My husband Michael and I struggled with infertility for some time. With lots of prayers, a little bit of science, and support from family we made it happen. One round of IVF, and we had our oldest Everleigh. I always wanted her to have a sibling close in age so we decided to try another round of IVF. During this journey Michael and I were having some problems in our marriage and I found out I was pregnant with twins. Of course I was overjoyed. But scared, that I might be doing this alone. I prayed constantly about my fears and I asked got to please not let this be more than I can handle. And now the guilt of that prayer haunts me. I didn’t mean it that way, did I somehow speak it into existence?

Fast forward to May 8^th, 2022; I had been feeling terrible since the day prior but it was my baby shower so I tried to suck it up. I convinced myself it was just another kidney stone. I tried to get ready to go celebrate Mother's Day , but I was in so much pain. We decided to head to the hospital I was planning to deliver at, just to be safe. They checked me, and I was 6 ½ cm dilated with very consistent contractions, but since Adley was breech, I needed an emergency c-section. 

After what felt like forever my sweet girls were here. But nobody was telling me anything. Finally the doctor came over to me, held my hand and said, "Don't don’t worry we have got this! Emerie is doing well and is only needing low flow oxygen. But Adley is having some trouble breathing." They then had to intubate her. 

The doctors then called Lifeline, and decided that she was going to have to go to a more skilled hospital with a NICU. I only got to see Adley for a second before they took her. My husband went with her. I was back in my room, and finally the nurse came in and said, "Let's go see your baby!" They took me to Emerie, and I finally got to snuggle her. She was perfect.

Two days later Emerie and I went home, she was doing amazing. Adley was still in the NICU, but she was improving. She finally got to come home the next Friday. Finally, all of my babies under one roof. I couldn’t quit smiling. My twinnies finally got to be together! The first time I laid them next to each other they just nuzzled right in and went to sleep.

The next several days things were going well figuring out life with newborn twins, and an almost 2 year old. Life was great, until May 19^th. Emerie was fine, she was alert, taking her bottles, nothing unusual. We laid the twins down, and did a few things around the house. Everleigh wanted to go outside and for whatever reason we looked over at Emerie on the way out. She was laying there awake but something wasn’t right.

I immediately got on the phone with the pediatrician as we loaded her into the car to go to the ER. The ER took us straight back to a room, and the doctor was already in the room waiting for us. I explained how she was acting lethargic, and I remember the doctor saying that lethargic was quite a strong word.

They did an exam, and took blood, but Emmy didn’t make a peep. The doctor stepped out for a few minutes, came back, and apologized. She said that Lifeline was on the way, and yes she was very lethargic. They had no idea what was wrong.

My husband and I decided he would go with Emmy, and I needed to go back home with Evie and Addy. I loved on Emerie and told her I'd see her soon. Little did I know that would be the last time I would see her awake.

My husband kept me updated on everything that was going on. Early the next morning, he said that I needed to get to the hospital. Emerie had tested positive for meningitis, but that they were still unsure if it was viral or bacterial. I packed a bag and got to the hospital in Arnett as quickly as I could.

 By the time I got there Lifeline was on the way to transfer her again to Riley Hospital. I walked over to Emerie, and she was covered in tubes and wires. They had her on a ventilator. I didn’t understand what was happening. When they got her to Riley Hospital, they asked Michael and I to wait in the waiting room for them to assess her, and run some more tests. 

It was around 1am when they finally let us back to see her, and they told us that we needed to prepare for an extended stay. Thank goodness for my family, as they all took turns staying with Evie and Addy.

Emmy had begun to have continuous seizures and was soon hoked up to an EEG machine. The next morning a group of doctors came in and shared that  Emerie had bacterial meningitis from an extremely rare bacteria called crono-bacter. This is the type of meningitis they told us at Arnett that we did not want her to have, however at that point they still seemed hopeful that Emmy could fight this. 

