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Our Story of Hope- Clark Family (Lauren)

Many years ago, my husband and I decided that we were ready to become parents.  We were filled with so much hope, excitement, and love for a future with children.  When we started that process, we never expected for it to be as difficult as it was.  Months of trying to get pregnant turned into years of trying to get pregnant.  Then miraculously, after two and a half years of infertility, we became pregnant! Nine months later, we welcomed our daughter, Lauren, into the world! It was one of the best days of our lives! 

When Lauren turned two, we couldn’t get rid of this feeling that our family felt incomplete.  That desire to raise another child slowly consumed our hearts.  So, we made the decision to start trying for baby number.  Unfortunately, months of trying to get pregnant quickly turned into years again.  Then one day, out of the blue, the world of infertility came crashing down on us as we began to finally get some answers.  It wasn’t good news.  We were told by our OBGYN that we would never be able to get pregnant again…ever.  When we heard this news, our world shattered.  This was not our plan for our family.  Our goals and dreams and plans for becoming parents did not seem to line up with God’s plans for us. We began to grieve the life we were never going to have.

We didn’t like or understand God’s plans for us, but we tried the best we could to trust Him. It took us quite a while to grieve our hopes and dreams of having two children biologically. But in January of 2018, we made a conscious decision to be grateful. We realized that God had blessed us with one amazing, little girl. We realized that we would never be a family of four, but we were a family of three, and for that we were thankful.  We decided that it was time for us to find joy again in life. We were just starting to heal and beginning to really enjoy life again when the unimaginable happened. 

On the evening of March 19th, 2018, my parents agreed to pick Lauren up from preschool and let her spend the night with them at their house. She was so excited! Little did we know, at that time, that she would never step foot back into our house again.  

In the early afternoon on Tuesday, March 20th, 2018, I drove to my parent’s house to pick up Lauren. As I swung open the door, I heard the pitter-patter of little feet pounding on the floor as Lauren ran over to see me.  She immediately jumped into my arms, and yelled, “Mommy! I love you, Mommy!!”  Her hug and her love felt so amazing! She talked about how she missed me and how she was so glad I was there to get her. Of course, I didn’t realize that this moment would be the very last interaction I would ever have with her.  And I definitely didn’t expect it to be the last time I would ever hear her say, “I love you”.  

Shortly after I arrived, Lauren asked me if she could go outside and play on the swing set while I talked to my mom.  She loved to play outside at grandma and grandpa’s house. It was one of her favorite places. Before I knew it, she was out the door and climbing around all over the place.  

My mom and I sat in her kitchen, smiling with joy, while we kept a close eye on her. Lauren’s imagination was in overdrive that afternoon as she talked to the birds in the trees.  She was doing what she loved.  She was playing, and she was having a blast.  She was in love!  

What happened next all feels like a huge blur. It is the part of our story that is still hard for us to talk about. While playing and climbing on the swing set, Lauren got herself caught.  She ended up accidentally hanging herself.  My mom and I immediately rushed out to get her. A moment later, when we got to her, the tears began to flow as we held her lifeless and unresponsive body in our arms.  

We immediately started CPR and called 911. As we waited for the paramedics and police to arrive, I remember frantically praying to God to save my little girl, all while having a sense that this wasn’t going to turn out the way I wanted it to. I just kept praying and praying and praying. I kept thinking, “Surely God won’t allow anything bad to happen to her.” A few minutes later the paramedic, police, and fire departments all arrived.  I remember them pushing me out of the way so they could take over. I tried to stand up and I couldn’t even stand.  I collapsed into a heap on the grass.  I knew this was bad, really bad. The tears started flowing even more as I cried uncontrollably. I only looked up because a policeman asked me if he could talk to me.  The only words that I could manage to get out of my mouth at that moment were, “Is she going to be alright?” His lack of response only confirmed what my gut was telling me.  

The paramedics rushed her to the emergency room.  My husband met us at the hospital. When we arrived, there were close to 50 medical people in the area.  Every one of them was frantically working to save our little girl. We could see the looks on their faces; our hearts already knew that she was with Jesus. Eventually, the doctors walked out of the emergency room with a look on their face.  We were bracing for the words that we knew were coming; the words that would forever change our lives. “I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Clark.  We have done everything that we can to save Lauren. There is nothing else that we can do.  As a team, we have made the decision to stop working on her.  Her time of death is 2:24 pm.” 

