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Our Story of Hope- Lee Family (Brogan)

Missi’s Story:

In April of 2016, my husband Brandon and I were absolutely honored to learn that we were pregnant with our fourth child. Having three girls at the time: Maci 7, Mayla 6, and Mavery almost three; we truly wondered if we would actually have a boy. On July 26, we had our 20 week anatomy scan to check that our “baby was healthy”. In fact, I said those exact words to our ultrasound tech when she asked if we were finding out the gender, “we don’t want to know the gender, just tell us it’s a healthy baby.” We had brought the girls with us so they could see the wonders of a baby in Mommy’s belly. After the scan we were to meet with the doctor. Once we were in the room a nurse came in and asked our girls if they wanted to go and get some stickers. My heart dropped as I knew something was wrong. Our doctor came in and she confirmed that there in deed was something wrong. At this point we were not able to know exactly what was wrong with our sweet baby, who we found out was a boy, but we knew that we were going to take every step necessary to find out. After more ultrasounds, a doctor who attempted to take away our hope for our son’s life, and trips out of state, we learned that our son had bladder outlet obstruction which was causing his body to collect all of the amniotic fluid I needed while carrying him. Learning this began our journey of doing what we could to enhance his life for as long as I carried him and after. I underwent two utero procedures: the first one included a procedure that removed all fluid from within our son’s kidneys as well as a procedure that allowed the doctors to replace my amniotic fluid with saline to allow our son to continue strengthening his lungs in the womb. The second procedure performed a week after the first, was an opportunity for the amazing doctors to place a shunt through myself into our son’s kidneys so that his body could release the fluids he needed to continue to gain lung strength. Throughout these few weeks, God was not only allowing medical procedures to happen, but he called our hearts in this time to Hebrews 6:19 “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure”. With this truth in God we began surrounding ourselves with anchors to remember who we are carried by. He grew such an earthly hope in our hearts that allowed us to seek him daily and when we just couldn’t see, He shined his truth with anchors whether on the necklace of the hotel staff or the only open restaurant the night before our procedure that was called “The Anchor Grille”.

Just a few days after our second in utero procedure, I was devastated to discover that my water had broken at 25wk2d. I was immediately admitted to the hospital and began every intervention possible to keep my body from delivering. Over the next three days we found ourselves fighting for our son’s life as we answered questions of doctors for post birth. The answer was always “yes we want to do everything possible to save him.” It was just three days later that God’s due date for our son was here. On September 5, 2016, our son Brogan James was born at 25wk5d weighing 2lb10oz. I will never forget how each part of laboring carried great fear for the unknown and then in his delivery, God surrounded me with the most perfect unexpected peace of his plan for Brogan’s life. 

Over the next two weeks we were able to be Brogan’s family while he was beautifully cared for in the NICU. Our girls were able to meet their brother, read to him, touch him, sing to him, and so much more while we as his parents were able to be by his side every day doing hands on care, holding him skin to skin, and letting him hear our voices. After two weeks of witnessing Brogan defy odds, growing relationships with nurses, and sharing with so many God’s promises as they discovered our anchors all around, our lives were going to change forever. Our constant prayer had been asking God to show us through Brogan our next steps medically and on Monday, September 19, things for Brogan had changed. We were called to make the decision to have his ventilator tube removed and endure the process of saying goodbye to our son. We chose that day to have one more “safe hold” by keeping his tube in until it was absolutely time. Then, when Brogan’s tube was removed we were given some of the greatest gifts, an opportunity to see life shine in him in a way we had not seen. We saw his eye for the first time, heard his voice constantly coo, and felt him nuzzle as much skin as he could get to. As his sweet voice slowed, he took his last breath, and then many moments later his heart stopped beating. This moment was the worst moment for our earthly future and the most peaceful for that present time. There was a presence of peace and healing and we knew that our son was no longer sick or in pain. 

We spent the next 24 hours holding onto our son (I remember being so possessive over his body), sharing the news with our girls, and discovering all of our next steps. Taking the next steps after Brogan died feel like such a blur as we made decisions that we never imagined we would have to: what funeral home did we want to pick him up, what is our preferred cemetery, what clothes will we leave him with and which do we want to keep for us. All of these decisions were made before we even left the hospital, another step we didn’t want to take. We had left that hospital three times before carrying our girls in our arms and this time our arms would be empty. After walking into our home empty handed we found ourselves planning a funeral service that we wanted to be small and intimate, yet wanted to make sure it was enough to honor Brogan’s life. We began the journey of walking grief not only within our own hearts but with the hearts of our girls, each in very different ways.  So many next steps were being taken while I was struggling to figure out how to even take steps in this new role for me in our home. 

