by It has taken me a long time to write this… almost 2 years actually, from the day that our son Samuel Gene Whitaker was born and then went to be with his Father in heaven less than an hour later.
I imagine everyone has days in life that you can remember vividly. I can recall with pretty amazing accuracy, especially for someone who doesn’t have a great memory, 7/10, 1/19, 10/19, and 6/26 – the birthdays of our children – George, Olivia, Samuel, and Annie. I can tell you what time we went to the hospital, the major details of the births, how much the kids weighed, who came to see us, how bad the food was. I remember almost every last detail of Samuel’s birth. Jessica was 32 weeks pregnant, and woke me up at 2am to tell me she had been having contractions for hours. She had been praying that they would stop. She was not ready for him to come yet. Rushing to the hospital to deliver our son, and knowing that unless God saw fit to change things, Samuel was mostly likely going to be stillborn. Praying so fervently while they hurriedly prepared her for a C-section – for Jessica, for Samuel, for our family, for God’s will to be done in all of this. I remember looking into Jessica’s eyes as they pulled Samuel out, and we heard his soft little cry; they gave him to us, and we were able to see him open his eyes. We held him and told him how much we loved him for just a short while before he passed away and went to our Father’s house in heaven. I know that he is there, but it still hurts every day.
Well before we planned to get pregnant; either shortly after we got married, or maybe even before were married, Jessica and I talked about having kids. We talked about names, character traits and behaviors, we joked about what we might want to pass on or not pass on to our children. Just normal stuff, that I imagine most couples do. We also discussed and agreed, without any debate or hesitation, that if there was ever anything deemed out of the ordinary with any of our kids while Jessica was pregnant, it would change nothing about how we felt about the pregnancy or the baby. We always had the mindset that God had given us that baby for a reason, and we were going to care for it as best we could, for as long as He allowed us.
We had George in Tyler, TX in 2012, and moved briefly, to the Fort Worth area for a job soon after. We moved again, to Spring, TX in the summer of 2013, after I accepted a job at Oak Ridge High School as an Athletic Trainer. It was a great opportunity for me to work in a great school, with great people. It was also a homecoming for me as well, as my family still lives in the area. I was considering a career change, but that was put on hold when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia; she arrived in early 2015. We decided not too long after that we needed to buckle down and find a church home, the second church we attended in the area was Oak Ridge Baptist Church. Immediately we felt welcomed, and at home. Every lesson and message we heard spoke directly to us. We found out at this point that we were pregnant again. Not coincidentally, we also felt led to join ORBC. As a part of the membership process, our pastor meets with everyone that wants to join the church. I remember before the meeting we were about six weeks pregnant, I really wanted to bring it up during the meeting, but did not.
At the end of the 2016 school year, pregnant and all, we decided that I would leave my career of 15 years, and open a CrossFit gym that I would run full time. Up until this point Jessica’s pregnancy had been normal. At her 16 week ultrasound the doctor was not in the office that morning; we did not think anything was out of the ordinary. Jessica went about her day at work, and I went to the school, to resign my position. In the middle of my telling the Athletic Director I would not be returning, my phone rang. I silenced it, and continued. After the meeting and fresh out of a job, I checked the voicemail to hear Jessica’s doctor telling us that we needed to call him on his cell phone as soon as possible. We found out that our baby’s bladder and kidneys looked distended (full of fluid), and that he was going to refer us to a Maternal Fetal Specialist for some better imaging and a course of action. We were worried, to say the least, we had no idea what to expect, but from the tone of Jessica’s doctor, it was not a good situation.
The following week, we met with the specialist. She did the ultrasound to confirm what our doctor had seen. The doctor gave us the news that we needed to see a Fetal Specialist in downtown Houston. He was one of the best doctors in the field, and might be able to place a shunt in our baby’s bladder to drain the fluid, and help his kidneys. She cried with us while she explained what was going on. She prayed with us before we left her office.
A few days later we went to our appointment at our Fetal Specialist office. The ultrasound seemed to take a week. First the tech performed the scan. Then the doctor and his medical student performed the scan again. When finished the doctor asked that we meet in the office across the hall. We knew things were serious. He sat us down told us that there was nothing we could do for our baby boy. His urethra was completely blocked causing fluid not to drain and form amniotic fluid around him, but instead to back up into his kidneys. More than having a kidney problem, the lack of fluid around our baby would make it impossible for his lungs to develop correctly. He told us there was a high likelihood that our baby would die in utero or be stillborn, but if he wasn’t he would not live long after birth. He gave us the option of terminating the pregnancy, which from the beginning, not an option for us. As hard as it was to hear that news, we already loved our baby boy and chose to carry him until God was ready for him. We named him Samuel on the drive home.
How do you tell people that you are pregnant, but that when your baby is born he will die? Grief is not something people like to discuss, or confront. We all avoid it. Those were some hard conversations, we got a lot of prayers, support, and love from so many people. Sadly, Jessica also received a lot of negative feedback as well. Our family cried with us and supported us, our church prayed over us continually, friends threw Jessica a ‘Prayer Shower’, and the members of our growing gym supported us daily. We chose to love Samuel in the time that we had with him. We created a ‘Bucket List’ of activities and outings George and Olivia would have wanted to do with Samuel, we did those things with him while Jessica was pregnant. We hope that some of those memories last for them. We will always remind them of those memories.
Our story with Samuel is so remarkable. It’s a story of how God’s timing and plan is so perfect, that he put us in a place and at a certain time for his purpose. Even if we were totally unaware of it. In hindsight, I see His hand in everything in our life, but especially when it comes to Samuel. I recognize Him in the those everyday moments, things, and people that were placed in our lives. I am so thankful.
Samuel’s short life has impacted so many people already, probably more than we know about. It has restored their faith, and given them hope. We pray that our lives, and going through what we’ve gone through, will help someone else.
We have been so blessed. We are so thankful, even in the midst of sorrow and grief.
We are blessed by our son George, blessed by our daughter Olivia, blessed by our son Samuel, and blessed by the newest addition to our home – Annie. We are blessed that the Lord has put us in this place, at this time, for his purpose with our lives. Blessed that we have so many family, friends, a church, and others that care so much for us.
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. -Deuteronomy 31:6