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Our Story of Hope- Impey Family (Stevie)

It had been a perfect Mother’s Day weekend. Our family had gone out of town, with a large group of close family friends, several with young children. The weather was unseasonably warm for Washington State, so we swam all afternoon on Sunday before heading home. It wasn’t surprising that our 2 young boys, 2 ½ yr. old Stevie and his 11-month old brother, Matthew slept the entire 3 hr. trip home! I worried the boys might not want to go to bed when we returned that Sunday night. I was 7 months pregnant with Drew and was ready for a good night’s sleep in my own bed. It’s a memory I will always cherish.

Monday morning, Stevie awoke cranky, not his usual content disposition. Both boys had a cough and a runny nose, but nothing concerning. On Tuesday, Stevie’s cold turned into flu-like symptoms and his demeanor began to worsen. He eventually grew listless, so both my husband and I felt we needed to take him to the E.R.

It was decided Bill would take Stevie, and I would stay at home with Matthew. I became anxious when I didn’t hear anything for several hours. Then, around 2:00 AM on Tuesday, the phone rang. I was alarmed that is wasn’t Bill on the line, but a nurse: “Hello, is this Leah Impey? We think your son has something wrong with his heart. Can you come to the hospital now?” 

By the time I reached the hospital, the Pediatric Cardiologist told us that Stevie was fighting some kind of an infection that was affecting his heart. They said “He is a very, very sick little boy. We are doing everything we know to do, but don’t know if he will make it through the night. His heart is being attacked, and is already half-dead. If he survives, he will need a heart transplant, and will not be able to live a normal life.” I can remember the horror and total disbelief what we were hearing. Fear gripped my body and soul in a way that’s indescribable. 

Since you are reading this story, you probably know the outcome. Stevie did not survive. By Thursday evening, our precious Stevie had lost the battle against a virus. I could share the part of our story where we felt like we might be losing our mind, and all the stages of grief we experienced, which certainly has value. Yet, I feel compelled to focus on the parts that helped us to keep breathing and living.

One memory that is crystal clear was on the first morning after we arrived at the hospital. Family and friends began arriving to offer support. We all gathered in a waiting room for prayer. My Dad made a statement before he prayed. It went straight into my heart and has guided me many times since: “We will not look to our circumstances, but to God.” I began to ponder the profoundness of that statement. That single sentence was absolutely pivotal. In one moment, the terrible, dark fear vanished. I had always known that the presence of God was always with me, but as I “looked to God”, I became aware of it. I “felt” the Peace that passes all understanding wash over me like a warm shower. I could breathe normally!

Don’t get me wrong. I was still very much in the middle of the most traumatic experience of my life. Both my husband and I were desperate for our son to live. Yet, somehow the Peace never left. 

There were lots of tears as we talked, prayed and waited to see if he could just hold out against this infection. I can remember sitting on the floor in the waiting room the second day, saying to some family members, “If God chooses that Stevie is not to be healed, I want to ask God for 2 things: 

  1. You are going to have to make me O.K. because I don’t know how I will ever live. I will never be O.K. if he dies! I think I will die too. Please, will you do this for me? 
  2. I want to make sure that we will have opportunities to talk to people about the Lord because of this tragedy. If you take Stevie home to Heaven, I need you to give us opportunities that last for as long as we are here on this earth. I can’t bear to be separated from him if there isn’t an on-going, redeemable value. I know suffering is never in vain in God’s economy. If you will allow us to make a difference for eternity, then that will make the separation more bearable. After all, God gave up his Son for the sake of the world, how could I not be willing to trust God with our son too?”

God honored me by answering those prayer requests in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I already believed that God is never surprised by events the way we are. In other words, He is all-knowing (Omniscient). I also believed God is never constrained by time the way humans are. Simply put, He is eternal. 

God displayed these two great attributes of Himself in a powerful way. Not being constrained by time, and by knowing all things, God had been providentially preparing me for a future He knew was coming my way. During those dark hours of worry and fear, He was gently aligning my heart with His. 