God has remained greater than our fears through each step of our journey. It was only nine months after Brogan died that we shockingly discovered that we were going to have another baby. This was a space where God prevailed and rose above my fear as I, for the first time in my motherhood, did not want to be pregnant. Instead of feeling overwhelmingly honored, I was afraid, instead of praying for a healthy baby, I prayed he or she would not die. Then God revealed to us that we were having a set of baby girl twins and his love reigned over any fear that the enemy was trying to use against me. Walking this new pregnancy, delivery, and NICU stay opened up spaces that God had set aside to produce healing in my heart through the life and care of Brogan’s baby sisters. Magnolia Grace and Mosley Faith were born just 15 months after Brogan.  Their personalities bring an amazing sense of calm love that reminds us daily to accept grace for ourselves as we build our lives in faith. I say often “God knew my Mama heart needed something big to walk these days” and it is with their lives that my smile, ability to open my heart to love, and physical purpose have slowly come back to me.

We will never understand why Brogan’s life was called to be so short, but we will praise God that he chose us to be his family.  Each seed of hope that God planted during Brogan’s life is allowing us to walk today as we live out what was once our greatest fear, life without our child and surviving it. Our hope has been given the gift to transform from what was once an earthly hope into a heavenly hope full of God’s eternal gifts. God wrote 14 days for Brogan’s life, a number much smaller than we would have chosen, but his days were big and full of purpose.  Our days on earth continue to be counted so our hearts cling to God, the one who carries us: “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed,” Psalm 139:16. We will call on him to reveal his purpose for us and to show us who he wants us to be and it is our hope to do so with our love for Jesus and Brogan’s life at the front of it.

Have Hope. Extend Grace. Walk by Faith.

Brandon’s Story:

Our story begins in the spring of 2006.  Sitting across from our pastor during pre-marital counseling, he asks, “Do you guys want to have kids?”  “Yes, we both answer”  “How many” he asks.  I said “two sounds good to me”.  She says “I figured at least 6”.

Fast-forward 10 years and 3 daughters later to the spring of 2016.  After our three daughters are down for the night, Missi approaches me with that look on her face.  “We’re pregnant” she says.  I already knew, as I had previously, just by the feels that she puts out when that gift inside of her begins.  We were on our way to #4.  Early pregnancy seemed pretty normal.  We were accustomed to this, so we knew what to expect.  Approaching our 20-week ultrasound, we decided that this time, we’d keep the gender a secret, even we wanted to be surprised.  We decided to take our girls to the appointment; after all they were nearly as excited as we were.  The ultrasound tech seemed pretty emotionless during the appointment.  A little strange, but who knows, maybe she’s just going through the motions, she does do this all day long.  After the ultrasound, we waited for the OB in an exam room.  As the door opened, the nurse spoke not to us, but to the girls, asking them if they’d like to go with her to do some stickers.  It was that moment that I was overcome with fear, the fear that starts in your ears, as they become hot, moving down my throat as it feels like it’s being squeezed from the inside, and then into my chest.  What is happening?  By this time, the OB is in the room, Missi in tears.  “This isn’t good, is it?” Missi asks.  “No, it’s not” the OB responded.  There were abnormalities that showed up in the ultrasound.  Concerns of our baby’s heart, vital organs, and nearly no amniotic fluid were areas of concern.  What does all this mean?  These were answers that our OB could not give us.  Our next step was to visit Maternal Fetal for more scanning and diagnosis.  Days later, we were able to visit Maternal Fetal, and it was determined that our baby, our son, had Bladder Outlet Obstruction, a condition where a blockage in the bladder causes the kidneys to not drain, and thus causes kidney damage.  Additionally, since fluid cannot pass from the kidneys to the bladder, it cannot pass into the amniotic sac.  This will lead to poor lung development.  

The consultation with the Maternal Fetal doctor proved to us, that our fight, our hope, was not going to be with this doctor.  We were then referred to Maternal Fetal in Cincinnati at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital.  There they have specialists that have seen and managed this condition.  Our journey with Cincinnati Children’s began with consultation, followed by thorough testing and ultrasounds, but not before God confirmed that we were in the right place.  As our journey began and just after our initial ultrasound, Hebrews 6:19 served as a foundation for our journey.  “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”  As we checked into our hotel for our first stay in Cincinnati, we were greeted by a hotel cashier wearing an anchor necklace.  This was the first bit of peace we received from God.  The following week, our first step was to undergo a procedure to inject fluid into the amniotic sac to strengthen our son’s lungs.  This procedure and this trip was a success.  The next trip to Cincinnati was designed to place a shunt into our son’s kidney, which would allow fluid to bypass the blockage and drain into the amniotic sac. This would help the kidneys, as well as support lung development since the fluid would now be circulating as designed.  This procedure was met with more anxiety, as it was a bit more involved.  Doctors would enter our son’s kidney, through my wife’s stomach, and install a shunt.  This was a time of significant prayer, and significant faith for us.  During these times, God pulled us together through prayer and total dependence on Him. As the nerves built the night before the procedure, so did Missi’s appetite (remember she was pregnant).  A late night craving, in an unfamiliar place warranted a call to the hotel front desk.  The craving was pancakes.  As we asked for suggestions from the front desk, we could hear them brainstorming amongst themselves what options existed.  As the employee returned to the phone, she said that the only place that was likely open at this time of night is a small 24 hour restaurant called The Anchor Grill.  Yes, The Anchor Grill.  We of course followed this suggestion and dined late night surrounded by anchors: on the menus, on the walls, on the napkins.  God’s love surrounded us.