We later learned that she most likely died as soon as the accident occur.  The doctors told us that it was most likely instantaneous.  The paramedics and doctors worked on her for 42 minutes, even though they knew she was gone, in hopes of a miracle.  But that day there was no miracle.  God did not answer our prayers.  Our only child, Lauren, died at the age of five and a half.  One moment she was smiling here on earth, and the next moment she was smiling in the arms of God.  She walked through the gates of Heaven while doing one of her absolute favorite things…playing 

That afternoon our world came to a screeching halt.  The “it would never happen to us” happened to us. In those moments after, our lives truly came crashing down.  Our hearts shattered into a zillion, little pieces.  Our faith crumbled right in front of us.  In that moment, nothing in life made any sense.  After years upon years of infertility, and no ability to have more children, losing Lauren felt so unfair.  Sitting in the hospital room that evening, we were mad.  We were so angry. I wish I could tell you that we got down on our knees and prayed or that we had a moment of peace that surpasses all understanding.  But we didn’t. Instead we screamed at God.  We yelled at him. Our only child was gone, and there was no hope for having any more children.  God could have saved Lauren that day, but he didn’t. And for that, we were ready to turn our backs on him. 

Thankfully, we never did. Our community of friends, church members, and family members gathered around us to celebrate sweet Lauren and her life.  They stood with us when we barely had enough strength to stand.  They rallied around us as we walked through the darkest days of our lives.  Night and day, they loved us and supported us as we tried to make sense of the impossible.  They spoke the truth to us of what the Bible says, even if we didn’t want to hear it. They refused to let us fail.  They refused to let us fall.  They refused to let us walk away from our faith. Because of our community, we never lost our faith.  It crumbled.  But with time, prayer, and lots of love, we were able to start rebuilding it.  

In the months after Lauren passed away, we struggled with the impossible task that most grieving parents have to face. We had to create Lauren’s tombstone. As we designed the tombstone, it was important for us to have a Bible verse on it. We struggled to find the “right” Bible verse that described our sweet, little girl in the midst of this horrible situation. 

After searching for what seemed like forever, we found it. Ephesians 5:2 – “Live a life filled with love.” That was it! That was Lauren! In her short five and a half years, Lauren loved so well, and she loved so unconditionally! She loved others, she loved God, and she loved life!  She truly lived a life filled with love! Little did we know at the time, that this verse would become one part of the foundation we would stand upon as we grieved the loss of Lauren. It quickly became the inspiration we needed to see beyond the grief and begin to live life again. 

We started praying and asking God to show us how to love others just like Lauren did. She showed us what it meant to truly love unconditionally. She loved people but even more she loved to make people feel special. She loved to make people laugh. She loved life and taught us the value of what is truly important in life. She loved her goals and dreams and never gave up on them. She loved God and embodied what true child-like faith looked like. She loved her family and friends and reminded us daily that they are the most important. We were inspired and determined to love others the way that she did; the way that God wants us to love others. We prayed that we could begin to live a life filled with love again. We prayed and asked that God would show us how we could help Him turn these ashes into beauty. We prayed for healing.  And we prayed for God’s love to shine.  

It didn’t take long for God to begin to answer these prayers. God had bigger and better plans to love people than we could’ve ever imagined.  We created a group called, “Lauren’s Love”.  Our goal and mission with the “Lauren’s Love” group is pretty simple.  It is to trust God and spread love, kindness, and joy to others, just like Lauren did. Through Lauren’s Love, and with God’s love, we have been able to share a lot of love and kindness to people over the past two and a half years.  We collected and donated 180 toys and sent them to two local organizations who were in desperate need of toys.  We sent over 150 shoeboxes to children in need across the world through Operation Christmas Child.  We were able to raise money and set up a scholarship fund at her preschool, so children in need are able to attend the preschool that she loved so much. We adopted and supported two local families at Christmas time by collecting much needed items and toys for them. We raised money that allowed children to attend summer camp and participate in swim lessons at our local YMCA where Lauren swam and camped all the time. We made the decision to allow Lauren to be an organ donor and helped give the gift of life to several children around the country.  And we created a rock painting group that paints and leaves rocks for people to find that have encouraging and loving notes on them. So far thousands of rocks of encouragement and love have been found in all 50 states and over 25 countries. In wanting to share Lauren’s Love with others, God helped us do many amazing things!

