I’ve written this post many times in my head. Each time I feel like it goes in a different direction. I want to express a guy’s side of grief, but it’s difficult because everyone grieves differently. This post is for dads, like me, who have lost a child. If you know someone who is in our shoes, please share this with them.

Dear Dad,
Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. You didn’t ask to be a part, but now you are a member. I am too. I was welcomed into the club when my three month old daughter Zoe died from SIDS. We didn’t want to be in this, but here we are together. You may feel so alone right now, but you’re not. There are many of us who are in the club. I was fortunate to have several veteran members share with me their experience and what they have learned. While still somewhat of a rookie, I wanted to share with you what I have learned so far, and that you are not alone in this club.

 

Maybe you feel completely alone, I am with you. Maybe you feel like everything is moving slowly, like you are underwater, I am swimming with you.

 

Maybe you feel like things are moving so quickly around you that everything’s a blur, I see that blurred vision too.

 

Maybe you feel like you have to hold things in together so that you can allow others to grieve, I am holding them with you.

 

Maybe you wait for a call to tell you that things aren’t the way they seem, that this is all a mix-up, I am waiting with you.

 

Maybe you feel like you are unsure what the next step looks like in your life, I am with you in the uncertainty.

 

Maybe you wonder if the pain that you are feeling will ever subside, I am with you in the wondering.

 

Maybe you think of all the things you are going to miss, I am missing them with you.

 

Maybe you don’t know what you are feeling right now, I am with you in the unknown.

 

Dad, there are so many things that are going through your head right now, but I am with you. However, I need to let you know, when I say “I am with you.” I really am, but not because I have the strength to be with you in the pain and the sorrow and the confusion. Rather, it is because God is with me that I am able to be with you. Really, it is he, God, who is with you.

 

I have learned that there are so many different directions that I can go with the loss of my daughter. I can spend time wishing that I had done things differently, from as little as spending more time at home, to as big has having taken the day off to be with her. However, wishing for the past to be different doesn’t help. I can spend time feeling like I let my family down because I was unable to protect my daughter. But the reality is there is nothing I can do right now. I can spend time withdrawn from my family and wife because I don’t know how to share what I’m feeling. Truthfully, I know that withdrawing from them is the worst thing that I can do right now. There are so many different things that I can do, but they won’t help me move on, but it is my choice.

 

That is the most important thing that I’ve learned is that I have to choose to move forward. They are simple choices, like taking a shower and shaving the day after Zoe passed away. They are simple like forcing myself to eat, even though I wasn’t hungry, or making the bed, even though no one would fault me if I didn’t. I had to make those choices, they weren’t going to just happen by themselves. The great thing about these choices, is that it’s never too late to start making them, but you have to choose, remember I am with you in those choices. God is with you.

 

Fellow club member, there is no way around this, life is tough right now. That being said, you are not alone. My faith in God has allowed me to walk through this tough time with hope, and there will be more things that will be tough in the future. I am confident that God will be with me. But maybe you don’t believe in God, can I share my faith in him with you? Can I walk with you through this journey? Seriously, I want to walk through the hard times with you, you are not alone. Let me walk with you through this journey. Maybe the first choice you need to make is to talk to me. I am with you in that choice. Will you email me? We can walk together, I guarantee you that the walk is better with someone by your side. I am here for you. 

 

Empathetically

Jeff

If you want to share your story with someone, or you feel like you can’t talk to anyone, please contact me. If you know someone who needs to talk, please share this with them, I would love to listen. You can email me at jrollins@hopefamilycareministries.org.