The next morning, we followed through with the procedure, and the procedure was a success.  When the doctor was complete, he updated me on Missi, and baby, and explained more of the detail of this step.  As he described the shunt, he described the shape, and the function, and compared the shape to a corkscrew.  Out of curiosity, I asked him about why the shunt was designed like it was.  He responded by saying that the corkscrew design allows the shunt to Anchor into the kidney and stay in place.  Another gift from God and peace provided to us that we were following His plan. The trip home was a good one.  We both were at peace with the decisions we had made, and were confident that we were fighting for our son and giving him opportunities to fight through these complications.  

The next week started as normal as our new normal was.  Missi on bed rest, home with the girls, and me back to work.  This was a trying time, but we pulled together and made it work.  Days later, we were met with an unexpected change.  I received a call at work from Missi, stating that she believed her water had broken.  We were just over 25 weeks.  As we settled into the hospital, nurses confirmed that, in fact, Missi’s water had broken.  Not only did they confirm this, but also that the fluid was amniotic fluid.  The shunt was working.  The next days were long, trying days, with the goal to keep Missi pregnant as long as possible.  During this time, God’s strength carried us through.  Then, on September 5, at 25 weeks and  5 days, our son, Brogan entered this world.  Brogan was immediately cared for at delivery, and moved to the NICU.  A few hours later, we met our son.  What a perfect gift from God.  Along with Brogan, we met his primary nurse, and one of his doctors.  This would be our world now.  We were so happy to be looking at our son.  

Brogan was cared for by an amazing team of nurses, doctors, and RT’s.  One of our biggest fears, Brogans lungs, were stronger than expected, and continued to grow.  Brogan was loved on by his proud big sisters as they talked to him, held his hand, and read to him.  Our prayer during this time was that we would fight for Brogan, and we would do “for him”, not “to him”.  We wanted to give Brogan every opportunity to fight.  As we approached Brogan’s two week birthday, we began to see some declining signs.  Brogan began to lose strength due to infection caused by a bowel perforation.  This is a condition that would normally require emergency surgery; however, this was not an option for us.  As a doctor commented on how remarkable Brogan had been doing, we knew that our prayers would be changing.  This was something that we were told by a close friend during our journey.  There may come a time when your prayers change.  Not abandoned, but changed.  That night, September 19th, would be the night that Brogan would meet Jesus.

The next days, weeks, and months were full of significant grief, questions, and sadness.  What do we do?  How do we move forward?  How do I lead my family?  All answers that only come with time.  Each of us grieves differently, but God continues to lead us, as a family, forward.

The thought of more children was not anything we had the courage to discuss, a topic that had formerly been a regular one.  Fear now outweighed the joy in this topic, and it was not one that we could discuss alone, without God.  About 9 months later, we didn’t have to bring up this topic.  We discovered that unexpectedly, we were pregnant.  What was God planning?  As we started down the path of this news, an ultrasound was scheduled.  This ultrasound revealed that we were having not one baby, but two babies.  What was God planning? This pregnancy, led by God, gifted us with two healthy, baby girls.  Magnolia Grace and Mosley Faith were born on December 22, 2017.  Two beautiful gifts from God.  Welcome babies #5 and #6.

While we will always have more questions than answers about our journey, and about the length of Brogan’s life, we know that Brogan’s life was exactly as God planned it.  The impact that Brogan’s life has on us and on others is just as God has designed.  Brogan’s life continues to bless ours, as well as others.  While our prayers have indeed changed, our God has not.  Our God is a God of love, and a God of hope.  May we rest in this.

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Our Story of Hope- The Hurlbut Family (Ella)

Our lives were forever changed when our twin girls, Anna and Ella, were born the morning of July 19, 2015 at 27 weeks.  Anna was born at 3:31 am and weighed 1 lb. 15.9 ounces and Ella was born at 3:32 am and weighed 1 lb. 15.8 ounces.  They were both immediately taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) and we were told to expect them to remain in the hospital for at least 13 weeks (until their due date).

We knew we had a long road ahead of us, but we were hopeful they would both come home with us.  I am a pediatric nurse practitioner, so I made it my full-time job to know every detail of their care.  After they were born, Anna seemed to take off and thrive, but Ella was the one who always seemed to struggle.  The doctors discovered that Ella had a large hole in her heart that needed to be closed.  At four weeks old, she had heart surgery to repair the hole.  She did amazingly well that following week and we thought she was finally going to catch up to her sister.  Our hearts were shattered when she developed a widespread bacterial infection at five weeks old.  She fought hard for two long weeks, but we had to watch her endure more pain than anyone should ever have to experience in a lifetime.  In the end, the infection was too much for her little body to overcome.  She passed away the morning of September 7, 2015.  My husband and I are incredibly grateful that we were both with her when she passed.  She took her last breath as the nurses moved her into her Daddy’s arms.  That was the first and last time my husband would ever get to hold her.