Along our journey of loving others with Lauren’s Love, something else began to happen.  We finally started the process of really healing. We finally allowed ourselves to really grieve. We began the process of growing and rebuilding. We realized that helping others and loving others, helped us heal, grieve, and rebuild from the pain of losing Lauren.  Lauren’s Love helped us see past the grief and allowed us to begin to live a life filled with love again. With the help and support of our community, the love of God, and the ability to love others through Lauren’s Love, we are beginning to find joy again in our lives!

Recently, God did something else amazing and loving for us. He blessed us with the greatest gift; one that we weren’t sure we would ever have again after Lauren died.  In January of 2020, we adopted our daughter, Molly!  Today, she is a beautiful, healthy, happy, and loving 7-month-old! For the past two years, we have prayed and hoped that we would have the ability to be parents and love another child again. We knew in our hearts that we still had so much love to give. We also knew that if it was God’s will for us to be parents again, we were going to have to adopt. We knew that if we were going to be parents again, we were going to have to be patient and wait until it was the right time; until it was God’s time for us to adopt. The wait was agonizing, but a year-and-a-half ago, God started to lay the idea of adoption on our hearts. There were many ups and downs throughout our adoption journey.  It was not an easy road to walk, but with faith and trust, God led us to our sweet and precious girl! God turned the ashes of Lauren’s death into true beauty; in a way that only He could. We are so grateful and thankful for Molly; God’s precious gift to us! 

Throughout the past 2 ½ years, we have realized that the more we focused on the “how,” the less the “why” seemed to matter. Like any grieving parent, it was easy for us to be filled with anger and ask the question of “why?”.  But we have also learned to ask another important question.  And that is the question of “how?”.  By asking “how”, God is showing us His love and promises. By asking “how”, God is helping us spread Lauren’s love and His love to so many people.  By asking “how”, God is turning the ashes of this tragedy into true beauty.  By asking “how”, God is showing us that He is sovereign all the time.  And by asking “how”, we are learning how to once again live a life filled with love. 

The path we have walked over the past two years has been brutal and filled with a lot of sorrow.  But it has also shown us how beautiful life is, and that God doesn’t want us stuck in our grief.  As we have begun to live life again, we have learned so much. 

  • We have learned that tragedy and suffering will occur, but God will redeem it and use it to help ourselves and others, if we allow Him to. 
  • While walking this difficult journey, we have seen God’s love for us, for our daughters, and for others shown over and over again. 
  • We have seen others spread love and grow closer in their relationship with Jesus because of this tragedy. 
  • We have learned that we have to rely on God, and his love, in order to get through the tough times.  
  • We have learned that He is always with us, even when it doesn’t feel like it.  
  • We have learned that God is always good, and that He is sovereign, and that He has more love and grace for us than we can ever imagine.
  • We have learned that we all have the ability to love others unconditionally, no matter how old we are. 
  • And we have learned that He wants us to live life, and that life is better when it is filled with love.  

It is all the result of one little girl who chose to love so well and implanted herself into the hearts of so many.  Lauren truly was a special girl. She had an amazing ability to love people and create meaningful relationships. Just one conversation with Lauren, and you were hooked on her with her contagious spirit, love, and passion for others.  She truly made everyone feel like the most important and special person to her.  Her passing has left a massive hole in all of our hearts; one that will never be whole again. But every day we force ourselves to keep moving forward as we love life, love God, and love others because that’s what Lauren would want.  That’s how Lauren would live life.

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Our Story of Hope- Avery Family (Nick)

SCARS

When my son, Nick, was diagnosed with cancer just 3 weeks before his 15th birthday, he needed to have a double hickman central line surgically implanted into a large vein in the middle of his chest.

The line was partially under the skin of Nick’s chest but about 12 inches of it hung on the outside.  Three times a day, every single day, I gave him antibiotics through that line. Every other day I had to take off all the bandages, clean the skin around the line, and replace the old bandages with fresh, clean ones.  The exposed part of the line was then wound up and taped to Nick’s chest under a neat little square of bandage.

