Lilliana Joy was supposed to be our rainbow baby, before I even knew what that term meant.  Once we made it through the first trimester, we were overjoyed!  Lilliana was perfect: no genetic issues, no pregnancy-related concerns, everything was functioning perfectly. Except none of that mattered. 

During my third trimester, at 31 weeks, our precious daughter’s heart stopped beating.  We don’t know why, and we don’t get to find out this side of Heaven. I had to wait 4 torturous days at home with my daughter already gone before being induced.  I just wanted to see her face and hold her.  My induction did not go as any of us had planned.  The result was a very scary placental abruption, and an emergency C-section.  Through it all, I continued to cry out to God to just help me through this.  Lord, help me through my first spinal, my first surgery, my fears, my first glimpse of Lilliana, and the overwhelming sound of silence after she was born.  She was delivered on a Sunday, 11/30/14 at 4:02 p.m.  There has never been a more deafening sound than a quiet room after your baby is born.  We were able to hold her, look at her, and try to cherish our short time with her.  She was 3 pounds 12 ounces, 16 ¾ inches long, and had dark hair.  She was perfect.  And we didn’t get to keep her.  She was already with Jesus. 

Lilliana’s life verse: “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me.  My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.” –Psalm 28:7

Did you know that to experience sorrow does not eliminate your joy?  That sorrow can actually deepen our capacity for joy?  It’s not natural to experience profound joy in the face of heartache.  It is the very joy of Christ within us.  God showed me that joy, in little glimpses after Lilli was gone.  He stayed by my side, comforting me through my heartache, helping me to survive this, the unthinkable, every mother’s worst nightmare.  

I read this quote in the months after we buried Lilliana.  It resonates.

“It’s a delicate balance between letting yourself grieve the way you need to and functioning in a world that keeps reminding you of what you have lost.  Live life gratefully.” –Angie Smith

Today, I am grateful to have three amazing little boys at home, one precious daughter in Heaven, and one miraculous daughter on the way.  I don’t know what our future holds, but I do know that these children are God’s children, not mine.  I will love them every day that I have them here with me, for as long as that may be.  

I gladly relinquish control to God, and pray fervently that we get to raise this baby with her big brothers.  Our hope is in Heaven, and I cannot wait to all be reunited again.

“Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. It is well, with me.”