To say it simply, He walked with me “through the valley of the shadow death.” God gave me His eternal view of life, which included Stevie’s life. He impressed upon me that even if Stevie dies, yet will he live. God helped me to really believe this deep in my heart not just in my head. I knew that Stevie would still be alive in God’s heaven. This began to help me be O.K. if he died. This is how God comforted me. He was preparing me for my future, preparing me to live and die too. He answered this prayer by doing this for me. 

God honored my other prayer request by giving my husband and I opportunities to talk to other moms, dad who had suffered the death of a child. But we’ve also been able to minister to many people in various struggles as a direct result of Stevie’s death for over two decades. He was giving us a purpose, which is to bring hope to others who suffer. In doing this, we have found healing and have joy in our hearts. I cannot imagine how we could have healed and live, without God’s promises!

Just like you, we both still hate being separated from our Stevie. Yet, God has used our tragedy in so many redeeming ways, that we see are making a difference for eternity. This has made the separation more bearable. God has healed our broken hearts. 

For us, 25 years have passed. A couple of months after Stevie went to heaven our boy Matthew got to meet his newborn brother Andrew. Then came Claire, followed by Samuel. Now our 4 wonderful children are fully grown. Recently, our family grew again as we welcomed Jessica, our first daughter-in-law, into our family. 

Leah, Bill, Samuel, Claire, her boyfriend Hunter, Drew

Our new daughter-in-law Jess and son Matt

God answered my two prayers, and over the years He has answered so many more of our prayers regarding our children. God desires to answer your prayers as well. He also desires that you experience His presence in your time of loss. God has healed our broken hearts and He will heal yours too, simply by turning to and trusting Him. His comfort and presence are a divine gift to anyone who asks for it and receives it. 

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Talking About Death & Dying with Kids

I had really never talked about death/dying with our 3 and 5 year old much before their sister passed away. An occasional reference to Heaven, was really all that had come up in conversation. For young kids, it seemed like a topic that ‘we’ll get to when they’re older’. However, it doesn’t always work out that way. For many families, death comes knocking on when you least expect it, and that can be a scary thing to think about.

Two weeks before Zoe passed away, our boys had been talking about Heaven in Sunday School. I remember driving home from church with Zoe in the car with us, as our boys proceeded to tell us all about Heaven. They described learning about how there were rooms that God was preparing for us in a big big house. That when our rooms were ready we got to go to His big big house. How we all had ‘jobs’ to do here on earth, and when our jobs here were finished then we got to go see Jesus.

Ten days later, they would encounter Heaven in a very personal way.

As our boys sat in our living room, alongside two of our pastors, we had to remind them of what they had just learned about Heaven, and how it now directly related to our family.

‘Remember how you learned about how God is preparing rooms for us in Heaven, well today Zoe’s room was ready. She got to go see Jesus today. Her ‘job’ here was done.’

Their eyes got teary, all of our hearts sank, and our new reality began…

However, for our family, Heaven took on a whole new meaning in our hearts. Unfortunately, before losing Zoe, we were all very comfortable with our lives here, together; maybe even a little too comfortable. This Earth was clearly our home. Now having our sister/daughter in Heaven made us all yearn for Heaven in a whole new way. We had countless conversations about what Heaven would be like, would Zoe stay little, could she see us, could she fly, did she have dinosaurs (remember we had two little boys) as pets, did she still have to wear a diaper, and many more.

On Zoe’s first birthday, we began a fun tradition of talking about what we imagined her birthday to be like in Heaven. Now clearly we don’t know if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, but for our little boys it connected them with their sister in such a special way. They would talk about what colors she’d pick, what theme she would like, what type of cake she would want, who would go to her party, what foods she would eat, etc. Then we would make a similar cake/cupcakes and send up ‘birthday cards/notes’ to her on balloons.

