by In May of 2014, our family of five celebrated our little girl, Kylie Noel’s, 4-month milestone with a healthy doctor check up, her first photo shoot, and a family getaway to Dallas to visit her uncle at college. Kylie was a wonderful sleeper, sleeping through the night at around two-weeks-old. She would nap just about anywhere. I even have a picture of her napping, wrapped up in her favorite blanket in the front of a store basket while shopping for our church women’s retreat. She was the first of our three babies to love sleeping on our chests – such a snuggle bug. The most laid back & outgoing baby girl full of hearty giggles. Kylie loved being held by anyone that wanted one-on-one time as she gave them her full captivation. She adored and was equally adored by her 5-year-old big sister, Peyton, and 6-year-old big brother, Jonah. Peyton and Jonah being so close in age, we hadn’t yet gotten to see them in such a care-taking, gentle, and adoring way like they were with Kylie. They just melted around their baby sister.
On May 3, we spent the day like most Saturdays, cleaning up the house and running errands. We were also preparing to celebrate my husband, Dennis’, birthday with a party in our home the next day. Little did we know that normal, mundane, routine day was filled with all of our beautiful little Kylie girl’s “last everything.” We had a marital squabble first thing. Such a waste of precious time. Kylie kept smiling and coo-ing at us and we quickly got over it and resumed our day’s plans.
That evening, we had our nephew over for a sleepover and popped some pizzas in the oven. I had decided to run a few last minute errands during Kylie’s last nap. As I prepared to head out, I got a bottle ready for her daddy to feed her and lay her down. She kept coo-ing & smiling at me, as though to tell me to stop and spend a few minutes with her. So, I put my purse down and stayed to feed her before running my errands. That’s the moment I play over and over again in my head. So thankful I stopped and fed her that last bottle as we cuddled and looked into each other’s eyes that last time. I can still remember the fullness of her body in my arms. At times, I can still feel the weight of her body against my chest and the warmth of her head in the crook of my neck as I burped her one last time. I kissed her chubby cheeks, handed her to her daddy and left for the store.
That was it. Those were my last precious moments with my baby girl. The next moment I would look upon her would be the most traumatic moment of my life.
Around 9pm, I returned home and was enjoying a chat with my husband. I got a bottle ready while Dennis went to wake her. Our entire lives and perspectives changed those next few moments. Kylie wasn’t breathing. Dennis yelled for me to call 911. He began CPR and continued until the first responders arrived and let him know he could stop. She was gone. She had passed away shortly after falling asleep. The rest of that night was a blur. Our front yard was covered with officers, emergency personnel, fire trucks, ambulances, crime scene investigators, and a constant coming and going of neighbors, friends and family; everyone in shock and no one being able to help our little girl or change our reality. We weren’t allowed back into our home until it had been thoroughly investigated. So, we sat outside in the midst of our sudden grief. But in that deep, dark-pit moment, we caught a glimpse of peace and hope – God, our Faithful Father, showed up. The full moon shone on the Easter cross still in our front flowerbed and illuminated the words written on it, “He is Risen!” We felt God comforting us in a way only He can. Because His Son, Jesus, defeated death and is alive and well, our daughter was alive and well and in His presence! We WOULD see her and hold her again! This was NOT the end!
“Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live.”Jn 14:19
“Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.” 2 Cor 5:8
The following weeks consisted of the most unnatural moments and events any parent should never have to live through: not being able to pick up or move our own child until she and our home were cleared by the investigators, meeting at the funeral home to pick out a tiny casket, planning her memorial and burial, finding every picture we could of her, and choosing the last precious outfit from her closet she would wear here on earth. The coroner’s report arrived and we were told that they found no fault or reason to explain why she had passed and determined it to be SIDS. Through the shock and fog of that night, the Lord spoke clearly to our hearts that this tragedy would not be meaningless. (2 Cor 4:17) Her life has great purpose! Satan would not win in her life story! We vowed to share her story and the hope and peace our heavenly Father gave us; a hope and peace that TRULY surpasses all understanding, one moment at a time.
By the grace of God, we welcomed our precious rainbow baby girl into our family about one year later. Piper Noel (named after her big sister in heaven) has been a miraculous gift of grace that has brought so much healing to each one of us in so many ways.
Our grief still comes in waves and many times unexpectedly but, those waves aren’t as rough or as often as they used to be. Although there are more days of joy than pain now, our hearts and arms will always ache for our little Kylie Noel and for our family to be complete again. So, with God’s strength, we choose daily to find joy in our HOPE through Jesus, to remember that this will not be forever and that we will be complete again one fine day in Glory!
Each day, we are One Day Closer to Glory!