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Our Story of Hope- Impey Family (Stevie)

It had been a perfect Mother’s Day weekend. Our family had gone out of town, with a large group of close family friends, several with young children. The weather was unseasonably warm for Washington State, so we swam all afternoon on Sunday before heading home. It wasn’t surprising that our 2 young boys, 2 ½ yr. old Stevie and his 11-month old brother, Matthew slept the entire 3 hr. trip home! I worried the boys might not want to go to bed when we returned that Sunday night. I was 7 months pregnant with Drew and was ready for a good night’s sleep in my own bed. It’s a memory I will always cherish.

Monday morning, Stevie awoke cranky, not his usual content disposition. Both boys had a cough and a runny nose, but nothing concerning. On Tuesday, Stevie’s cold turned into flu-like symptoms and his demeanor began to worsen. He eventually grew listless, so both my husband and I felt we needed to take him to the E.R.

It was decided Bill would take Stevie, and I would stay at home with Matthew. I became anxious when I didn’t hear anything for several hours. Then, around 2:00 AM on Tuesday, the phone rang. I was alarmed that is wasn’t Bill on the line, but a nurse: “Hello, is this Leah Impey? We think your son has something wrong with his heart. Can you come to the hospital now?” 

By the time I reached the hospital, the Pediatric Cardiologist told us that Stevie was fighting some kind of an infection that was affecting his heart. They said “He is a very, very sick little boy. We are doing everything we know to do, but don’t know if he will make it through the night. His heart is being attacked, and is already half-dead. If he survives, he will need a heart transplant, and will not be able to live a normal life.” I can remember the horror and total disbelief what we were hearing. Fear gripped my body and soul in a way that’s indescribable. 

Since you are reading this story, you probably know the outcome. Stevie did not survive. By Thursday evening, our precious Stevie had lost the battle against a virus. I could share the part of our story where we felt like we might be losing our mind, and all the stages of grief we experienced, which certainly has value. Yet, I feel compelled to focus on the parts that helped us to keep breathing and living.

One memory that is crystal clear was on the first morning after we arrived at the hospital. Family and friends began arriving to offer support. We all gathered in a waiting room for prayer. My Dad made a statement before he prayed. It went straight into my heart and has guided me many times since: “We will not look to our circumstances, but to God.” I began to ponder the profoundness of that statement. That single sentence was absolutely pivotal. In one moment, the terrible, dark fear vanished. I had always known that the presence of God was always with me, but as I “looked to God”, I became aware of it. I “felt” the Peace that passes all understanding wash over me like a warm shower. I could breathe normally!

Don’t get me wrong. I was still very much in the middle of the most traumatic experience of my life. Both my husband and I were desperate for our son to live. Yet, somehow the Peace never left. 

There were lots of tears as we talked, prayed and waited to see if he could just hold out against this infection. I can remember sitting on the floor in the waiting room the second day, saying to some family members, “If God chooses that Stevie is not to be healed, I want to ask God for 2 things: 

  1. You are going to have to make me O.K. because I don’t know how I will ever live. I will never be O.K. if he dies! I think I will die too. Please, will you do this for me? 
  2. I want to make sure that we will have opportunities to talk to people about the Lord because of this tragedy. If you take Stevie home to Heaven, I need you to give us opportunities that last for as long as we are here on this earth. I can’t bear to be separated from him if there isn’t an on-going, redeemable value. I know suffering is never in vain in God’s economy. If you will allow us to make a difference for eternity, then that will make the separation more bearable. After all, God gave up his Son for the sake of the world, how could I not be willing to trust God with our son too?”

God honored me by answering those prayer requests in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I already believed that God is never surprised by events the way we are. In other words, He is all-knowing (Omniscient). I also believed God is never constrained by time the way humans are. Simply put, He is eternal. 

God displayed these two great attributes of Himself in a powerful way. Not being constrained by time, and by knowing all things, God had been providentially preparing me for a future He knew was coming my way. During those dark hours of worry and fear, He was gently aligning my heart with His. 

To say it simply, He walked with me “through the valley of the shadow death.” God gave me His eternal view of life, which included Stevie’s life. He impressed upon me that even if Stevie dies, yet will he live. God helped me to really believe this deep in my heart not just in my head. I knew that Stevie would still be alive in God’s heaven. This began to help me be O.K. if he died. This is how God comforted me. He was preparing me for my future, preparing me to live and die too. He answered this prayer by doing this for me. 