We began to realize that when we focused on the Hope of Heaven as a family, the sting of death became less breath-taking.

Fast forward four years later, and our boys are still talking about Heaven with the same vigor and passion they did when Zoe first left. After a conversation I had recently, I was reminded that not everyone talks about Heaven and dying with their kids as openly as we do. I do not fault them for that, as I realize there can be a lot of fear that can accompany such discussion. However, as we approach the subject of death and dying with the Hope of Heaven fear can be erased!

Heaven is an integral part of what Christians believe. It’s our future! As Christ-followers, it’s to be our permanent home! Randy Alcorn in his book Heaven for Kids, discusses the topic of moving to a new city. When we are going to move, what is the first thing we do? We research. We go online and look for what our new city will be like. We read to find out where we might want to live, etc. We spend time learning about our new home; and our excitement builds and builds. While we may be sad to leave our old home, friends, town, etc, the Hope of our New Home is so great that the fears begin to dissipate. Satan wants Heaven to be scary and seem down right boring, but as we read what scripture promises us about our New Home, we begin to become excited and want to invite everyone we know to move there with us! It’s going to be the greatest place to live!

So how do we help our kids when death knocks on our family’s door whether it be a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, or a friend? We give them the GIFT OF HOPE… Hope of Heaven. We teach them about what awaits them when their ‘room is ready’ and their ‘job here on earth is complete’.

Click HERE to find a list of books to keep the conversation of Heaven going in your home! 

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I Will Answer

“Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.” Isaiah 65:24

I have shared bits and pieces of God’s goodness and how God answered before we called. One day, I’d love to write our story- day by day- to show the physicality of God when many would find it hard to see him. But sometimes, when we don’t think we see him, that’s where He shines the brightest.

Click HERE to continue reading…

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But I Prayed for Protection

Since the day I became a mother, I prayed a simple prayer, “Lord, please protect my children; please protect their lives, hearts, and minds.”

I can’t tell you how many times since The Accident I have questioned our Lord as to WHY he did not answer this prayer. For the last four months, I have consistently asked:

  • Why did you not protect her from The Accident?
  • Why didn’t you save her?
  • Why, Lord?
  • Why?!

Each time I sit to write, I have continued to try to make sense of my life and the questions that scream for answers. Yet, I have always been left with the deafening silence of loss.

Until last week…

For the first time since The  Accident, God whispered the answer to the questions that were running through my mind. It was, to me, the answer I’ve been waiting for. I still get tears in my eyes, chills up and down my body, and comfort in my heart when I think of the sweet whisper from our Father. Looking back to my journal entry, I wrote:

October 23, 2017

…The verse on the previous page, Matthew 7:7, says, “ask and it will be given to you.” Lord, I ASKED you for protection over my kids, but Sadie wasn’t protected.

Before I could finish my sentence, I immediately heard his voice…

“She doesn’t need to be protected from Heaven. She belongs here.”

WOW! You are SO right, God. Looking back, what I thought my prayer was asking was, Lord, please don’t take my kids away from me.  Yet in reality, it was about my protection from the fallen world. You have told us that, “in this world [we] will have trouble. But take heart! [You] have overcome the world. (1 John 16:33).”

October 23, 2017 changed the way I looked at His protection in regards to The Accident. I no longer question the protection over Sadie. I know if I “ask…it will be given” to me. I did ask for her protection, and He protected her.  Jesus met her in our driveway.  Sadie saw his beautiful face, took His hand, and left her body. He wrapped His arms around her, and took her Home within seconds of being struck; she never cried, she never suffered, and she never felt pain. I am forever grateful for that.

I cannot begin to describe what I’ve seen, heard, and felt as I look up from the darkest pit known as “the loss of a child.” However, what I do know is that I prayed for protection over my children, and the prayer was answered. I know Sadie never needed to be protected from death because “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Cor 5:8).”

Who would want to be protected from Heaven?

Not me.

