Words of Hope

On November 13^th, 2010 our lives changed forever. After attending a gift gathering party for less fortunate children we were rear-ended at a traffic light. The driver’s seat collapsed onto our sweet 17 month old, Taylor Grace, causing severe head trauma. She was put in a helicopter and sent to the hospital where we spent hours asking “Why is this happening?” and “Why would we be punished for donating toys to a good cause?” We just sat by her bed praying for a miracle and that she would somehow wake up. Eventually we realized she had already left and we had to let go. On November 14^th she went to be with Jesus. 

There were several questions that continued to run through our minds. I remember Taylor had been a bit of a surprise addition to our family. The two of us were going through some marital struggles and I wasn’t completely excited about adding another child into a less than ideal situation. However, it seemed she was sent to us to help fix our relationship. She was always the sweetest baby with a quiet disposition. She rarely cried, slept through the night almost immediately and was perfectly content playing with her toys while I got things done. Sometimes she’d be sitting in her infant seat patiently waiting for me to chase our oldest around. She never fussed at all. When I’d finally get back to her she’d grin as if to say “you remembered me Mommy” I don’t think anyone ever saw her without a smile on her face. I had nicknamed her our “angel baby” little did we know that’s exactly what she was.  After we lost her I remember asking repeatedly, “why did you send us an unexpected baby just to take her back?” It wasn’t until months later that I realized her presence had a profound impact on our relationship and her loss forced us to depend on one another to keep going. We definitely had our struggles but in the end she brought us closer together. 

The week and months after were a challenge. Our 4 year old son, Jack, struggled the most with the loss of his best friend and reliving the trauma of the accident itself. For several months he wouldn’t speak about her at all, only watched videos on my phone. He spent hours with our family priest and play therapists working through his PTSD. I remember one day he had a breakthrough and finally said out loud with tears running down his face, “they put her in the helicopter and I never got to tell her goodbye” We remember feeling terrible because we debated whether to take him into the PICU to see her. We decided we didn’t want his memories to include her bruised and unconscious, only playing and happy. A few days later he came downstairs and told me “Taylor came to me in my sleep and told me goodbye.” It seemed to heal his broken heart a little but to this day, he’s almost 12, he still struggles with the loss. We’re so thankful he survived that terrible accident but a piece of him died with his sister. We’ve had a constant battle with people who don’t understand how PTSD works in a child. We spent years trying to find him the perfect fit for school and social environments and he’s finally moving forward in a positive manner.

Almost exactly one year after the accident we were blessed with another baby boy, Rylan Taylor. We truly believe he was sent to us around the anniversary to give us time to process the grief of a year passing but also distract us from the pain. We had a Mass said in Taylor’s honor and the following week we had a beautiful addition sent to us from Heaven. He’s wise beyond his years, definitely an old soul, and people have said he must’ve gotten his own brain plus the smarts that Taylor passed onto him that she wouldn’t need anymore. He always knows when one of us needs a cuddle or a funny comment to cheer us up. He was definitely sent at the perfect time for our wounded family.

As Rylan was nearing his second birthday we found out we were expecting yet another baby boy. I’ll be honest when I say that I was a bit heartbroken at finishing out our family with 3 boys and an angel baby girl in Heaven. I wanted another little one to dress in pink and spoil rotten to fill the void that we had from Taylor. I really wanted that close mother-daughter relationship that my mom and I share. However, things would soon change for our family again. At my 20 wk ultrasound we discovered there was no longer a heartbeat in our precious Patrick James. Another tragic event led to more struggles for our family. I remember posting on Facebook that our sweet baby boy had gone to play with his big sister. There was some comfort in knowing he already had someone to take care of him but we were still angry that God would allow us more heartbreak. This time our priest was no longer available to help work through the grief. We had to depend on one another and our faith in God to see us through. We knew there was a reason we lost yet another precious gift but didn’t know what it was at the time. 

Just a few months later we received our answer. We were expecting again, this time a baby girl. It seems that God also had a plan for our family. He didn’t think we were emotionally ready to add pink back into the family. We were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Finley Joy, in March of 2015. Finley is the exact opposite of Taylor in every way. She’s much more demanding and her physical features are completely different. It’s been amazing watching her grow these past 3 and a half years but there are definitely moments when we look at her and think of the things Taylor missed out on. We often wonder if Taylor would’ve been as obsessed with princesses, pink and all things girly.

We knew we wanted to do something to honor our sweet babies in Heaven but struggled with emotions of opening old wounds. After several years we decided to look into the dangers of Seat Back Failure on back seat passengers, the official cause of death for Taylor. We discovered it’s unfortunately very common and made it our mission to fight for change in government standards to prevent this from happening to another child. We’re still fighting today but have Hope that things will change in the near future. We’ve run several news stories and have many government officials fighting with us to require auto makers to fix their seats and lessen the chance for them to collapse on rear impact. 

We felt that fighting for change with Seat Back Failure was definitely an important mission but we were still looking for another way to honor our babies. That’s when we found Hope Family Care Ministries. Their mission to help other families who are drowning in grief at the loss of their child spoke to us. Our son has really struggled with the loss of both siblings and through Hope he’s starting to see things differently. He no longer feels “singled out” as the only person who has lost a sibling. Now that we were in a place we could discuss our pain with others we wanted to join forces with them and help others who are experiencing similar loss.

The Hope Kids Bags really touched our hearts because everything our son received after the accident is still nearby at all times. He cherishes the gifts he has in remembrance of Taylor and wanted to contribute to others in a similar way. There are nights when I’ll see him cuddling a stuffed animal or reading a book he received almost 8 years ago to connect him with his sister. Our younger children will never know their big sister but they also feel her presence every day. We created an art room in the basement for our middle child. It’s in the same space that we keep Taylor’s possessions and he finds comfort in going downstairs to color or paint and know his sister is with him. Our daughter still isn’t quite old enough to really understand but she knows she has a sister in Heaven and she gets to wear some of her clothes and play with some of her toys. It’s our way of connecting the two girls with one another. We never want our children to lose Hope in the face of grief and struggle so we do our best to keep them connected with the memory of their sister to the best of our abilities. We hope that by sharing our story we can help others find Hope in their own painful stories.