Something broke in me the day that Ella passed away.  I truly did not think that I was going to survive losing her.  All I kept thinking was, “Why is this happening to our family?”  I did not know how I could continue to live my life when one of my children was no longer here with me. How could I be a mom to our 2-year-old son, Luke, and to Anna who was still in the NICU?  I’ve always loved the poem “Footprints in the Sand,” especially the part where it talks about God carrying us through our trials.  Looking back, I realize now that the only way that I survived the first several weeks and months after we lost Ella was because God picked me up and carried me through it.

Ella at 4 weeks old.

In those early days of grief, I remember thinking, “I’m not strong enough for this.”  I want to encourage you today by saying, “you are stronger than you think.”  2 Corinthians 12:10 says, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  So how do you put one foot in front of the other when you feel like your life has been shattered into pieces?  The answer I have come to learn is that you face each new day by leaning into His loving embrace.  Let Him be your strength.

I have always been an anxious mom but the fear that I experienced after we lost Ella was on a different level.  I constantly worried that something bad was going to happen to Luke or to Anna.  How could I possibly trust God to protect them when he didn’t protect Ella? I had so much anger towards God. We had struggled for a long time with infertility before we were finally able to get pregnant.  I did not understand how God would allow us to get pregnant with twins only to take one of them away.  I constantly cried out to God asking him why He didn’t answer my prayers to heal Ella.

Anna’s newborn picture (she was actually four months old because we waited for her to come home from the NICU before having the pictures taken)- she is holding the picture of Ella.  The girls never had their picture taken together so this picture meant the world to me.

In the last three years, God has slowly started to mend the broken pieces of my heart.  I can see now that God did heal Ella, just not in the way I wanted Him to. He gave us a miracle by taking her to her heavenly home.  I am learning that God does not promise that we will not experience disappointments in this life.  What He does promise is that He will never leave us, and He will be there to walk with us through that disappointment.  I used to ask God “Why me?” but now I have started to realize “Why not me?”  There is nothing special about me that gives me the right to assume that God will spare me from loss and heartbreak in this life.  Why do some people get cancer while others don’t?  Why do some people lose a child while others don’t?  I will never truly know on this earth why Ella had to leave us, but I realize now that God chose this path for me for a reason. 

I have discovered that I have two options now that Ella is gone. I can either stay bitter and angry for the rest of my life or I can ask God to use my experience to make me more faithful and to help others.  Because of my faith, I have hope that I will see Ella again. And because of my faith, I’ve found that I can choose hope.

My main prayer in the days after Ella passed was that I wanted her life to have a positive impact on others even though she was only with us for a short time.  I didn’t want her story to end with her death.  I wanted her spirit to live on.  We chose Ella’s name because it means “bright, shining light.”  Right before she passed away, I promised her that I would continue to spread that light to others as long as I am here on this earth without her.

I’ve always loved Barbara Bush.  I never knew that she also suffered the loss of one of her children.  I only learned that after her passing when I was reading a quote by her where she said, “The death of a child is so painful, both emotionally and spiritually, that I truly wondered if my own heart and spirit would ever heal.  I soon learned that I could help myself best by helping others.”  Barbara and I have this in common, we both found healing by helping others.

In the beginning this started out as small projects like donating comfort bears and butterfly blankets to the hospital in Ella’s memory.  Our most recent project was designing and opening the butterfly bereavement room at the Texas Children’s Pavilion for Women NICU in her memory.  This room provides the privacy and comfort that grieving families need when they have to say good-bye to their babies.  We pray this room will leave a lasting legacy in Ella’s memory and will be something that will help grieving families for many years to come.  

This picture was taken around their 1st birthday, and our photographer added Ella’s shadow.  This meant so much to me, because we never got a picture of all 5 of us together.

It brings me peace in knowing that there will be some good that has come out of Ella’s life.  That is my prayer for all of you today.  That you would be able to find the good.  It may not happen next week, next month or even next year.  But I pray that there will come a day when you can look back on the time you had with your sweet child and instead of those memories bringing tears to your yes, they will bring a smile to your face.  That you will be able to laugh again, to find joy again.

We chose butterflies for the bereavement room because we felt they were the perfect symbol of something that goes through a great deal of darkness yet becomes something beautiful.  That is my prayer for every grieving family that I have met along this journey, that they would make it through the darkness and come out changed for the better.  One scripture I have clung to is Revelations 21:5 which says, “Behold, I make all things new.”  

I still remember the moment we had to leave the hospital without Ella.  I felt this wave of panic hit me as we drove away and I told my husband, “I’m never going to be the same after this.”  Looking back over the last three years, I can tell you that I’m not the same person I was before Ella passed away.  God has used her death to change me and make me new.  

 This was taken around their 3rd birthday. Anna is holding our Ella bear (the bear that was given to us on the day that Ella passed away) and she’s touching a purple butterfly. The purple butterfly is the symbol for the loss of a twin so butterflies always make us think of Ella ?

I will never understand why this is my story or why this is your story.  But what I do know is that this is the story we’ve been given, and with it, no matter how bruised and battered it may be, we have something to offer this world.  I truly believe that God has given me this story of renewal and hope for a reason, so that I can share it with others.  In sharing my story, I pray that other grieving families are able to find hope in the midst of their greatest darkness.

