My husband Michael and I struggled with infertility for some time. With lots of prayers, a little bit of science, and support from family we made it happen. One round of IVF, and we had our oldest Everleigh. I always wanted her to have a sibling close in age so we decided to try another round of IVF. During this journey Michael and I were having some problems in our marriage and I found out I was pregnant with twins. Of course I was overjoyed. But scared, that I might be doing this alone. I prayed constantly about my fears and I asked got to please not let this be more than I can handle. And now the guilt of that prayer haunts me. I didn’t mean it that way, did I somehow speak it into existence?

Fast forward to May 8th, 2022; I had been feeling terrible since the day prior but it was my baby shower so I tried to suck it up. I convinced myself it was just another kidney stone. I tried to get ready to go celebrate Mother's Day , but I was in so much pain. We decided to head to the hospital I was planning to deliver at, just to be safe. They checked me, and I was 6 ½ cm dilated with very consistent contractions, but since Adley was breech, I needed an emergency c-section. 

After what felt like forever my sweet girls were here. But nobody was telling me anything. Finally the doctor came over to me, held my hand and said, "Don't don’t worry we have got this! Emerie is doing well and is only needing low flow oxygen. But Adley is having some trouble breathing." They then had to intubate her. 

The doctors then called Lifeline, and decided that she was going to have to go to a more skilled hospital with a NICU. I only got to see Adley for a second before they took her. My husband went with her. I was back in my room, and finally the nurse came in and said, "Let's go see your baby!" They took me to Emerie, and I finally got to snuggle her. She was perfect.

Two days later Emerie and I went home, she was doing amazing. Adley was still in the NICU, but she was improving. She finally got to come home the next Friday. Finally, all of my babies under one roof. I couldn’t quit smiling. My twinnies finally got to be together! The first time I laid them next to each other they just nuzzled right in and went to sleep.

The next several days things were going well figuring out life with newborn twins, and an almost 2 year old. Life was great, until May 19th. Emerie was fine, she was alert, taking her bottles, nothing unusual. We laid the twins down, and did a few things around the house. Everleigh wanted to go outside and for whatever reason we looked over at Emerie on the way out. She was laying there awake but something wasn’t right.

I immediately got on the phone with the pediatrician as we loaded her into the car to go to the ER. The ER took us straight back to a room, and the doctor was already in the room waiting for us. I explained how she was acting lethargic, and I remember the doctor saying that lethargic was quite a strong word.

They did an exam, and took blood, but Emmy didn’t make a peep. The doctor stepped out for a few minutes, came back, and apologized. She said that Lifeline was on the way, and yes she was very lethargic. They had no idea what was wrong.

My husband and I decided he would go with Emmy, and I needed to go back home with Evie and Addy. I loved on Emerie and told her I'd see her soon. Little did I know that would be the last time I would see her awake.

My husband kept me updated on everything that was going on. Early the next morning, he said that I needed to get to the hospital. Emerie had tested positive for meningitis, but that they were still unsure if it was viral or bacterial. I packed a bag and got to the hospital in Arnett as quickly as I could.

 By the time I got there Lifeline was on the way to transfer her again to Riley Hospital. I walked over to Emerie, and she was covered in tubes and wires. They had her on a ventilator. I didn’t understand what was happening. When they got her to Riley Hospital, they asked Michael and I to wait in the waiting room for them to assess her, and run some more tests. 

It was around 1am when they finally let us back to see her, and they told us that we needed to prepare for an extended stay. Thank goodness for my family, as they all took turns staying with Evie and Addy.

Emmy had begun to have continuous seizures and was soon hoked up to an EEG machine. The next morning a group of doctors came in and shared that  Emerie had bacterial meningitis from an extremely rare bacteria called crono-bacter. This is the type of meningitis they told us at Arnett that we did not want her to have, however at that point they still seemed hopeful that Emmy could fight this. 