In the months to come Nick would also receive blood, platelets, chemotherapy, and fluids through that central line.  It is also the place where he would have blood drawn about every other day.  The central line prevented him from having to be stuck by needles numerous times a day for months on end.

After 6 months, when Nick had finished treatment and was in remission, the central line was pulled…yes, pulled out…and we were sent home.

Nick was doing well. We were so happy to be moving back to our home in Ohio after living for so long at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee where he was treated.

THE ONLY TATTOOS I HAVE ARE SCARS

For 2 ½ months in the summer of 2006, while he was in remission and before he relapsed, Nick enjoyed spending time with his brother and sister and his friends. One day, during those months, he was invited to go swimming.  I sat by the side of the pool that day and watched as Nick dived, swam, and played around in the pool with his shirt on.

A bit later I asked him privately why he didn’t take his shirt off to swim.  He told me that he felt weird because of the big scar right in the center of his chest.  One of our St. Jude friends recently talked about her central line scar and described it, very accurately, as looking like a bullet wound to the chest.

I told Nick that his scar was a badge of honor that marked what he had just been through and that he should never be embarrassed about that.  He didn’t respond but I assume that he was thinking about what I had said because about 5 minutes later he stood up, flung off his shirt, and ran off to cannonball into the pool, making quite a splash!

THE WOUND IS WHERE THE LIGHT SHINES THROUGH

After Nick died, I wanted to know everything I could about where he is, what he’s doing, what it’s like there, what he’s like.  Every good parent wants to know these things about their living children, so why would I stop wondering about these things after my son left for Heaven? My questions sent me on a journey that I am so grateful for because I now live with an eternal perspective that I never would have discovered otherwise.

One of the things that I wondered was if Nick will still have his scar when I see him again.  The automatic, churchy answer is to say “No one will have scars because they have been completely healed.”  That’s a great thought, but is it the truth?

As I searched for the real answer, I found this clue…

In the book of John, there is this great story that took place after Jesus died and then was resurrected.  There was a period of 40 days when He walked around showing Himself to people so that there would be eyewitness accounts that He was still alive.

One day Jesus visited His friends and they were so excited about it that they ran to tell others.

“We have seen the Lord!”

One man, named Thomas, didn’t believe it because he had not seen Jesus with his own eyes.  He told his friends…

“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

He was asking to see Jesus’ scars because they were the identifying marks that made Jesus who He is.

A week later, Jesus showed up again. This time Thomas was in the room.  Jesus walked over and said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

Jesus still has scars!

This was a revolutionary thought to me.  Will we carry the significant scars from this life into the next?  If so, why?

No one chooses to have scars.  They are usually the result of an accident or a surgery.  But think about it…each scar is a part of what make you uniquely who you are. Each scar has its own story to tell.  But while the story usually has to do with illness or injury it is possible to use our scars to make a better story.

I am confident that when I see Nick again we will look at the scar in the middle of his chest and tell stories of our time in Memphis together.  We will marvel at how that scar prepared the way for a shift in the culture at a very well known hospital and set it on a course that would make it the leader in reaching bereaved parents around the globe with support and hope.  That scar represents the beginning of teaching doctors, nurses, psychosocial team members and other support staff around the world how to better help families when they get bad news, when a child is at the end of life, and beyond.

There is a great line from a song that my son, Josh, shared with me during a time when I felt so overburdened by the weight of sickness and death.

“Your scars shine like dark stars.  Yeah, your wounds are where the light shines through.”

Your scars are different than mine.  Different than Nick’s.  Some are visible.  Some are hidden on the inside.  But each carries a story.  Let the light shine through your visible and invisible scars. Find a greater story to live because of them.

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Our Story of Hope- The Warner Family (Taylor)

On November 13th, 2010 our lives changed forever. After attending a gift gathering party for less fortunate children we were rear-ended at a traffic light. The driver’s seat collapsed onto our sweet 17 month old, Taylor Grace, causing severe head trauma. She was put in a helicopter and sent to the hospital where we spent hours asking “Why is this happening?” and “Why would we be punished for donating toys to a good cause?” We just sat by her bed praying for a miracle and that she would somehow wake up. Eventually we realized she had already left and we had to let go. On November 14th she went to be with Jesus. 