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Our Story of Hope- Whitaker Family (Samuel)

It has taken me a long time to write this… almost 2 years actually, from the day that our son Samuel Gene Whitaker was born and then went to be with his Father in heaven less than an hour later.

I imagine everyone has days in life that you can remember vividly.  I can recall with pretty amazing accuracy, especially for someone who doesn’t have a great memory, 7/10, 1/19, 10/19, and 6/26 – the birthdays of our children – George, Olivia, Samuel, and Annie.  I can tell you what time we went to the hospital, the major details of the births, how much the kids weighed, who came to see us, how bad the food was.  I remember almost every last detail of Samuel’s birth.  Jessica was 32 weeks pregnant, and woke me up at 2am to tell me she had been having contractions for hours. She had been praying that they would stop. She was not ready for him to come yet.  Rushing to the hospital to deliver our son, and knowing that unless God saw fit to change things, Samuel was mostly likely going to be stillborn.  Praying so fervently while they hurriedly prepared her for a C-section – for Jessica, for Samuel, for our family, for God’s will to be done in all of this.  I remember looking into Jessica’s eyes as they pulled Samuel out, and we heard his soft little cry; they gave him to us, and we were able to see him open his eyes.  We held him and told him how much we loved him for just a short while before he passed away and went to our Father’s house in heaven.  I know that he is there, but it still hurts every day. 

Well before we planned to get pregnant; either shortly after we got married, or maybe even before were married, Jessica and I talked about having kids.  We talked about names, character traits and behaviors, we joked about what we might want to pass on or not pass on to our children.  Just normal stuff, that I imagine most couples do.  We also discussed and agreed, without any debate or hesitation, that if there was ever anything deemed out of the ordinary with any of our kids while Jessica was pregnant, it would change nothing about how we felt about the pregnancy or the baby.  We always had the mindset that God had given us that baby for a reason, and we were going to care for it as best we could, for as long as He allowed us.  

We had George in Tyler, TX in 2012, and moved briefly, to the Fort Worth area for a job soon after. We moved again, to Spring, TX in the summer of 2013, after I accepted a job at Oak Ridge High School as an Athletic Trainer.  It was a great opportunity for me to work in a great school, with great people.  It was also a homecoming for me as well, as my family still lives in the area.  I was considering a career change, but that was put on hold when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia;  she arrived in early 2015.  We decided not too long after that we needed to buckle down and find a church home, the second church we attended in the area was Oak Ridge Baptist Church.  Immediately we felt welcomed, and at home.  Every lesson and message we heard spoke directly to us.  We found out at this point that we were pregnant again. Not coincidentally, we also felt led to join ORBC.  As a part of the membership process, our pastor meets with everyone that wants to join the church.  I remember before the meeting we were about six weeks pregnant, I really wanted to bring it up during the meeting, but did not.  

At the end of the 2016 school year, pregnant and all, we decided that I would leave my career of 15 years, and open a CrossFit gym that I would run full time.  Up until this point Jessica’s pregnancy had been normal. At her 16 week ultrasound the doctor was not in the office that morning; we did not think anything was out of the ordinary.  Jessica went about her day at work, and I went to the school, to resign my position.  In the middle of my telling the Athletic Director I would not be returning, my phone rang.  I silenced it, and continued.  After the meeting and fresh out of a job, I checked the voicemail to hear Jessica’s doctor telling us that we needed to call him on his cell phone as soon as possible.  We found out that our baby’s bladder and kidneys looked distended (full of fluid), and that he was going to refer us to a  Maternal Fetal Specialist for some better imaging and a course of action.  We were worried, to say the least, we had no idea what to expect, but from the tone of Jessica’s doctor, it was not a good situation.

The following week, we met with the specialist.  She did the ultrasound to confirm what our doctor had seen. The doctor gave us the news that we needed to see a Fetal Specialist in downtown Houston. He was one of the best doctors in the field, and might be able to place a shunt in our baby’s bladder to drain the fluid, and help his kidneys.  She cried with us while she explained what was going on.  She prayed with us before we left her office.

A few days later we went to our appointment at our Fetal Specialist office. The ultrasound seemed to take a week.  First the tech performed the scan. Then the doctor and his medical student performed the scan again. When finished the doctor asked that we meet in the office across the hall.  We knew things were serious. He sat us down told us that there was nothing we could do for our baby boy. His urethra was completely blocked causing fluid not to drain and form amniotic fluid around him, but instead to back up into his kidneys. More than having a kidney problem, the lack of fluid around our baby would make it impossible for his lungs to develop correctly.  He told us there was a high likelihood that our baby would die in utero or be stillborn, but if he wasn’t he would not live long after birth. He gave us the option of terminating the pregnancy, which from the beginning, not an option for us. As hard as it was to hear that news, we already loved our baby boy and chose to carry him until God was ready for him.  We named him Samuel on the drive home. 