But even by the hour her condition was deteriorating. Even with all the medicines they could not get the seizures to stop. And they couldn’t get her down for a CT scan to see where the seizures were starting because she was so unstable.

On May 21st, which is also my birthday, a doctor came in and told me that we needed to begin preparing ourselves for our baby to not to be here in a few days. I couldn’t breathe. "What do you mean my baby wont be here? You cant tell me that, just fix her!" I cried. 

When Michael came back up to the room, I was on the floor, and I couldn't get up. I told him what the doctor had said and we were both in disbelief. The nurse came in and asked if I wanted to hold her. For the first time in 3 days I was able to hold my baby. We asked if our pastor could come up and pray with us. The hospital made an exception, and he got there as quickly as he could. As I was holding Emmy our pastor just wrapped his arms around us, and prayed and we baptized her. I sat there for a couple hours after just trying to memorize every feature on her perfect face. Michael called our families and told them the news.


That night I actually fell asleep, and when I woke up our nurse had decorated Emerie's room. She made signs and a big banner that had her name. There was one she made that just made it all seem so real. It was Emmy's hand and footprints that formed an angel with a quote underneath that said, “Not all twins walk side by side sometimes one has wings to fly”.

It just hit me like a brick wall. And I couldn’t breathe again. The same group of doctors came in that morning and said that they needed to get her down for a CT scan, so they could pin point the seizures. We agreed and they took every precaution to keep her safe during the scan. A few hours later those same doctors came back in, and said I wish we had better news. I was standing by Emerie and they said the scan is not good. Her entire brain had been affected by the meningitis and the seizures. There was no activity at all. I couldn’t hold myself up. Emeries nurse held me up.

They sent in someone from palliative care, and she explained things and prayed with us. She said now is the time if you want to have family come in and say their goodbyes. She told us when we are ready we need to talk about letting Emerie go. Our families came in and got to hold Emmy and love on her. After everyone left, we spent the evening with the palliative care team making molds of her hands and feet and recording her heartbeat on a little recording heart to put into a bear. A photographer came in and took pictures for us. But I just kept thinking this was so wrong. 'She has to come home with me. I was supposed to protect her, that’s what a mama does.' I kept asking God to please not take my baby, just please let her be okay.

We spent the next couple of days just trying to process things, and and soak up all the time with Emmy as we could. I woke up the morning of the 26th and something inside was almost yelling at me saying, 'I promise it's okay. Emerie is going to be okay.'

 I told Michael we needed to let her go. We talked with our nurse and they got things ready. I prayed so hard to let me be strong for Emerie during this time. The doctor removed her IVs and took out the ventilator. He handed me my sweet girl. I could finally see her sweet face without any tubes or wires in the way.

They said the whole time she was on the vent she never tried to breathe over it so we need to be prepared that it probably wouldn’t take long. They kept the one iv of morphine going to keep her comfortable. I wrapped her up in her blanket and just held her and talked to her. I told her it was okay, and we would all be fine. Emerie held on for 6 hours. I got to have 6 more hours with my girl to just snuggle. I will forever treasure those 6 hours. The nurse came in and told us she was gone. She sat down with me and asked if I wanted to pick out her angel dress, and help bathe her. But I couldn’t let her go, I physically could not let go of her. I prayed so hard and god gave me that strength to let go, and bathe her, and pick out her angel dress. She truly did look like an angel. I kissed her and told her I loved her and we got in our car and went home. I kept looking in the back at the empty carseat and just couldn’t understand why.  She was just perfectly fine, and now I have an empty carseat.

The 18 days we had with Emerie will always be treasured. 18 days was just not enough, but the Lord needed her home, and I know she is in paradise. As much as I want to be selfish, and have my girl here with me I know she is right where God wants her to be. I know we will be together again soon. Everyday until then I miss her fiercely, and will keep her memory alive. I want the girls to know about Emerie, and especially Adley to know that she is a part of her; that’s her twinnie. 

This verse that gives me comfort, knowing we will be together again. Romans 8:18 'I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.'