There were several questions that continued to run through our minds. I remember Taylor had been a bit of a surprise addition to our family. The two of us were going through some marital struggles and I wasn’t completely excited about adding another child into a less than ideal situation. However, it seemed she was sent to us to help fix our relationship. She was always the sweetest baby with a quiet disposition. She rarely cried, slept through the night almost immediately and was perfectly content playing with her toys while I got things done. Sometimes she’d be sitting in her infant seat patiently waiting for me to chase our oldest around. She never fussed at all. When I’d finally get back to her she’d grin as if to say “you remembered me Mommy” I don’t think anyone ever saw her without a smile on her face. I had nicknamed her our “angel baby” little did we know that’s exactly what she was.  After we lost her I remember asking repeatedly, “why did you send us an unexpected baby just to take her back?” It wasn’t until months later that I realized her presence had a profound impact on our relationship and her loss forced us to depend on one another to keep going. We definitely had our struggles but in the end she brought us closer together. 

The week and months after were a challenge. Our 4 year old son, Jack, struggled the most with the loss of his best friend and reliving the trauma of the accident itself. For several months he wouldn’t speak about her at all, only watched videos on my phone. He spent hours with our family priest and play therapists working through his PTSD. I remember one day he had a breakthrough and finally said out loud with tears running down his face, “they put her in the helicopter and I never got to tell her goodbye” We remember feeling terrible because we debated whether to take him into the PICU to see her. We decided we didn’t want his memories to include her bruised and unconscious, only playing and happy. A few days later he came downstairs and told me “Taylor came to me in my sleep and told me goodbye.” It seemed to heal his broken heart a little but to this day, he’s almost 12, he still struggles with the loss. We’re so thankful he survived that terrible accident but a piece of him died with his sister. We’ve had a constant battle with people who don’t understand how PTSD works in a child. We spent years trying to find him the perfect fit for school and social environments and he’s finally moving forward in a positive manner.

Almost exactly one year after the accident we were blessed with another baby boy, Rylan Taylor. We truly believe he was sent to us around the anniversary to give us time to process the grief of a year passing but also distract us from the pain. We had a Mass said in Taylor’s honor and the following week we had a beautiful addition sent to us from Heaven. He’s wise beyond his years, definitely an old soul, and people have said he must’ve gotten his own brain plus the smarts that Taylor passed onto him that she wouldn’t need anymore. He always knows when one of us needs a cuddle or a funny comment to cheer us up. He was definitely sent at the perfect time for our wounded family.

As Rylan was nearing his second birthday we found out we were expecting yet another baby boy. I’ll be honest when I say that I was a bit heartbroken at finishing out our family with 3 boys and an angel baby girl in Heaven. I wanted another little one to dress in pink and spoil rotten to fill the void that we had from Taylor. I really wanted that close mother-daughter relationship that my mom and I share. However, things would soon change for our family again. At my 20 wk ultrasound we discovered there was no longer a heartbeat in our precious Patrick James. Another tragic event led to more struggles for our family. I remember posting on Facebook that our sweet baby boy had gone to play with his big sister. There was some comfort in knowing he already had someone to take care of him but we were still angry that God would allow us more heartbreak. This time our priest was no longer available to help work through the grief. We had to depend on one another and our faith in God to see us through. We knew there was a reason we lost yet another precious gift but didn’t know what it was at the time. 

Just a few months later we received our answer. We were expecting again, this time a baby girl. It seems that God also had a plan for our family. He didn’t think we were emotionally ready to add pink back into the family. We were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Finley Joy, in March of 2015. Finley is the exact opposite of Taylor in every way. She’s much more demanding and her physical features are completely different. It’s been amazing watching her grow these past 3 and a half years but there are definitely moments when we look at her and think of the things Taylor missed out on. We often wonder if Taylor would’ve been as obsessed with princesses, pink and all things girly.

We knew we wanted to do something to honor our sweet babies in Heaven but struggled with emotions of opening old wounds. After several years we decided to look into the dangers of Seat Back Failure on back seat passengers, the official cause of death for Taylor. We discovered it’s unfortunately very common and made it our mission to fight for change in government standards to prevent this from happening to another child. We’re still fighting today but have Hope that things will change in the near future. We’ve run several news stories and have many government officials fighting with us to require auto makers to fix their seats and lessen the chance for them to collapse on rear impact. 