But even by the hour her condition was deteriorating. Even with all the medicines they could not get the seizures to stop. And they couldn’t get her down for a CT scan to see where the seizures were starting because she was so unstable.

On May 21^st, which is also my birthday, a doctor came in and told me that we needed to begin preparing ourselves for our baby to not to be here in a few days. I couldn’t breathe. "What do you mean my baby wont be here? You cant tell me that, just fix her!" I cried. 

When Michael came back up to the room, I was on the floor, and I couldn't get up. I told him what the doctor had said and we were both in disbelief. The nurse came in and asked if I wanted to hold her. For the first time in 3 days I was able to hold my baby. We asked if our pastor could come up and pray with us. The hospital made an exception, and he got there as quickly as he could. As I was holding Emmy our pastor just wrapped his arms around us, and prayed and we baptized her. I sat there for a couple hours after just trying to memorize every feature on her perfect face. Michael called our families and told them the news.

That night I actually fell asleep, and when I woke up our nurse had decorated Emerie's room. She made signs and a big banner that had her name. There was one she made that just made it all seem so real. It was Emmy's hand and footprints that formed an angel with a quote underneath that said, “Not all twins walk side by side sometimes one has wings to fly”.

It just hit me like a brick wall. And I couldn’t breathe again. The same group of doctors came in that morning and said that they needed to get her down for a CT scan, so they could pin point the seizures. We agreed and they took every precaution to keep her safe during the scan. A few hours later those same doctors came back in, and said I wish we had better news. I was standing by Emerie and they said the scan is not good. Her entire brain had been affected by the meningitis and the seizures. There was no activity at all. I couldn’t hold myself up. Emeries nurse held me up.

They sent in someone from palliative care, and she explained things and prayed with us. She said now is the time if you want to have family come in and say their goodbyes. She told us when we are ready we need to talk about letting Emerie go. Our families came in and got to hold Emmy and love on her. After everyone left, we spent the evening with the palliative care team making molds of her hands and feet and recording her heartbeat on a little recording heart to put into a bear. A photographer came in and took pictures for us. But I just kept thinking this was so wrong. 'She has to come home with me. I was supposed to protect her, that’s what a mama does.' I kept asking God to please not take my baby, just please let her be okay.

We spent the next couple of days just trying to process things, and and soak up all the time with Emmy as we could. I woke up the morning of the 26^th and something inside was almost yelling at me saying, 'I promise it's okay. Emerie is going to be okay.'

 I told Michael we needed to let her go. We talked with our nurse and they got things ready. I prayed so hard to let me be strong for Emerie during this time. The doctor removed her IVs and took out the ventilator. He handed me my sweet girl. I could finally see her sweet face without any tubes or wires in the way.

They said the whole time she was on the vent she never tried to breathe over it so we need to be prepared that it probably wouldn’t take long. They kept the one iv of morphine going to keep her comfortable. I wrapped her up in her blanket and just held her and talked to her. I told her it was okay, and we would all be fine. Emerie held on for 6 hours. I got to have 6 more hours with my girl to just snuggle. I will forever treasure those 6 hours. The nurse came in and told us she was gone. She sat down with me and asked if I wanted to pick out her angel dress, and help bathe her. But I couldn’t let her go, I physically could not let go of her. I prayed so hard and god gave me that strength to let go, and bathe her, and pick out her angel dress. She truly did look like an angel. I kissed her and told her I loved her and we got in our car and went home. I kept looking in the back at the empty carseat and just couldn’t understand why.  She was just perfectly fine, and now I have an empty carseat.

The 18 days we had with Emerie will always be treasured. 18 days was just not enough, but the Lord needed her home, and I know she is in paradise. As much as I want to be selfish, and have my girl here with me I know she is right where God wants her to be. I know we will be together again soon. Everyday until then I miss her fiercely, and will keep her memory alive. I want the girls to know about Emerie, and especially Adley to know that she is a part of her; that’s her twinnie. 

This verse that gives me comfort, knowing we will be together again. Romans 8:18 'I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.'

