by ‘How do you keep going day after day after loosing a child? What do you cling to on those hard days?’
As I read those words in a text recently from a friend who also just lost a child, I began to think and reflect on what had kept us going.. At first, I conjured up what I felt seemed like typical ‘Christian’ responses faith, hope, etc., while true, they didn’t seem adequate to explain my journey. I told her I’d get back to her in a few days as I thought it though.
The next day as I was reading about Moses, it hit me, MANNA! That is what has kept me going each day. Just as the children of Israel were dependent on God to provide manna to keep them going each day, I have also had to learn to completely lean on God to give me the manna I needed every day to sustain me. (Exodus 16)
I can remember sitting on the couch in our living room the mornings just after Zoe passed away, with time to fill since I was no longer nursing and cuddling her in the early mornings. While the boys were still asleep, I would read. I felt like I was sitting there almost begging and pleading for God to fill my broken heart. I would search the pages of each book or the Bible for what God wanted to ‘feed me with’ that day. It became such a refreshing time for me that I found myself absolutely needing that time each morning. Still today, I look forward so much to that time in the mornings, alone, where I can read, enjoy my coffee, and search the Word for pieces of truth and hope to cling to each day.
In my desperate need for daily manna, I’ve also come to realize that yesterday’s manna is NOT ENOUGH for today. While in the past I may have felt I could make through on my own for at least a day or two, or sometimes even a week, today I KNOW differently. Just like the Israelites couldn’t store up manna and needed a fresh supply each day, so do I! I need the nourishment and a fresh Word, that will soothe my heart, and strengthen me each day.
While it took loosing Zoe for me to realize what desperate need for God looks like, I am grateful for this gift of desperation. I have truly come to know that nothing else will satisfy and soothe our broken hearts except the true living Word of God.