We felt that fighting for change with Seat Back Failure was definitely an important mission but we were still looking for another way to honor our babies. That’s when we found Hope Family Care Ministries. Their mission to help other families who are drowning in grief at the loss of their child spoke to us. Our son has really struggled with the loss of both siblings and through Hope he’s starting to see things differently. He no longer feels “singled out” as the only person who has lost a sibling. Now that we were in a place we could discuss our pain with others we wanted to join forces with them and help others who are experiencing similar loss.

The Hope Kids Bags really touched our hearts because everything our son received after the accident is still nearby at all times. He cherishes the gifts he has in remembrance of Taylor and wanted to contribute to others in a similar way. There are nights when I’ll see him cuddling a stuffed animal or reading a book he received almost 8 years ago to connect him with his sister. Our younger children will never know their big sister but they also feel her presence every day. We created an art room in the basement for our middle child. It’s in the same space that we keep Taylor’s possessions and he finds comfort in going downstairs to color or paint and know his sister is with him. Our daughter still isn’t quite old enough to really understand but she knows she has a sister in Heaven and she gets to wear some of her clothes and play with some of her toys. It’s our way of connecting the two girls with one another. We never want our children to lose Hope in the face of grief and struggle so we do our best to keep them connected with the memory of their sister to the best of our abilities. We hope that by sharing our story we can help others find Hope in their own painful stories.

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Our Story of Hope- Whitaker Family (Samuel)

It has taken me a long time to write this… almost 2 years actually, from the day that our son Samuel Gene Whitaker was born and then went to be with his Father in heaven less than an hour later.

I imagine everyone has days in life that you can remember vividly.  I can recall with pretty amazing accuracy, especially for someone who doesn’t have a great memory, 7/10, 1/19, 10/19, and 6/26 – the birthdays of our children – George, Olivia, Samuel, and Annie.  I can tell you what time we went to the hospital, the major details of the births, how much the kids weighed, who came to see us, how bad the food was.  I remember almost every last detail of Samuel’s birth.  Jessica was 32 weeks pregnant, and woke me up at 2am to tell me she had been having contractions for hours. She had been praying that they would stop. She was not ready for him to come yet.  Rushing to the hospital to deliver our son, and knowing that unless God saw fit to change things, Samuel was mostly likely going to be stillborn.  Praying so fervently while they hurriedly prepared her for a C-section – for Jessica, for Samuel, for our family, for God’s will to be done in all of this.  I remember looking into Jessica’s eyes as they pulled Samuel out, and we heard his soft little cry; they gave him to us, and we were able to see him open his eyes.  We held him and told him how much we loved him for just a short while before he passed away and went to our Father’s house in heaven.  I know that he is there, but it still hurts every day. 

Well before we planned to get pregnant; either shortly after we got married, or maybe even before were married, Jessica and I talked about having kids.  We talked about names, character traits and behaviors, we joked about what we might want to pass on or not pass on to our children.  Just normal stuff, that I imagine most couples do.  We also discussed and agreed, without any debate or hesitation, that if there was ever anything deemed out of the ordinary with any of our kids while Jessica was pregnant, it would change nothing about how we felt about the pregnancy or the baby.  We always had the mindset that God had given us that baby for a reason, and we were going to care for it as best we could, for as long as He allowed us.  

We had George in Tyler, TX in 2012, and moved briefly, to the Fort Worth area for a job soon after. We moved again, to Spring, TX in the summer of 2013, after I accepted a job at Oak Ridge High School as an Athletic Trainer.  It was a great opportunity for me to work in a great school, with great people.  It was also a homecoming for me as well, as my family still lives in the area.  I was considering a career change, but that was put on hold when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia;  she arrived in early 2015.  We decided not too long after that we needed to buckle down and find a church home, the second church we attended in the area was Oak Ridge Baptist Church.  Immediately we felt welcomed, and at home.  Every lesson and message we heard spoke directly to us.  We found out at this point that we were pregnant again. Not coincidentally, we also felt led to join ORBC.  As a part of the membership process, our pastor meets with everyone that wants to join the church.  I remember before the meeting we were about six weeks pregnant, I really wanted to bring it up during the meeting, but did not.  

