On September  23, 2017 our lives changes forever. This is the day I had to say goodbye to Emma here on earth. 

Our story began on January 21, 2017 when we got the positive two pink lines. My heat was filled with joy thanking God for our little blessing. After our first trimester I was getting so excited to think in six months I would get to meet our daughter in person. Every night before bed I would tell her how much I love her. A few more months passed then I was in the third trimester. I for sure thought “this is it, we’re going to be able to have our little girl”. Emma’s room was all set up and ready to go. I would sit in her room and think “gosh, she definitely going to be a girly girl with all of this pink.” Life was wonderful just thinking about adding a baby to our life. So many nights I thought “Wow! God made this beautiful creation through us.”  I would stay up at night wondering what she would look like? I knew if she was anything like her daddy she would have a heart of gold. With a few weeks left I was getting even more excited to meet her. Little did I know, Sept 21, 2017 would be the last time I would hear her heat beating. I was scheduled to be induced on Sept 25th. The next day I spent at home waiting for my husband to get home to go have dinner. I felt a few mild cramps but I didn’t think anything of it with me being so close to my delivery date. Later that night after dinner I was almost ready for bed thinking how I really haven’t felt Emma move much that day. My husband decided to grab the fetal doppler to listen to her heart. We tried for about five minutes. At this point I was still thinking “I am sure she is okay I heard her heart beat yesterday and everything sounded normal.” We decided to go to the hospital just to make sure everything was okay. I remember pulling up to the hospital parking lot. My husband and I wanted to pray over Emma before we walked in. I remember going into a room so a nurse could check me.  The nurse kept asking all kinds of questions. Finally, a Doctor came in and did an ultra sound and I had no idea what she was about to say next would change our lives. I will never forget the moment the doctor told me Emma had no hear beat.  At this moment my heat felt like it stopped beating. I wanted to scream “No this is a lie.” I just heard a healthy heart beat yesterday. The doctor stepped out of the room to give my husband and I some privacy time to grieve. All we could do at that moment was pray for our daughter. My heart was racing and my blood pressure spiked way high. Doctors were concerned for the safety of my life. All I could do at that moment was cry. 

The Doctors decided to start the labor process. I remember my family walking in the room I felt like I had failed everyone.  I was suppose to be bringing a baby home for my family to spoil and love her. My sister Ashley I felt like was so close to her even though she never met her. All my family was there to help us grieve.  All the next day on Saturday I was in and out of pain. A lot of it was a blur until about 9 pm the nurse said it was time to push.  At that point in time I thought God please let the doctors be wrong about Emma. Give us a miracle. At 9:35pm she was born I wished so bad to hear her cry. They gave her to me to hold she was as beautiful as I dreamed. The nurse took Emma to get cleaned up and she brought her back to us in a beautiful white dress with a pink and white bracelet with her name on it. My family got to spend time with her holding and remembering all the beautiful things about her. After an hour into it she started to feel cold. I wrapped her up with the blanket. The Nurse gave us the options for her to stay in the room with us. The next day it was Sunday. I knew it was a matter of time before the nurse would take her back. I remember holding her telling her how much I love her. We said our goodbyes.

The next day, Monday, it was time to go home. I dreaded going to an empty nursury.  I would go in her room every night and talk with God, and ask Him so many question on WHY did this happen to me? I felt so angry at Him for allowing this to happen.  I felt so alone even with my husband and my family were there for me. I felt so lost. How was I going to tell people what had happened to our daughter? It’s almost been a year, there is not one day that goes by I don’t think of her. What would she look like now? Would she be taking her first steps? Would she be making her first sounds and saying mama or dada?  

So many people don’t know what to say when you lose a child. My husband and I were eating for our anniversary. The waiter was talking with us and he asked us how many years we’d been married, which Is common to ask someone when it’s their anniversary. But I knew the next question he was going to ask us was “How many kids do you have?” I’m so proud to tell everyone I have a daughter in Heaven. Well his reaction was so different from most. He asked me what her name was? This brought so much joy in my heart.  All moms want to do is honor their baby when they can. I plan to honor her for the rest of my life until I see her beautiful face again. 

In the beginning I was sure I would never recover from this struggle, but, God has really taught me, that He is still good through it all. Moments and days still come when my breath leaves me because my arms want to be wrapped around my daughter, but I find comfort in knowing that because He lives, so does Emma, and we will meet in eternity one glorious day! I will never be the same, nor do I want to be. A perfect piece of me is in Heaven. 

Forever in our hearts- Emma Leigh Graham 9-23-2017