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How Do You Keep Going?

‘How do you keep going day after day after loosing a child? What do you cling to on those hard days?’

As I read those words in a text recently from a friend who also just lost a child, I began to think and reflect on what had kept us going.. At first, I conjured up what I felt seemed like typical ‘Christian’ responses faith, hope, etc., while true, they didn’t seem adequate to explain my journey. I told her I’d get back to her in a few days as I thought it though.

The next day as I was reading about Moses, it hit me, MANNA! That is what has kept me going each day. Just as the children of Israel were dependent on God to provide manna to keep them going each day, I have also had to learn to completely lean on God to give me the manna I needed every day to sustain me. (Exodus 16)

manna

I can remember sitting on the couch in our living room the mornings just after Zoe passed away, with time to fill since I was no longer nursing and cuddling her in the early mornings. While the boys were still asleep, I would read. I felt like I was sitting there almost begging and pleading for God to fill my broken heart. I would search the pages of each book or the Bible for what God wanted to ‘feed me with’ that day. It became such a refreshing time for me that I found myself absolutely needing that time each morning. Still today, I look forward so much to that time in the mornings, alone, where I can read, enjoy my coffee, and search the Word for pieces of truth and hope to cling to each day.

coffee

In my desperate need for daily manna, I’ve also come to realize that yesterday’s manna is NOT ENOUGH for today. While in the past I may have felt I could make through on my own for at least a day or two, or sometimes even a week, today I KNOW differently. Just like the Israelites couldn’t store up manna and needed a fresh supply each day, so do I! I need the nourishment and a fresh Word, that will soothe my heart, and strengthen me each day.

While it took loosing Zoe for me to realize what desperate need for God looks like, I am grateful for this gift of desperation. I have truly come to know that nothing else will satisfy and soothe our broken hearts except the true living Word of God.

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But I Prayed for Protection

Since the day I became a mother, I prayed a simple prayer, “Lord, please protect my children; please protect their lives, hearts, and minds.”

I can’t tell you how many times since The Accident I have questioned our Lord as to WHY he did not answer this prayer. For the last four months, I have consistently asked:

  • Why did you not protect her from The Accident?
  • Why didn’t you save her?
  • Why, Lord?
  • Why?!

Each time I sit to write, I have continued to try to make sense of my life and the questions that scream for answers. Yet, I have always been left with the deafening silence of loss.

Until last week…

For the first time since The  Accident, God whispered the answer to the questions that were running through my mind. It was, to me, the answer I’ve been waiting for. I still get tears in my eyes, chills up and down my body, and comfort in my heart when I think of the sweet whisper from our Father. Looking back to my journal entry, I wrote:

October 23, 2017

…The verse on the previous page, Matthew 7:7, says, “ask and it will be given to you.” Lord, I ASKED you for protection over my kids, but Sadie wasn’t protected.

Before I could finish my sentence, I immediately heard his voice…

“She doesn’t need to be protected from Heaven. She belongs here.”

WOW! You are SO right, God. Looking back, what I thought my prayer was asking was, Lord, please don’t take my kids away from me.  Yet in reality, it was about my protection from the fallen world. You have told us that, “in this world [we] will have trouble. But take heart! [You] have overcome the world. (1 John 16:33).”

October 23, 2017 changed the way I looked at His protection in regards to The Accident. I no longer question the protection over Sadie. I know if I “ask…it will be given” to me. I did ask for her protection, and He protected her.  Jesus met her in our driveway.  Sadie saw his beautiful face, took His hand, and left her body. He wrapped His arms around her, and took her Home within seconds of being struck; she never cried, she never suffered, and she never felt pain. I am forever grateful for that.

I cannot begin to describe what I’ve seen, heard, and felt as I look up from the darkest pit known as “the loss of a child.” However, what I do know is that I prayed for protection over my children, and the prayer was answered. I know Sadie never needed to be protected from death because “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Cor 5:8).”

Who would want to be protected from Heaven?

Not me.

I dream of the day I see her dimples waiting for me at the gate. I await the day she will take me by the hand and show me around the streets of gold as I hear the sweet songs of praise. I have asked Jesus to bring her with him when he comes to get me… Oh, how I hope he does!

This life is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, as I had thought, or planned, or dreamed it would be. Each morning, I wake up longing to hug and kiss her.  Each night, I question how I am going to live this life, again, tomorrow. I have never heard our mighty God speak to me more clearly after the loss of Sadie. I am grateful for the intimate conversations I’ve had with our loving father. I’m grateful for his loving arms that never leave me. I’m grateful for His goodness, and I’m grateful for his promises. I’m grateful for answered prayers… and I am grateful for His protection over my kids.