At the end of the 2016 school year, pregnant and all, we decided that I would leave my career of 15 years, and open a CrossFit gym that I would run full time.  Up until this point Jessica’s pregnancy had been normal. At her 16 week ultrasound the doctor was not in the office that morning; we did not think anything was out of the ordinary.  Jessica went about her day at work, and I went to the school, to resign my position.  In the middle of my telling the Athletic Director I would not be returning, my phone rang.  I silenced it, and continued.  After the meeting and fresh out of a job, I checked the voicemail to hear Jessica’s doctor telling us that we needed to call him on his cell phone as soon as possible.  We found out that our baby’s bladder and kidneys looked distended (full of fluid), and that he was going to refer us to a  Maternal Fetal Specialist for some better imaging and a course of action.  We were worried, to say the least, we had no idea what to expect, but from the tone of Jessica’s doctor, it was not a good situation.

The following week, we met with the specialist.  She did the ultrasound to confirm what our doctor had seen. The doctor gave us the news that we needed to see a Fetal Specialist in downtown Houston. He was one of the best doctors in the field, and might be able to place a shunt in our baby’s bladder to drain the fluid, and help his kidneys.  She cried with us while she explained what was going on.  She prayed with us before we left her office.

A few days later we went to our appointment at our Fetal Specialist office. The ultrasound seemed to take a week.  First the tech performed the scan. Then the doctor and his medical student performed the scan again. When finished the doctor asked that we meet in the office across the hall.  We knew things were serious. He sat us down told us that there was nothing we could do for our baby boy. His urethra was completely blocked causing fluid not to drain and form amniotic fluid around him, but instead to back up into his kidneys. More than having a kidney problem, the lack of fluid around our baby would make it impossible for his lungs to develop correctly.  He told us there was a high likelihood that our baby would die in utero or be stillborn, but if he wasn’t he would not live long after birth. He gave us the option of terminating the pregnancy, which from the beginning, not an option for us. As hard as it was to hear that news, we already loved our baby boy and chose to carry him until God was ready for him.  We named him Samuel on the drive home. 

How do you tell people that you are pregnant, but that when your baby is born he will die?  Grief is not something people like to discuss, or confront.  We all avoid it.  Those were some hard conversations, we got a lot of prayers, support, and love from so many people. Sadly, Jessica also received a lot of negative feedback as well.  Our family cried with us and supported us, our church prayed over us continually, friends threw Jessica a ‘Prayer Shower’, and the members of our growing gym supported us daily.  We chose to love Samuel in the time that we had with him.  We created a ‘Bucket List’ of activities and outings George and Olivia would have wanted to do with Samuel, we did those things with him while Jessica was pregnant.  We hope that some of those memories last for them.  We will always remind them of those memories.

Our story with Samuel is so remarkable.  It’s a story of how God’s timing and plan is so perfect, that he put us in a place and at a certain time for his purpose. Even if we were totally unaware of it.  In hindsight, I see His hand in everything in our life, but especially when it comes to Samuel. I recognize Him in the those everyday moments, things, and people that were placed in our lives.  I am so thankful.

Samuel’s short life has impacted so many people already, probably more than we know about. It has restored their faith, and given them hope.  We pray that our lives, and going through what we’ve gone through, will help someone else.

We have been so blessed.  We are so thankful, even in the midst of sorrow and grief.  

We are blessed by our son George, blessed by our daughter Olivia, blessed by our son Samuel, and blessed by the newest addition to our home – Annie.  We are blessed that the Lord has put us in this place, at this time, for his purpose with our lives.  Blessed that we have so many family, friends, a church, and others that care so much for us.

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. -Deuteronomy 31:6

 

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Our Story of Hope- Graham Family (Emma)

On September  23, 2017 our lives changes forever. This is the day I had to say goodbye to Emma here on earth. 