God honored my other prayer request by giving my husband and I opportunities to talk to other moms, dad who had suffered the death of a child. But we’ve also been able to minister to many people in various struggles as a direct result of Stevie’s death for over two decades. He was giving us a purpose, which is to bring hope to others who suffer. In doing this, we have found healing and have joy in our hearts. I cannot imagine how we could have healed and live, without God’s promises!

Just like you, we both still hate being separated from our Stevie. Yet, God has used our tragedy in so many redeeming ways, that we see are making a difference for eternity. This has made the separation more bearable. God has healed our broken hearts. 

For us, 25 years have passed. A couple of months after Stevie went to heaven our boy Matthew got to meet his newborn brother Andrew. Then came Claire, followed by Samuel. Now our 4 wonderful children are fully grown. Recently, our family grew again as we welcomed Jessica, our first daughter-in-law, into our family. 

Leah, Bill, Samuel, Claire, her boyfriend Hunter, Drew

Our new daughter-in-law Jess and son Matt

God answered my two prayers, and over the years He has answered so many more of our prayers regarding our children. God desires to answer your prayers as well. He also desires that you experience His presence in your time of loss. God has healed our broken hearts and He will heal yours too, simply by turning to and trusting Him. His comfort and presence are a divine gift to anyone who asks for it and receives it. 

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Dear Woman Who Has Never Lost a Child,

 

Dear Woman Who Has Never Lost a Child,

I was once in your shoes; with two sons by my side and a daughter in my arms.  When I was pregnant with both of our boys, I was oblivious to that fact that other moms around me were hurting; many in silence.

I didn’t know anyone by name who was living through a miscarriage, the birth of a still born baby, nor a parent who lost a child to SIDS. Our close friends had lost their child to illness as a toddler, and that was a pain I couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

Yet, should I have felt guilty that I had a child and others did not? Absolutely not. Should I have not shared the immense joy of our sons’ births publicly? Absolutely not. Guilt is never the answer.

Should I have been more thankful and less quick to complain about pregnancy or motherhood; yes. Yes I should have.

Sometimes I forgot that:

There are many women begging for the aches of pregnancy.

There are many women longing for long nights awake with a fussy baby.

There are many women who long for someone to call them ‘Mom’.

There are many women who feel like God is answering everyone else’s prayers but theirs.

And all those things that we complain about, are exactly the things that someone else is begging for.

Three years after our second son was born, I was pregnant with Zoe, and things were much different. This time, eight of my friends and family lost their precious growing baby through miscarriage during my pregnancy. It was incredibly hard to know what to say or do. I had many conversations with God about ‘Why us?’, “Why did we get to keep our baby?’, and ‘How was I supposed to respond as the only one who was still pregnant?’ I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to celebrate publicly at times, because I didn’t want to hurt them; but I did know the last thing they would want to hear was my complaining.

Yet three months after she was born, our precious baby girl was no longer with us anymore. At three months of age, she closed her eyes for a nap and then opened them again in the arms of her Heavenly Father. She was able to meet many of our friends and family’s little ones before their earthly parents even got to meet them.

All of the sudden, things changed. All of the sudden I became a part of the group of women who HAD lost a child. With feelings and emotions that I’d never experienced before, I began to swim through a rip tide of emotions. However, the best thing I did was to allow myself to feel the bottom of the ocean. As my feet scrapped across the bottom, God gave me the strength to push off, and steadily I began to rise back up eventually above the rip tide. For many years as a teenager and even in college, I had taught this ‘life saving’ technique of pushing off the bottom to my swim students; it was finally time to practice what I had taught.

You see, that is where many of your friends are, they are stuck spinning around day after day in that rip tide of emotions. Therefore, they may be what seems overly emotional at times, extremely sensitive, or downright insensitive to you. But here is the truth, they need you. They also need you to let them feel the bottom, so they are better positioned to push off when they are ready. Extra grace is required. They, deep in their hearts, are happy for your pregnancy. They want to hold your baby; but maybe are too scared to feel the feelings that come with that. They want to come to your baby shower, but aren’t sure if they could emotionally survive. So what do you do? You include, invite, and share with them anyway; you let THEM choose what they are ready for.

Every mom who has lost a child has different needs, however, the thing that fills my heart with constant joy, is to see a mom who has their baby, but is so over the top grateful for all that comes with that- the aches and pains of pregnancy, and exhaustion and the sleepless nights of having a newborn. I don’t believe you have to go through a miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss to have a grateful heart as a mom… rather, it’s about where you choose to focus. Your gratefulness as a mother is a gift to your child, but it is also a gift to those around you.

October 15th is Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Day, another day for you to support your loved ones who have lost a child- Send them a note, share a picture that you have of their child or them during their pregnancy, recognize their child and their pain.