How do you tell people that you are pregnant, but that when your baby is born he will die?  Grief is not something people like to discuss, or confront.  We all avoid it.  Those were some hard conversations, we got a lot of prayers, support, and love from so many people. Sadly, Jessica also received a lot of negative feedback as well.  Our family cried with us and supported us, our church prayed over us continually, friends threw Jessica a ‘Prayer Shower’, and the members of our growing gym supported us daily.  We chose to love Samuel in the time that we had with him.  We created a ‘Bucket List’ of activities and outings George and Olivia would have wanted to do with Samuel, we did those things with him while Jessica was pregnant.  We hope that some of those memories last for them.  We will always remind them of those memories.

Our story with Samuel is so remarkable.  It’s a story of how God’s timing and plan is so perfect, that he put us in a place and at a certain time for his purpose. Even if we were totally unaware of it.  In hindsight, I see His hand in everything in our life, but especially when it comes to Samuel. I recognize Him in the those everyday moments, things, and people that were placed in our lives.  I am so thankful.

Samuel’s short life has impacted so many people already, probably more than we know about. It has restored their faith, and given them hope.  We pray that our lives, and going through what we’ve gone through, will help someone else.

We have been so blessed.  We are so thankful, even in the midst of sorrow and grief.  

We are blessed by our son George, blessed by our daughter Olivia, blessed by our son Samuel, and blessed by the newest addition to our home – Annie.  We are blessed that the Lord has put us in this place, at this time, for his purpose with our lives.  Blessed that we have so many family, friends, a church, and others that care so much for us.

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. -Deuteronomy 31:6

 

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Our Story of Hope- Moyd Family

I remember the look on the doctor’s face when she told us the news about our first baby. I think it will forever be engraved in my mind. Five doctors. Five different doctors with the same look on their face.

At eight weeks into our first pregnancy, we were planning our announcement photos. Little did we know our announcement photo would soon greatly differ from the cute ones I had pinned on Pinterest.

The diagnosis was not good for me or our precious little baby. I had a rare condition that they call a molar pregnancy. Even more rare was the fact that I had a twin pregnancy where one was a perfectly normal baby, while the other twin never developed and was a fast-growing tumor. We were told by every doctor there was no chance the baby would make it through this. What complicated things even more was that I have a blood clotting disorder where I clot easily. Molar pregnancies greatly decrease your platelet count, increasing the chances of bleeding too much. Because of this, one doctor, who sees hundreds of patients each week and has only recommended terminating a pregnancy one other time, said this was an impossible situation to manage. And, if I chose to continue, there was a 20% chance of this turning into cancer. There was no way I was going to make it through this. Another hospital that does not perform abortions, said they would make an exception for my situation.

I can still see my husband, Dillon, as he sat solomley stunned, eyes locked into nowhere, his mind racing with every word being spoken. These were big emotions we’ve never had to process before. Even though they were saying everything to me, we were experiencing this together. We shared the same thoughts, the same fears, the same emotions. This wasn’t just my body. This was our baby.

Everything medically made sense to follow through with termination. Even the hospital was making an exception on their policies for me. I thought, “if there’s no chance of us both making it, why would I choose to let us both die when I could be a mom to another baby one day?” The doctor stepped out and told us to take as long as we needed to make our decision. Every doctor we spoke with just wanted the best for me. They treated us like family and mourned with us as they had to deliver this terrible news and recommended what they thought was best. I can’t imagine what they must have been feeling as well. But, I couldn’t run from what came next.

I don’t even know how long we just sat there. Praying this wasn’t really happening. Waiting to wake up from this nightmare. We were just putting off the inevitable. We had to make this impossible decision. Dillon broke the silence. “I’ll be with you with whatever you decide.” My survival instincts screamed reasonings in my head. My heart ached. Then, deep in my soul I felt a whisper: “Would I rather meet God slightly further out in the course of eternity knowing what I had done, or would I rather meet him maybe a little sooner, knowing I could stand tall and chose what pleased Him?” Less than two hours before we found out the devastating news, we had seen the ultrasound of the baby moving around. We had heard the heartbeat of our child. Even when we weren’t sure how it would affect my life, we chose to give our child a chance at life. This is in no way valuing my life any less. Would life be worth living if I didn’t live for anything? If I don’t stick to and stand up for my values?

We told the doctors our decision to continue our pregnancy. I could see the concern on their face, but they displayed the utmost respect for our decision and sent us to a new team of doctors they believed could better handle our situations and the risks with which they came. With this new team, we were informed that the risks of cancer would have been the same percentage even if we would have terminated the day we found out. If I would have given into my fears that day, I would have been crushed to find out we chose to stop that beating heart we heard just hours before, and then later find out the risks are still the same to me.

To anyone who has made the decision to end a pregnancy, I want to tell you this does not define you. Just like my decision to continue my pregnancy does not define me. Only Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, defines me. And He can define you too. There is hope and forgiveness in Jesus. If you are holding on to a decision you’ve made in the past, give it to Him. And don’t try to take it back. Getting caught up in guilt delays the redemption and healing. All He wants is for us to follow Him. All He has for us is love. All we have to do is accept it and follow. Let go of any guilt and let Jesus define you.

