be sad to leave our old home, friends, town, etc, the Hope of our New Home is so great that the fears begin to dissipate. Satan wants Heaven to be scary and seem down right boring, but as we read what scripture promises us about our New Home, we begin to become excited and want to invite everyone we know to move there with us! It’s going to be the greatest place to live!

So how do we help our kids when death knocks on our family’s door whether it be a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, or a friend? We give them the GIFT OF HOPE… Hope of Heaven. We teach them about what awaits them when their ‘room is ready’ and their ‘job here on earth is complete’.

Click HERE to find a list of books to keep the conversation of Heaven going in your home! 

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My Story of Hope- Morgan (My Sister Rylan)

Rylan Richelle Steubing, 19 years of beautiful life… Her name was so unique that she could never find it on a keychain, (much to her dismay) and almost everyone pronounces it “Ryland” and she was so sweet and shy that she would never correct them. So me being four years younger, yet ten times bossier and louder I would correct them for her.

When we were younger, I was about 5 and she was 9 and she would make me answer the phone because she was too shy to.

But… just a few months before she passed, she preached an entire sermon to spanish speaking people with a translator by her side in Peru.. yes! Peru. Safe to say she’d come a long way not only in her shyness but in her walk with God.

Her soul was so pure and sweet and so rare and her death is such an enormous loss to this world, but I can only imagine the praises that were sung when she returned to her heavenly father

Since the day of her death, there are so many “nevers” in my mind that I don’t think I could even list them all:

  • I will never hear her laugh again.
  • I will never see her smile again.
  • I will never fight over her clothes again.
  • I will never go to small coffee shops with her and play jenga ever again.
  • I will never get to hug her again.
  • I will never get to eat the cookies she made (and sometimes burned) ever again.

I’m sure everyone who’s lost someone has these thoughts. This negative, never-ending feeling of despair.
God has taught me in the last year, to take those “nevers” and turn them into being thankful:

  • I am thankful that she got to laugh and had the exact amount of time God himself had planned for her, even if it isn’t what we’d hoped for her on Earth.
  • I am thankful that she had moments in her life that made her smile, and that for the time she was here, she was happy.
  • I am thankful that I had a sister to steal clothes from and bond with.
  • I am thankful that God gave me a built in best friend to live with for the first 15 years of my life, that was a beautiful example of God’s love and being his servant.
  • I am thankful that I got a sister that made me cookies

God has numbered our days. He holds us in the palms of his hands, he knew my sister before she was in my mother’s womb and he knew she would pass away on February 22nd, 2017 in the morning. He knew she would be diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of fourteen and he knew that she would become an amazing woman of God.

All things work together for our good, and we have a good God that will not let me fall no matter the amount of grief I’m under.

Losing my best friend will forever be the most painful thing i’ve ever experienced, but I am more than grateful that I know she is with Jesus, and I know he planned for all of it to happen.

(Say Goodnight written by Morgan Steubing)

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New Years After Experiencing Loss

Before loss, a new year meant starting over; a clean slate. We would often make a list (at least in our heads) of things we wanted to improve on or begin, in the new year. It was seen as a fresh start.

Now, after experiencing loss, our tendency is to look back rather than forward. Fear creeps in and we begin thinking, that a new year means moving on, forgetting, leaving their memory behind, and or letting go. We live in this paradigm of wanting to feel better, but not being sure we are willing to turn our gaze forward rather than behind.

So many times in our grief, we have to choose a perspective shift- New Years is one of them. While it may be easy to reflect on how long we have been without our loved one, we can choose to see that with our Hope in Christ and his eternal promise, we can have an eternal perspective. This new year, we are now, one year closer. One year closer to holding them again.

So today, let’s stop and remind ourselves, as much as the media and companies tell us differently, January 1st is… Just. Another. Day. Nothing definitive. There are no lines you need to draw in the sand, and nothing you have to leave behind. If you choose to make a goal this year, a grief goal is a great place to start- push myself to get out more, go to a counselor, connect with a grief community for support, share my grief thoughts/needs with my spouse/family more, create a family night where we all feel safe sharing playing and sharing whats going on in our hearts and lives.

This new year, let’s walk forward with an eternal perspective and focus on the MORE this change of the calendar can bring- MORE laughter, MORE gratitude, MORE friends, MORE memories, MORE love, MORE chances to make a difference in the lives around you.