When a close friend or loved one is grieving, it is common to feel helpless and not even know where to start. The first thing we recommend is to show up.
Immediate Support:
- Bring them paper goods (plastic utensils, paper plates, lots of tissues, paper towels, napkins, etc)
- Set up a meal train for them (place a cooler on their porch for meals to be delivered to, this way they don’t have to be home or even answer the door)
- Give them a pad of paper/notebook to begin listing gifts (food, flowers, etc) as they arrive (if you are there, you can record them for the family). While they will be extremely thankful for everything done for them, the thought of writing hundreds of thank you notes is completely overwhelming. Offer to write and address their thank you notes.
- Offer to help make a slideshow for them of photos for the funeral
- Offer to set up shifts of people to play with their kids, take out their trash, sit with them so they aren’t alone, wash dishes, mow the lawn, water flowers, etc. (some may not want their kids to leave them, others may need alone time)
- Ask them what tasks are overwhelming to them; offer to help with these
- Be present with them and listen to them share (or sit in silence with them if that is needed)
Initially;What Do I Say?:
- “I’m sorry you lost _______. I will miss him/her too.”
- “I’m here.”
- “What do you need in this moment?”
- "This is awful."
- "I love you; you are not alone in this."
- Give them a hug. "There aren't words for this..."
Long-Term Support:
When a close friend or loved one is grieving, it is common to feel helpless and not even know where to start. The first thing we recommend is to show up.
Remember that you are not making them cry, you are letting them cry… You are not making them remember their child, you are letting them share what they remember of their child. Parents who lose a child are thinking about that child 99% of the time for weeks and months. Their lives have to continue but they often feel like they are in a haze with their minds constantly thinking about their loss.
- Say their child’s name
- Share memories you have of their child, text them pictures you have
- Remember the dates (their child’s birthday, heaven day) let them know you are thinking about them around these times
- Ask them how they are doing with their loss; be available to listen
- Ask them specific questions: What do you miss most? What’s your favorite memory? Tell me a story about them that makes you smile?
- Check up on the family, 30, 60, 90, 120, etc. days out; as well as major holidays
- Men be sure to ask the father to share how he is really doing; fathers can often get overlooked but really need intentional care as well.
Long Term; What do I Say?
- “I saw this picture of other day and it reminded me of _____ when ____.”
- “I was thinking about _____ today and just wanted to let you know."
- “I am praying for you today."
- "I'm missing ____ today and just wanted to let you know."
- "I have a friend who lost their ____ and wanted to know if you would be interested in connecting with them to encourage them?"
- "I love you; you are not alone in this."
What Not to Say:
- “God has a plan for this.”
- “He/She is better off (or in a better place).”
- “Be thankful for the time you had with him/her.”
- “You will feel better with time.”
- "You're young, you can have another child." or "At least you have other children."
- "I can't imagine."
- "You're so strong, I don't know how you do this."