After telling our family the news, we tried to think about the best way to tell all of our loved ones so they could join us in prayer. We could not carry this burden alone. We found relief in laying it at the feet of our Heavenly Father. He also gave us a community to help us through this storm. We decided the most effective way to reach everyone would be to post an update on Facebook. I must admit, the initial response was so uplifting and encouraging that I found myself starting to shift my reliance to the words on the screen than the God in my heart. We had gone to a movie to escape from the turmoil within for a couple of hours, when I was quickly reminded of why I can only place my contentment in Christ alone. We walked out of the theater to an insurmountable mountain of Facebook notifications. In the matter of two and a half hours, our post had gone viral. People we’ve never even met were commenting words that still loom over me some days. My mind soon was flooded with evil words. I was drowning in discouragement. The words wouldn’t leave my head. They just kept repeating over and over and over. Self-righteous words proclaiming judgement over my husband for not valuing my life. Claims of me just wanting to be a martyr. Accusations of us missing our “boat” of rescue through the five doctors. Yes, the accusations ripped at me, but that wasn’t what the deep ache in my heart was about. They didn’t see it. They didn’t see the reason behind it. The God that had so much glory to show us through it all. Our prayer from the start was that people wouldn’t see our faith as the main thing in this story, but rather what God does through this. Still, the hurt was real. When we got home, I told Dillon I just needed to worship. I couldn’t replace the evil words on my own. So, we sang the songs God has given to others who have gone through hurt. We sang the hope He’s given to people just like us time and time again.

As Dillon strummed and we sang through the tears, it wasn’t too long before the words of praise replaced the gut-wrenching words inside. You know why? Because praise always triumphs over pain. The God we sang to is far mightier than the demons we fought.

The months that followed were tough. I couldn’t stomach any foods or liquids. Dillon would sit with me to make sure I took a sip of Pedialyte every few hours to fight off the dehydration. I couldn’t stand for more than seconds and some days I couldn’t lift my head. We continued to go to weekly doctors appointments. Every visit, we were getting good reports for our baby and worsening reports for me. Still, our baby continued to defy everyone’s expectations. Things were actually looking so well for our baby that they scheduled the next appointment 3 weeks out for our 16 weeks ultrasound. We were looking forward to finding out if we were having a girl or a boy when, two days before our appointment, I knew something was wrong. We went to the ER in the dark of night and learned there was no longer a heartbeat to be found. The tumor had grown too fast for our sweet little fighter. The tests they ran on me revealed my liver, kidneys, and heart were shutting down, my platelets were extremely low, and my blood pressure was frighteningly high. They told my family if we had waited even one or two days, I would have been in critical condition. We had to schedule surgery to get the tumor the size of a football out right away and try to regulate my body. Although this seemed like a defeat, we felt almost an instantaneous peace and even joy in the ER room. We were reminded of a prayer we prayed earlier on in this journey. In seeking His will, we prayed for the miracle of our baby being born, or for the mercy of taking our baby home naturally. We begged God to take us out of making that impossible decision. Instead, He gave us hope in the impossible.

After a week in the hospital, we were back home and regaining strength and it seemed like the storm had passed. Unbeknownst to us that we were just in the eye of the storm. The next storm wall was fast approaching. I soon was informed I was in the 20%. The cancer had moved to my lungs.

Five months of chemo later, I was testing negative and I’m now being monitored for a while.

On a particularly emotionally hard day, I remember opening a book I had lain down a few months prior and never quite got back to. There, awaiting me in it’s pages was a lesson written just for me in that moment. It expounded upon the shortest verse in the Bible: Jesus wept. The shortest verse, yet holding so much power. Power to show me a glimpse into the expanse of His love and compassion for me. The scene around this verse is of Mary crying out to Jesus, falling at His feet asking “Why?” Why hadn’t He come to heal her brother Lazarus. She knew He could have. She knew He hadn’t. I was haunted with the eerie resemblance to some one-sided conversations I had had with God at times over the past few months. Yet, Jesus’s response wasn’t rebuke or condemnation. It was compassion. She wept. He wept. He longed for her to see His greater purpose. He was longing for me to stop questioning, and start trusting in His greater purpose. To trust in the greater glory He could get through this plan.

We’ve seen God so much through all of this. Through the love displayed from friends and family, to spiritual growth of self and others, and financial miracles. There’s so many stories

I could tell of when God graced us with unexpected deposits in my account to pay for a little getaway, to rebate checks to pay for groceries we had forgotten to budget for, to two months of meals supplied by our church family after surgery, to countless more. But I want to part with this. I told Dillon a couple weeks after we lost our baby that it broke my heart thinking our baby was up there waiting on a name. It just seemed fitting to name our little one Hope. If we learned anything, it was the importance hope plays into our life. Hope is what keeps us going. If we are hoping in the wrong thing, we are headed toward a path of discontentment and distruction. But, having hope in the one thing that is always constant, always loving, and always IS, leads us to a path of true satisfaction. Hope can seem impossible sometimes, but we are always hoping in something if we really think about it. Placing hope in an omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient God can seem impossible. But, hope in the impossible is what we need. It’s what our soul longs for. And it’s what each one of us can have. All we have to do is place our hope in Jesus Christ. Trusting that He took on all of our sins and took our place on the cross. Trusting that He rose again and defeated the death that separates us from God. Trusting and hoping in Him for the rest of our lives here, and trusting and hoping for the life we know we can now have with Him for eternity.