I dream of the day I see her dimples waiting for me at the gate. I await the day she will take me by the hand and show me around the streets of gold as I hear the sweet songs of praise. I have asked Jesus to bring her with him when he comes to get me… Oh, how I hope he does!

This life is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, as I had thought, or planned, or dreamed it would be. Each morning, I wake up longing to hug and kiss her.  Each night, I question how I am going to live this life, again, tomorrow. I have never heard our mighty God speak to me more clearly after the loss of Sadie. I am grateful for the intimate conversations I’ve had with our loving father. I’m grateful for his loving arms that never leave me. I’m grateful for His goodness, and I’m grateful for his promises. I’m grateful for answered prayers… and I am grateful for His protection over my kids.

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Walk Into The Pain

This post was originally written on June 7, 2014 on our family blog; one month after we lost our daughter Zoe. As true as these words were then, they still ring true today. 

One month later.

Still a family of five.

We’ve learned so much this past month and are still processing even more.

This past week I’ve been really praying and listening, asking God what He wants me to learn from this past month. Again and again, I hear Him reminding me to continue to walk into the pain

One of the first things I remember telling Jeff the evening Zoe passed away, was how much my heart hurt. I had never felt that type of pain before; it was different.

Because of the pain, there were so many things I found myself scared to do that first evening, one of them was to be alone. I needed Jeff to be with me whatever I did; I just couldn’t be alone. Maybe it was the loneliness that comes with loosing someone so close to you; I’m not sure.

That night we both laid in bed, but neither of us could sleep. In the early morning hours, we decided to get up, and that was when Jeff wrote this. As we talked through writing that first post, and shared our very raw story through tears, we began to feel comfort. After we pressed ‘publish’, I was able to get up and go back to bed without Jeff, as he was still wide awake. That was the first moment I began to realize that as allowed myself to walk into the pain, the more comfort and healing I was able to find.


(Our last picture of Zoe; just hours before she woke up in His arms.) 

The next day, was filled with hard things- waking up and realizing I wouldn’t hear her cries, continuing to pump milk (as I had still been nursing), going into Zoe’s room for the first time, looking at the pictures of Zoe that I had taken of her just hours before she passed away, the list could go on and on. However, because of what God had shown me early that morning, I walked into each of those moments with a new perspective- the more I allow myself and or sometimes force myself to walk into the pain, each time I was able to come out better and healthier than before.

Those next few days leading up to Zoe’s Celebration, were filled with very hard moments and decisions. One of my most healing moments was also one of the hardest, and it came the morning of Zoe’s Celebration. Jeff and I had decided that it would best for our family if he and I went alone to spend time with and see her, the morning before her celebration. We were both sick to our stomachs and nervous beyond belief to see her. However, after the initial crying, we were able to sit and hold her one last time. I was not sure I would be able to do that and had been fearing that moment since we first talked about it. However, we both sat silently, each holding her, staring at her until we were ready to kiss her goodbye. Jeff said it best, that during that time, we both realized that one’s soul does change their appearance, and even though she looked like our Zoe, she looked different. Her soul was gone. That was just the assurance we needed to bring a tremendous peace and comfort that only the Lord could give. The hard things didn’t subside, but my pain and fear did, each time I walked into the pain.

Today walking into the pain looks different than it did a month ago-

maybe it’s not turning the radio off when a song that stirs my emotions comes on but allowing myself to cry through it,

maybe it’s sitting and watching videos or looking at pictures of Zoe that bring tears of joy,

maybe it’s allowing myself to picture her with our family today and what she might be doing,

maybe it’s allowing myself to stare at another baby I see and remember Zoe’s tiny little fingers or sweet little nose,

or maybe it’s sitting down and writing out my feelings and what I’m learning.

Because I do have the hope of knowing I will see and hold my precious girl again in heaven one day, I have been able to commit to walking into the pain but then existing on the other side healthier than before.

I will walk into the pain, and I will walk THROUGH the pain, but I will not live in the pain.