For 1,126 days we desperately prayed for the Lord to bless us with a baby. We tried countless fertility medications, treatments, and procedures, 3 failed IUIs and 1 round of IVF. Praise the Lord, IVF worked the first round and we were blessed to be pregnant with not one, but two precious miracles. We were so excited when we found out we were having a boy, Rylan Kyle, and a girl, Sydney Kate. I had textbook IVF where everything went perfectly and the pregnancy, for the first 20 weeks, was amazing with only a few very minor bumps in the road. At 20 weeks and 3 days, my water broke very unexpectedly for Baby A (Rylan) and our lives were turned upside down. We were so unsure what our journey was going to look like from that point forward, but we knew no matter what, we were going to give the glory to God.

We decided from the beginning of our fertility journey that we were going to be transparent through the process and open up about our struggles in hopes that it would bring awareness to an often secretive and taboo topic. We also wanted to bring hope to those going through similar trials and assure them that they were not alone. We shared videos of my husband, Garrett, giving me injections, and kept everyone updated throughout the entire process. Shortly after we found out that IVF worked, we announced we were pregnant. We did not want to wait the typical 12 weeks due to being so open throughout the process.  When my water broke, we decided to continue the transparency and update people often about the #JourneyToAdkinsBabies because this was a part of our story and we could use all the prayers we could get.

Unfortunately, at 23 weeks and 2 days, on December 28, 2017, my contractions were not able to be stopped despite every attempt possible, and my doctor told us I would for sure deliver Rylan but he was hoping he could hold off on delivering Sydney Kate until a later date. When they came in to give me the epidural, I began to have to push and it was too late to receive the medication. I was terrified. Terrified because it was way too early and I knew at 23 weeks they had just barely crossed the threshold to “viability” and the chances of survival were still slim, and terrified because I was not mentally ready to deliver. As silly as it sounds, I had not read all the books yet, taken the birthing classes, or developed my birth plan. It was not time for any of those things, and yet here I was being rushed into the operating room to deliver. It only took two pushes and my sweet baby boy came into the world. They held him up for us to see his beautiful face. He was so extremely tiny but so extremely perfect. When they checked Sydney Kate’s position, she had flipped due to having extra room after I delivered Rylan and was coming out feet first so I had to be put to sleep for an emergency c section. When I came to after being put to sleep, I immediately began asking about my babies. How were they? Were they stable? How much did they weigh? When could I see them? The moment I saw my babies for the first time was the greatest moment of my entire life. They were so tiny and had so many things attached to them, but so completely perfect. Rylan weighed 1 pound 8 ounces and Sydney Kate weighed 1 pound and 4 ounces.  Even though they were born so early, they had everything they needed. Beautiful long eyelashes, full lips and tiny fingernails. Our major concern was lung development for both babies but especially Rylan, since he had not had amniotic fluid for 3 weeks. We were so hopeful that the Lord would hear our desperate prayers and the prayers of all those around us and heal our babies. But we knew that no matter what the circumstances were or the outcome, He was still good. And we would continue to give Him all the glory and praise.

Unfortunately, Rylan’s lungs were not developed enough and he went to be with Jesus 7 hours after delivery. The NICU was so amazing and allowed us to hold our baby so our family could pray over him and love on him while he transitioned from this world into the arms of Jesus. During that time that we held our perfect baby boy, time stood still. Nothing else in the world mattered except for loving on our baby boy and holding onto hope that our baby girl would be okay.

Rylan

Sydney Kate fought so very hard for 5 days but her little body was tired and on January 2, 2018, she joined her brother in heaven. Again, we held our baby girl and prayed over her and loved on her while she transitioned from this world into the arms of Jesus. And again, time stood still. But we chose to still believe that He was still good. I remained in a fog for the next few days, running on very limited sleep and lots of love and prayers from those around us. My friends and family remained strong while I felt that I couldn’t.

Sydney Kate

I continued to share our journey online and to give the glory to God for our precious miracles and the brief but powerful time we shared with them. I shared my broken heart but left out the messy. If you are a grieving mama, then you know exactly what I am talking about. The not so pleasant thoughts, the anger and bitterness, crying so hard that you get physically sick and cannot breathe. When reality set in, the devil tried to interfere and I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare. How on earth was I going to function when I had to give both my babies back that were so longed for? How was I going to go home to an empty house with a nursery that was ready for two healthy babies? And how was the world continuing for everyone else while ours had completely stopped? The constant reminder of pain my body was in from delivering both ways for babies I didn’t get to keep, milk that kept flowing for babies I did not have to feed, and a nursery awaiting babies that would never come home, almost became too much. I felt broken. Physically and emotionally, I was more broken than I had ever been or even imagined possible. But thank God that is not how my story ends.

I awoke figuratively and literally the day before the funeral with such a sense of peace. I had dreamed the night before that the last voices our babies heard were ours praying over them, and the first face they saw was our Lord and Savior. At 23 weeks, our babies eyes were still fused shut and would not open for a little while, and I believe the Lord was sending me a message of peace through my sleep. I needed that message so desperately. To have peace to cling to and then it began to awake me to realize that I had so very much to be thankful for. Many mamas do not have the luxury to hold their babies at all, to see who they looked like, to kiss them, or to etch their every detail into their memory. While I was only able to love on my babies very briefly, I find such comfort in knowing that they knew our touch, our scent, our voices, but the first face the saw, was the face of Jesus. And their first steps are on streets of gold. And they will be there waiting on us when we are called Home.

In a few days it will be two months since I delivered the most beautiful and perfect babies and experienced a love that is completely indescribable. While the pain we experienced having to bury both of our babies was the worst thing we have ever had to face, I know that this was of no surprise to the Lord. And He did not forsake us. In fact, I believe He was there alongside us, weeping with us. During the past two months I have been on maternity leave and had a lot of time to heal physically and emotionally. While I experienced the darkest moments of my life after I lost both of our twins, the Lord did not leave me there. He was able to handle my outbursts of anger and despair and love me through it. And help me to see that they served their purpose and helped touch thousands of lives throughout our #JourneyToAdkinsBabies on social media.

Throughout every emotion I have faced since our loss, I have always clung to hope. Hope that the Lord would heal our broken hearts, hope that we would see Rylan and Sydney Kate again, hope to feel joy again, and hope that we would eventually be blessed with earthly babies in His timing. During this time, I have grown so much closer to the Lord. I have clung to scriptures and dug in the Word more than I have before. I listen to Christian music constantly to fill my extra moments with songs of praise. I have grown closer to my husband in ways I never thought possible. I have read inspirational books written by grieving mamas. I have reached out to other grieving mamas because unfortunately, they completely understand and can offer insight as to how to navigate these unfamiliar waters. I have started counseling where my therapist encourages “leaning into the pain” which I find to be very helpful. I have entered their nursery and have began writing their story as a way of healing for me and also to help preserve every detail of their beautiful lives. Taking it day by day and feeling a little bit stronger each day. Without faith, hope and love, I don’t know where I would be. I have needed all three of those things desperately to get through each day. And I know that those three things have helped bring so much healing to my mama heart and will continue to do so each and everyday.We will forever be grateful for the time we had with him, even though selfishly a lifetime on earth would still not have been enough. But eternity with them praising our Lord and Savior is more than enough. And until then, we will continue to praise the Lord.

Because even through it all, He is still good.