We had to lean into this hope during our impossible decision. We cling to this hope every day. Hope in the impossible is what keeps us going. You can choose hope in any impossible place you find yourself in. You can choose to hope in the impossible today.

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

“24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans 8:24-25)

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:5)

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

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Our Story of Hope- Graham Family (Emma)

On September  23, 2017 our lives changes forever. This is the day I had to say goodbye to Emma here on earth. 

Our story began on January 21, 2017 when we got the positive two pink lines. My heat was filled with joy thanking God for our little blessing. After our first trimester I was getting so excited to think in six months I would get to meet our daughter in person. Every night before bed I would tell her how much I love her. A few more months passed then I was in the third trimester. I for sure thought “this is it, we’re going to be able to have our little girl”. Emma’s room was all set up and ready to go. I would sit in her room and think “gosh, she definitely going to be a girly girl with all of this pink.” Life was wonderful just thinking about adding a baby to our life. So many nights I thought “Wow! God made this beautiful creation through us.”  I would stay up at night wondering what she would look like? I knew if she was anything like her daddy she would have a heart of gold. With a few weeks left I was getting even more excited to meet her. Little did I know, Sept 21, 2017 would be the last time I would hear her heat beating. I was scheduled to be induced on Sept 25th. The next day I spent at home waiting for my husband to get home to go have dinner. I felt a few mild cramps but I didn’t think anything of it with me being so close to my delivery date. Later that night after dinner I was almost ready for bed thinking how I really haven’t felt Emma move much that day. My husband decided to grab the fetal doppler to listen to her heart. We tried for about five minutes. At this point I was still thinking “I am sure she is okay I heard her heart beat yesterday and everything sounded normal.” We decided to go to the hospital just to make sure everything was okay. I remember pulling up to the hospital parking lot. My husband and I wanted to pray over Emma before we walked in. I remember going into a room so a nurse could check me.  The nurse kept asking all kinds of questions. Finally, a Doctor came in and did an ultra sound and I had no idea what she was about to say next would change our lives. I will never forget the moment the doctor told me Emma had no hear beat.  At this moment my heat felt like it stopped beating. I wanted to scream “No this is a lie.” I just heard a healthy heart beat yesterday. The doctor stepped out of the room to give my husband and I some privacy time to grieve. All we could do at that moment was pray for our daughter. My heart was racing and my blood pressure spiked way high. Doctors were concerned for the safety of my life. All I could do at that moment was cry. 

The Doctors decided to start the labor process. I remember my family walking in the room I felt like I had failed everyone.  I was suppose to be bringing a baby home for my family to spoil and love her. My sister Ashley I felt like was so close to her even though she never met her. All my family was there to help us grieve.  All the next day on Saturday I was in and out of pain. A lot of it was a blur until about 9 pm the nurse said it was time to push.  At that point in time I thought God please let the doctors be wrong about Emma. Give us a miracle. At 9:35pm she was born I wished so bad to hear her cry. They gave her to me to hold she was as beautiful as I dreamed. The nurse took Emma to get cleaned up and she brought her back to us in a beautiful white dress with a pink and white bracelet with her name on it. My family got to spend time with her holding and remembering all the beautiful things about her. After an hour into it she started to feel cold. I wrapped her up with the blanket. The Nurse gave us the options for her to stay in the room with us. The next day it was Sunday. I knew it was a matter of time before the nurse would take her back. I remember holding her telling her how much I love her. We said our goodbyes.

The next day, Monday, it was time to go home. I dreaded going to an empty nursury.  I would go in her room every night and talk with God, and ask Him so many question on WHY did this happen to me? I felt so angry at Him for allowing this to happen.  I felt so alone even with my husband and my family were there for me. I felt so lost. How was I going to tell people what had happened to our daughter? It’s almost been a year, there is not one day that goes by I don’t think of her. What would she look like now? Would she be taking her first steps? Would she be making her first sounds and saying mama or dada?  

So many people don’t know what to say when you lose a child. My husband and I were eating for our anniversary. The waiter was talking with us and he asked us how many years we’d been married, which Is common to ask someone when it’s their anniversary. But I knew the next question he was going to ask us was “How many kids do you have?” I’m so proud to tell everyone I have a daughter in Heaven. Well his reaction was so different from most. He asked me what her name was? This brought so much joy in my heart.  All moms want to do is honor their baby when they can. I plan to honor her for the rest of my life until I see her beautiful face again. 

In the beginning I was sure I would never recover from this struggle, but, God has really taught me, that He is still good through it all. Moments and days still come when my breath leaves me because my arms want to be wrapped around my daughter, but I find comfort in knowing that because He lives, so does Emma, and we will meet in eternity one glorious day! I will never be the same, nor do I want to be. A perfect piece of me is in Heaven. 

Forever in our hearts- Emma Leigh Graham 9-23-2017