I was hesitant to share my story about Hunter’s passing and what led up to it, the enemy lied to me that it was too painful, too dark, too morbid to land on the ears of these other grieving mommas who also had lost children. After sharing with a trusted friend and counselor my struggle in writing the story with the darkness, the despair, the painful memories of Hunter’s ten-year battle with addiction, God whispered to my Spirit that He is the Light of the world and that He will shine brighter than the darkness.  Confessing my struggle brought it out into the light and I was able to hear God speak.

The scriptures that keep coming to mind is in The Gospel of Luke chapter 19: vs. 10 for the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost.” And, in Mark 2 vs. 17 When Jesus heard it, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.: Also, the story of the sheep in the gospels. Luke 15 vs. 4 “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does he not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it?

In His kindness, His character, God has faithfully shown me that He did exactly this for my son.

I pray as you read this story, you notice all the areas where you see God’s protection, faithfulness, provision and orchestration. It truly is miraculous.

I did not know Christ when I married Hunter’s dad, I came from a broken home where Christ was not shared, I realized years later as an adult that my mom feared for her life from my stepdad who abused her and me. It went on for too long and I lived my identity as a broken young girl into adulthood making bad decisions. In His providence, God began putting powerful couples into my path and these three couples in particular all went to the same church, they did not know one another at that time. But God was using these couples to minister to my broken, orphan heart. And, God knitting Hunter in my womb is what stirred my heart to receive Jesus at the age of 30, I had my born-again salvation experience in June of 1996, two months before Hunter was born. Hunter’s dad left the marriage a few months after his birth, he never knew his dad and I as a couple. I am still in touch with these couples, they have witnessed the redemption in my life.

In 2006, God reunited me with my husband David, who had been one of my best friends in elementary school; we graduated from the same high school in 1984, this was twenty-two years later we were reacquainted supernaturally.  God blessed David and I with our son, Jackson in the first year and a half of our marriage, he is now 15, Hunter was 11 at the time of Jackson’s birth. Hunter and his dad knew that David loved Hunter well, Hunter’s dad acknowledged David as being an extraordinary stepfather and it gave Jerome peace in his heart seeing the evidence of his love and care for Hunter. Hunter’s stepmom loved Hunter as her own son, and I am thankful to our loving Father for her devotion to Hunter.  Hunter had three sets of grandparents and a large, blended family that adored him.

Hunter was hospitalized at age fourteen at the same hospital where he passed, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctors performed an emergency craniotomy. Three years earlier he tore an ACL from playing football, so he had two major surgeries and received major anesthesia way too young. We did not know at that time Hunter’s genetic makeup; his brain chemistry was predisposed to alcoholism.

In Hunter’s freshman year of high school, we discovered his use of recreational drugs, over months of incidents that could put our family in harm’s way, we had to ask Hunter to leave and he went to live with his dad for the first time. The time was brief with his dad, Hunter was going to do his own thing; he disregarded any of our values, family convictions and boundaries. Unfortunately, Hunter would remain homeless for several years, couch surfing at various places, stranger’s homes, parks etc. This would lead to his demise, living this way outside of the protection of his loving families, it led to a life of fear, crime, and utter despair.

During these years, I attempted to stay in touch with Hunter, we would see him at some holidays; I would take him out to meals, court dates, and I would visit him in the county jails of his numerous arrests.  I have beautiful letters from him in his times in jail that I treasure now, not knowing how valuable these would be to me, given that most young men don’t write letters. God continued to sustain me during these years with prophetic visions, words, and even tangible touches from angelic activity. Psalm 23 was forefront in my mind, and I spent many seasons of fasting and prayer and God was always faithful. He didn’t change Hunter’s will, our will is a gift from God, but He did let me know He was with me in the fire, with me in the storm, in the deep waters; His presence to me was immeasurable and He overcame my fear.