Our story began on January 21, 2017 when we got the positive two pink lines. My heat was filled with joy thanking God for our little blessing. After our first trimester I was getting so excited to think in six months I would get to meet our daughter in person. Every night before bed I would tell her how much I love her. A few more months passed then I was in the third trimester. I for sure thought “this is it, we’re going to be able to have our little girl”. Emma’s room was all set up and ready to go. I would sit in her room and think “gosh, she definitely going to be a girly girl with all of this pink.” Life was wonderful just thinking about adding a baby to our life. So many nights I thought “Wow! God made this beautiful creation through us.”  I would stay up at night wondering what she would look like? I knew if she was anything like her daddy she would have a heart of gold. With a few weeks left I was getting even more excited to meet her. Little did I know, Sept 21, 2017 would be the last time I would hear her heat beating. I was scheduled to be induced on Sept 25th. The next day I spent at home waiting for my husband to get home to go have dinner. I felt a few mild cramps but I didn’t think anything of it with me being so close to my delivery date. Later that night after dinner I was almost ready for bed thinking how I really haven’t felt Emma move much that day. My husband decided to grab the fetal doppler to listen to her heart. We tried for about five minutes. At this point I was still thinking “I am sure she is okay I heard her heart beat yesterday and everything sounded normal.” We decided to go to the hospital just to make sure everything was okay. I remember pulling up to the hospital parking lot. My husband and I wanted to pray over Emma before we walked in. I remember going into a room so a nurse could check me.  The nurse kept asking all kinds of questions. Finally, a Doctor came in and did an ultra sound and I had no idea what she was about to say next would change our lives. I will never forget the moment the doctor told me Emma had no hear beat.  At this moment my heat felt like it stopped beating. I wanted to scream “No this is a lie.” I just heard a healthy heart beat yesterday. The doctor stepped out of the room to give my husband and I some privacy time to grieve. All we could do at that moment was pray for our daughter. My heart was racing and my blood pressure spiked way high. Doctors were concerned for the safety of my life. All I could do at that moment was cry. 

The Doctors decided to start the labor process. I remember my family walking in the room I felt like I had failed everyone.  I was suppose to be bringing a baby home for my family to spoil and love her. My sister Ashley I felt like was so close to her even though she never met her. All my family was there to help us grieve.  All the next day on Saturday I was in and out of pain. A lot of it was a blur until about 9 pm the nurse said it was time to push.  At that point in time I thought God please let the doctors be wrong about Emma. Give us a miracle. At 9:35pm she was born I wished so bad to hear her cry. They gave her to me to hold she was as beautiful as I dreamed. The nurse took Emma to get cleaned up and she brought her back to us in a beautiful white dress with a pink and white bracelet with her name on it. My family got to spend time with her holding and remembering all the beautiful things about her. After an hour into it she started to feel cold. I wrapped her up with the blanket. The Nurse gave us the options for her to stay in the room with us. The next day it was Sunday. I knew it was a matter of time before the nurse would take her back. I remember holding her telling her how much I love her. We said our goodbyes.

The next day, Monday, it was time to go home. I dreaded going to an empty nursury.  I would go in her room every night and talk with God, and ask Him so many question on WHY did this happen to me? I felt so angry at Him for allowing this to happen.  I felt so alone even with my husband and my family were there for me. I felt so lost. How was I going to tell people what had happened to our daughter? It’s almost been a year, there is not one day that goes by I don’t think of her. What would she look like now? Would she be taking her first steps? Would she be making her first sounds and saying mama or dada?  

So many people don’t know what to say when you lose a child. My husband and I were eating for our anniversary. The waiter was talking with us and he asked us how many years we’d been married, which Is common to ask someone when it’s their anniversary. But I knew the next question he was going to ask us was “How many kids do you have?” I’m so proud to tell everyone I have a daughter in Heaven. Well his reaction was so different from most. He asked me what her name was? This brought so much joy in my heart.  All moms want to do is honor their baby when they can. I plan to honor her for the rest of my life until I see her beautiful face again. 

In the beginning I was sure I would never recover from this struggle, but, God has really taught me, that He is still good through it all. Moments and days still come when my breath leaves me because my arms want to be wrapped around my daughter, but I find comfort in knowing that because He lives, so does Emma, and we will meet in eternity one glorious day! I will never be the same, nor do I want to be. A perfect piece of me is in Heaven. 

Forever in our hearts- Emma Leigh Graham 9-23-2017