10 Things Kids Need After Losing A Sibling

1. Kids need the grief process normalized; it does not be a secret or strange to feel sad. Let them know it is normal to have tear-filled eyes ready to overflow in a moments notice. It’s also normal to not cry too! Everyone grieves differently; that is ok!
2. Kids need to know that death is a part of life. Click HERE to read about how to talk to your child about death and dying. There are also tons of great books to read with your kids to help you discuss death in a kid-friendly yet hopeful way. Click HERE to find those resources.
3. Kids need adults to be honest. Losing a loved one can be scary and raise many questions for kids. Allow them to ask questions and answer them truthfully. If you don’t know the answer to a question, then let them know you don’t know. It’s more important to be honest with them at that point in time, than to make up an answer they later find out is not true.  It is much better for kids to hear honest answers from their parents than from overheard conversations, their friends, the news, or others. Show your child that YOU are the safe person to go to with their fears. Some details do not need to be told to them, however, as they get older and want to know more, you do need to be honest with your children.
4. Kids need adults to answer their questions. (As mentioned above) it is very critical that children ask questions, as this can help with both trust and irrational fear. Your children need to be able to trust that you will be honest with them. They also need to be able to ask questions to help guide their concern or fear about dying and death- as related to themselves or another loved one.
5. Kids need adults not to delay telling them about a death. While this may not seem like a big deal, it is a very big deal to a child. They need to be some of the first ones to know when a sibling passes away. It is critical that they hear it from their parents as not to feel like their are secrets being kept from them. It can be very hurtful and extra alarming for a child to find out about losing a sibling from someone other than their parents.
6. Kids need adults to recognize their fears and validate them. Listen to your child’s fears and let them know that you understand why or how they feel that way. Let them know it is ‘normal’ to feel afraid at times, but also challenge them to do hard things and help them to celebrate those moments. As children watch their parents do hard things and acknowledge them, it will also help their child to feel safer to challenge themselves as well. Example: If your child’s fear is to swim after losing a sibling to a drowning, explain to them that you completely understand how it could be scary for them, but that swimming doesn’t need to be scary. Validate them, reassure them, and then help them conquer their fear. 
7. Kids need to see adults grieve. Let your kids know that they will see you cry but that you will be ok. Let them know that you cry because your heart is sad and missing their sibling. Preparing them to see you sad or upset can take the fear out of seeing their parent crying. Seeing their parent cry and grieve reassures them that they are not alone in their feelings of sadness/grief.
8. Kids need a supportive environment where they can be themselves to honestly express their grief feelings and experiences without being judged or told they should change. Think about where you have the best conversations with your child- over a meal, in the car, while playing a game, etc. Creating that supportive environment allows them to open up and share what is on their hearts.
9. Kids need guidance in how to cherish the memories they had with their sibling. Together as a family decide what days you will now declare ‘family days’ for your family- their birthday, Heaven Day, due date, etc. Guard those days as a family and plan something FUN and special for your family to do on those difficult and painful days. Include your children in these days and the planning of them. Ask your child what they would like to keep or make to remember their sibling some ideas might include- a blanket of their siblings clothing, a teddy bear make out of their clothing or baby blanket, hanging a favorite picture of them in their bedroom, sleeping with on of their toys or stuffed animals, wearing a necklace with their picture, etc. Click HERE to find printable (at the bottom of the page) that you can complete with your child and send up on balloons or leave at the cemetery.
10. Kids need to go back into routine as quickly as possible. Kids thrive with routine and schedule. Routine provides them with a sense of security and normalcy. These are two things that lost almost instantly when a child loses a sibling. Strive to keep your child on the same schedule/routine as before the loss of their sibling. Bedtimes, mealtimes, snack times, play times- these can go a long way in helping repair your child’s loss of security and normalcy amidst a loss.

Note to Parents- Helping your children through the loss of a sibling may feel impossible when you are walking in the grief of losing your child yourself. However, it all begins with a shift in perspective. Your other children will be a GIFT in helping you through this deep grief! They are exactly what God wants to use to show you that you CAN get up each day and keep going even when it seems impossible. If you challenge yourself to view them this way, it will feel less annoying or nagging when they need you or your attention when you just want to sit and stare out the window. Challenge yourself to be grateful for the little joys they bring to your day, the ways they encourage your heart, and how lucky you are to have other children to cuddle during this time. 

After looking at the list of 10 Things Kids Need After Losing a Sibling, be honest with yourself. Which ones can you not offer right now? Which ones feel impossible? Then make a list of those things and ASK FOR HELP! There are most likely people calling, texting, and stopping by to ask how they can help. Let them help you and your kids! For example: Maybe your life feels like a giant tornado and everything is spinning around right now. That is probably how your kids feel too. Let someone help your kids begin establishing a ‘new routine’. Maybe it’s asking grandparents to take them to ice cream and let the kids ask questions or answer questions about how they are feeling. Accept help; and let others love on your kids; but make sure you are taking time to do the same! They NEED you, and need to know ‘things will be ok, and we will keep going’. They are looking for your lead…

Note to Grandparents & Friends: It is good to ask ‘How Can I Help?’ but also ask, ‘Can I _____ for you?’ Sometimes the parents are going to feel so overwhelmed that they don’t even know where to begin asking for help. Do not assume they want their kids to go somewhere; always ask.

Here are ways you can be a blessing to the other children and give them special attention:

• play a game
• take them for ice cream
• color with them
• go to the park
• let them initiate discussion on their sibling who passed away
• take them shopping for an outfit for the funeral
• help them make someone special for their sibling who passed away
• take them out to lunch
• take them bowling