Hunter became a father when he was 19, homeless living in a car with his girlfriend at the time. Due to circumstances, my granddaughter’s mother moved back with her family and had my granddaughter safely in a hospital. Avery and her mom are thriving and I have the privilege of seeing her often, she lives close and she is healthy, funny, intelligent, kind and creative. Hunter adored and loved her and he wept every time he saw her. I saw the heartache in his spirit; that he could not be the Father he desired to be due to the pull of the addiction, the mental torment due to the lifestyle.

In June of 2018, Hunter was shot twice in the back and a bullet was lodged in his spine, they could not remove the bullet as it would have paralyzed or killed him. He walked with a limp, drop foot and nerve damage until his passing. He did not get a good night’s sleep for several years due to this injury and his lifestyle.  He was serving a 10-year felony probation sentence from one of his previous shoplifting crimes. Due to the restrictions of the probation, his criminal record, his addiction, he could not hold or find a legal job. Hunter went down the path of selling drugs.

Two months before his passing, Hunter was hospitalized with two grand mal seizures, this was from the alcohol poisoning in his body, and lack of sleep. He had a clear brain MRI from the gunshot incident in 2018, God had healed him. I was still hopeful that God would heal his battle with addiction.

I am forever grateful for Hunter’s last year and a half, during this time, I saw a softening in his heart and spirit, he began apologizing for his crazy behavior. He even reached out to his dad to restore their broken relationship. He began coming to Jackson’s baseball games and cheering him on, he would call me out of the blue and just want to talk about life and friends and why all these crazy things in the Earth were happening at that time of Covid; racial unrest, political divide and riots.  He started buying vending machines to bring in a legal income stream, he brokered products to sell them on different platforms, he was trying to get out of the spiral of the drug sales, he was sick of it and what it was doing to his life and mental state of mind.

It was a Sunday night, March 28^th, I received a phone call from the hospital that was already in my phone from ten years prior when he had his brain surgery, I answered and an ER nurse asked for me and she asked if I knew Hunter and I told her I was his mom, and she said how far away are you from the hospital and how quickly can you arrive.  She said I am calling you because he has your information as the next of kin. I rushed to the hospital, one of my best friends and our lead pastor’s wife, Rachel was literally around the corner from the ER. She beat me there and her husband, Brian met my husband and son at our home to pray and comfort them.

A doctor visited Rachel and I in a family room and he explained that Hunter was brought in with a self-inflicted gunshot wound and that his heart stopped five minutes into surgery. I asked if I could be with his body, the nurses covered up his entrance and exit wounds in his neck and face and he looked as beautiful as he was and normal and he looked peaceful.  We prayed and wept and family members and other close friends came to be with us in the room over the next few hours; it was very healing for me to be with his body that night. We donated Hunter’s corneas and I anticipate in faith and expectation that God will make that encounter possible one day.

I learned the next day, that Hunter had been arrested again a few nights before his passing and unfortunately, he was bailed out that evening. God is the only one who knows what was going through Hunter’s mind the few days leading up to his death. His girlfriend at the time was begging him not to do it as he threatened killing himself at their home as she had the emergency and police on their way, Hunter locked himself in their bedroom, but it was too late.

I developed a relationship with Michaela, Hunter’s girlfriend at the time of his passing.   She gave her life to Jesus and I had the privilege of baptizing her. It was a supernatural moment at church as people were drawn to the baptismal area afterwards, they said they wanted to be in the atmosphere, like they could see into the Heavenly realm of the spirit of God working. I truly believe angels were seen in the spiritual realm for some people who needed hope that Sunday morning.

It was Heaven touching Earth during that church service and it was the same experience during Hunter’s celebration of Life, it was standing room only. God was showing me how much he loved me in my deepest loss through stories from his friends he touched, and families that were a part of his journey. The hearts of compassion from all the other parents in our community were evident as they gathered and mourned with such a tragic loss.

The funeral director was weeping during Hunter’s service, he said he had never witnessed anything like it, and how much it impacted him. There were ladies walking in the church hours before the service interceding in prayer for those unchurched that were attending. I have heard many recent stories over the last two years of redemption from the impact of his service.

Some families came together at our church and paid for all of Hunter’s funeral expenses; this was the most lavish gift I have ever received.  We chose a casket to give away instead of buying the one that would have been cremated with his body and we were able to donate that casket to a veteran shortly after Hunter’s service. This veteran had no family, but he did have a friend who paid for his funeral and we were able to be a part of that by donating Hunter’s casket. The funeral director was blown away at the generosity he saw in this chain of supernatural events. He shared with me how he was profoundly moved.

During the months following Hunter’s passing, I visited the medical emergency station that treated Hunter at his home at the time of his shooting. I just wanted to hug the necks of those precious EMT’s and meet them face to face to see if there was anything Hunter said.  I met the EMT who said he was with Hunter making him as comfortable as possible, opening his airways and administering medication and he was praying over him the entire time and into surgery. I just wept, like how kind of God to put a praying young man with Hunter in his final moments.

The morning of Sunday, March 28^th, the day of his transition to Heaven, I went back to church after attending online for months due to Covid and not wanting to pass it on to my mom. who was in and out of the hospital from January 2020, until she passed October 22^{nd 2022}. The Holy Spirit spoke strongly to my Spirit that weekend to go to church in person, and I enthusiastically did. I had missed my church family and the sermon that morning of the 28^th of March, was titled “How to Lament well,” my heart was heavy for a number of things and I responded at the end of service to receive prayer.

A couple of nights after Hunter’s Celebration of Life, I had a vivid nightmare of Hunter laying on a garbage dump dead. I called one of our pastor’s wives and she came and prayed with me, after that I never had another nightmare.

During Christmas time 2022, a little over a year after his passing, as I was reading the bible, God showed me a scripture in 1^st Samuel chapter 2 verse 8 in the NLT. “He lifts the poor from the dust and the needy from the garbage dump. He sets them among princes, placing them in seats of honor. For all the earth is the Lord’s and he has set the world in order.”

God in His loving kindness and being near to the brokenhearted spoke again in His Word to a few months later as I was reading in our church community bible reading plan, He highlighted the same exact scripture in Psalm 113 verses 7 and 8 “He lifts the poor from the dust and the needy from the garbage dump. He sets them among princes, even the princess of his own people!”

I grieve for Hunter’s deep pain and despair in his brief life on earth; that he was in such a hopeless state that he would take his own life, AND I also know that God received Hunter with a Lavish mercy and Love this world has never known and He healed him in the Heavenly realms. And, as I have completed my Hope Unshakeable study, I have gleamed beautiful truths from other parents who have lost children and one of the most memorable; is that each day I live is one day closer to being reunited with Hunter.

I will see Goodness in the Land of The Living as I have the privilege of loving others more deeply in the same Love Jesus has lavished on me after experiencing this kind of loss. There have been numerous opportunities to minister right where God has me in the moments; 2^nd Corinthians 1:4 “who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

I have held the agony of watching Hunter in his sickness and despair and God has planted me in a church family where the Gospel, The Good News is preached weekly, and the reminder is Christ died for mine and Hunter’s sins and He conquered the grave. God’s redemptive story is shown to us in Romans 5:15 But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even great is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man Jesus Christ.

I live now with the lavish blessings of a husband; a healthy son and Hunter’s daughter God gifted me. James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.

It was June 4th, 2019. Summer had arrived, and our kids were excited about the fun  events going on that day. Our oldest, Isla,  was wrapping up her final days of second grade, and our twins, Ellie and Liam were graduating from preschool. Their little brother Elijah was just two months old, so he was along for the ride on everything. 

As I was driving everyone home from the day’s events that afternoon, I could tell Isla was tired. She wasn’t her usual bubbly self, chatting about this and that, and singing along to the radio. I told her to lay down when we got home, assuming she was exhausted from all of the fun over the past few days and later bedtimes with the summer weather. Little did I know, there was a lot more going on than just being tired. 

During the night, Isla began experiencing other symptoms, and by 6 in the morning we were heading to the ER with a fever, shortness of breath, and abdominal and leg pain. Over the next several hours Isla had lab work and imaging done that all came back normal. Despite this, the providers were concerned about the unknown cause of her fever and other symptoms, so the plan was to stay the night at the hospital for observation. 

We took the lull in the day as an opportunity to call my husband, Robert. He had flown out of town a few days prior for a training for work. I had briefly spoken to him earlier that morning to let him know what was going on, but other updates were over text amidst the business of our time in the ER, juggling childcare for our other children, and his work schedule that day. He and Isla were able to chat over FaceTime. I remember thinking she was such a trooper as I watched her talk to her Dad. She hadn’t been able to eat all day, and I knew she was really uncomfortable, but there was hardly a complaint out of her. Her face lit up while she was talking to Robert. I, on the other hand, felt like a mess! Our child was sick, we didn’t know why after a whole day in an ER, and my husband was hundreds of miles away. Fortunately, our parents had all jumped right in to help that day. 

Shortly after we got off the phone we were headed to the pediatric floor to stay the night. Isla was finally allowed to eat a clear diet, so she was savoring a grape popsicle as the nurse took her blood pressure. I will never forget the sweet smile on her face as she had a taste of it, and then offered some to me. What a thoughtful kid. 

While the nurse was having trouble getting an accurate blood pressure reading (in reality it was accurate, but Isla was showing no other signs that her blood pressure was fatally low), the provider stopped by to say she wanted to get one more ultrasound. We got Isla back on a transport bed to take her to imaging and things started to feel “off.” We hadn’t gotten a blood pressure reading, she was starting to sweat (maybe her fever was improving?), and her behavior had quickly changed; she seemed to be in a lot of pain again. 

We were in ultrasound for maybe 15 minutes. Once again, there was nothing of concern that came up. As they started to wheel her out she yelled “I want to go home!” It was completely out of character for her to yell like this. I was baffled by the statement because she knew we were spending the night. Walking alongside the stretcher she was laying on, I leaned over to offer some encouraging words. The pink in her freckle-faced cheeks was fading quickly and she was unresponsive. 

I remember every detail of what followed. This was a scene I was very familiar with, but one I never could have imagined being on the patient side of. Isla had gone into cardiac arrest. I watched as staff quickly worked, crowding around my daughter’s pale and limp body, her chest heaving up and down with compressions. I felt helpless and terrified. What was going on? 

A chaplain arrived at some point. She lovingly held me and prayed with me as I paced and kneeled at Isla’s feet. She asked me who I needed to call. I decided to call Robert’s parents first because they lived the closest. Next I called my parents, who had probably just gotten back to our house from the hospital with our other kids. I didn’t even tell them why they needed to come back. I couldn’t. 

I knew I needed to call Robert, but how could I tell him his daughter had gone into cardiac arrest? I couldn’t even process what was going on myself. After that call, I didn’t get to talk to him again until he arrived back in Minnesota at 1 in the morning, hours after I had updated him with Isla’s critical condition. 

Staff had been coordinating a helicopter transport to our local children’s hospital to start Isla on ECMO, a process that would act as her heart and lungs, allowing her body time to rest and hopefully recover. When the life flight team arrived, I helplessly watched them race her to the pad. I would have to drive to meet her there. The separation was agonizing, and yet in a room just around the corner were our three other children, also needing me. The twins were waiting with questions and concern. “Why can’t we see Isla?” “Why are you crying?”  

The events of the next nine days were the most devastating and challenging days both Robert and I, as well as our families, have ever experienced. We found out Isla had Influenza, or the flu. The virus had found its way to her heart, instead of the more common respiratory system infection it usually causes. Isla’s immune system responded excessively, and she developed something called Fulminant Myocarditis. With this diagnosis, we watched and waited while she received excellent care, hoping for God to do a miracle and heal her. 

Ultimately, Isla’s heart never recovered. Her brain, lungs and kidneys had been impacted as well, giving us signs God had called her home. The medical team took the time to answer all our questions, paused with us while we attempted to process the unfathomable, and gave us an extra day to explain what was going on to Ellie and Liam so that we could say goodbye as a family. 

On June 13th, 2019, surrounded by all of her family, Isla was disconnected from ECMO and we gave our final hugs and kisses to our sweet girl. Our worst moments of saying goodbye and walking home without her are synonymous with her best moments of meeting Jesus and experiencing heaven. 

Telling this story is never easy. I am brought right back to the crushing devastation of those days, and yet I also see God’s presence throughout it all. He was preparing us long before our world shattered. He was with us through every second of those nine days we had in the hospital, and he has been with us since. As we’ve surrendered our grief and heartache, he has revealed how intricately involved he was and continues to be in our lives, giving us confidence and hope in his love and plans for our family. The story isn’t finished. 

Todd and I have been married for almost 13 years and we have 2 kids, Micah who is now 6 and Emerysn, who is 2 years younger than him. Life was normal. Todd and I were pursuing our careers, the kids were in school, we participated in our church, we spent time traveling and spending time with friends, just normal stuff. 

On Thursday morning, May 19^th our lives changed forever. Every morning we would get the kids up by 7 am to get them ready for school and out the door. I finished making the kids lunches and glanced at the clock on the oven at it said 7:00 am. In a hurry, because I was planning to spend the day traveling for work, I rushed down the hall to get Emmy up for school. Micah was already up eating his breakfast and watching his morning cartoons. I remember on my way down the hall thinking about what I was planning to dress Emmy in for Red, White, and Blue day at school. I thought for sure her blue and white striped shorts and a red shirt.

I always tried to be a kind mom when I woke my babies up in the morning. I didn’t ever want to flip the lights on right away, so I walked into her room, turned off the sound machine, and walked across the room to open her curtains and shades. She didn’t always move when her sound machine turned off, but once I would pull the shades, she would start wrestling around. I pulled the shades, and she didn’t move and at that second I knew something was wrong. 

I approached her crib to find her lifeless. She had snuck off to heaven in the middle of the night. I screamed for Todd. He called 911 and we began performing CPR praying for a miracle. I was hoping, but my medical mind knew she was home with Jesus. It took EMS 8 minutes to get to us. Micah, we found out later, was a brave little boy that unlocked the doors and showed them where to go. Within 30 seconds of them arriving, they said there was nothing they could do. My entire world stopped. My baby was gone.

Because of her age, our house quickly became a crime scene as the police and investigators did their job. It was about 4.5 hours later that they finished their job and when Emmy left our house for the final time. We are thankful for the kindness of the mortuary workers that gave us extra time with her to say our goodbyes. And then she left, forever.

I remember that afternoon looking at Todd in complete disbelief of what happened. My brain could not even begin to process what just happened, but we knew one thing – we would only survive this with Christ. I look back and know that God gave us 5 minutes of clarity to decide that we would be all in. We would trust Him because He was our only hope. 

6 days later we buried our precious little girl after the most beautiful celebration of life. God was truly glorified and she was honored. Her funeral was packed, and I was completely shocked for her being only 3 years and 9 days. But she changed the world and I’m grateful to be her mommy.

We still  have our questions of why? Why her? Why us? The waves of grief, sorrow, and despair still rise, but our Anchor holds.  God reminds me that He is with us, He is not surprised by this, and He will not waste a second of our misery.  I have seen God carry us in ways  and I have gotten to know Him in ways I never imagined. He truly is close to the brokenhearted.   We still miss Emmy more than life itself, but we have so much hope.  We are confident that she is not lost or gone, rather she has just beat us to Heaven and one day soon, we will spend forever with Emmy and our good God that has been so gracious to us. Until that great day, I pray that God would use our story to encourage others and to bring so much glory to Him.